To not want child I don't know bunking in with us?

[Applecrumbleandcustatd]

We are going away soon to attend a wedding. Me, dh and our ds age 8. We are staying for a week as the wedding is quite far but in a great location so we decided to turn it into a holiday.

My sister and bil, and my sister's friend (I'll call her Judy) and Judy's dh and child, are also attending the wedding and will be staying in the same accommodation. It's a large B&B house with individual rooms/apartments.

I don't know Judy other than to say hello (this is relevant).

Dh and I booked our accommodation first, it's a one bed apartment with kitchen and sofa bed in the lounge for our son. We told my sister about it and she and her dh booked another of the apartments and decided to also make a few days of it too, fine.

Sister told Judy about the B&B and Judy then booked up the last room. Judy's room is only a double room rather than an apartment. My sister has told Judy that her dd can bunk in with us for the week and share the sofa bed with our ds. Also that Just can share our kitchen.

The dd is 12 or 13 afaik. We don't know Judy or the dd. I've spoken to Judy in passing but I've never even met the child.

I've said no but my sister is saying I'm being selfish as Judy hasn't got room and the dd will have to sleep on an airbed.

No,that is not a workable idea.
Your sister could swap apartments with Judy, if sister has no children.
I would offer no accommodation and restate that you are having a private holiday and will sometimes be available for group activities.

You could be very generous and offer Judy access to Continental Breakfast making facilities from 8:00 - 8:30 am every second morning (only if Judy has no communal kitchen to use) and invite them to join you for tea one night when you are going out to eat. That would be my limit.

I would advise Judy to phone and put her name down to upgrade to a larger apartment should anyone else cancel.

I wonder what Judy and her daughter think of the situation or even know of it. Im sure her daughter would be horrified at the idea of it all too. Perhaps Judy doesnt even realise what the situation is.

My sister does shit like this - you have my sympathy - she offers other peoples hospitality out, doesn’t listen to other people’s needs - she likes to be generous but it’s often not her stuff to be generous with. She’s put you in an awkward position.

Madness

No way I would be putting a child I don't know of opposite sex in bed with my child

End of !!

Sister can accommodate judy and child

you answer I have indeed thought it over. I’ve realised I can never again tell you anything about accomodation I’ve booked so that you can’t promise total strangers their pubescent child can share a bed with my child. What, you mean have I thought about letting the child share?? No, I don’t need to think about that. Like all sensible parents, I do not have my children share beds with strangers. Go tell your friend you had a terrible idea, you now realise it’s totally inappropriate and you’re sorry you pushed them into booking accomm that doesn’t work for them. I’m sure you can fix it for them. Don’t make any plans involving me.

This. My DD is same age, we’d just share the bed. No way in hell would she sleep with a boy she didn’t know.

Your sister sounds like a complete narcissist. This is what narcissists do when you set a boundary, they make you feel like you’re the crazy one for having a boundary. As you see by the replies, everyone agrees with you. You need to stay firm and tell her no and you’re probably going to see her going into a huge rage and try to make you feel guilty. You don’t need to feel guilty because she is the one who is crazy. you don’t even need to justify yourself. At this point, she’s just gonna throw everything she can you and insult to you and so on. Just say the answer is no. you have volunteered my son’s sofa bed for another person without my permission. I don’t care what you told Judy, I don’t care if you think it’s going to be fun, I don’t want to do it and it’s not going to happen. seriously, stop being so nice. that is why she has gotten away with this behaviour in the past.

Sarcasm really doesn’t come across when typing does it.

I highly doubt that Judy is okay with this. It’s not just sharing a bed with your DS. It’s the fact her child will be in an apartment with two adult strangers.

Are you sure your sister isn’t being just as pushy with Judy? It might be, she’s trying to arrange things so she can spend time with her without her DD.

No way, I doubt that their DC would be happy either, I can't imagine telling my DC they are sharing a room and bed with a family/kid they don't know.

Your sister is being completely unreasonable, her friend could book a nearby hotel or b&b, instead they chose accommodation that isn't suitable for them - who does that.

This is a holiday for you, you've booked the accommodation you wanted in ample time, yanbu for refusing to accommodate someone else who has not been so organised

Wow, you wait ages for a HUGE SAFEGUARDING RED FLAG then two come along at once.

Absolutely not!! Are you insane????

Except it doesn’t work as sarcasm

I would send this to both-

Hi Judy/sis,

How you are all well. For the avoidance of doubt or confusion we have booked xxx for our family and as much as we understand your predicament with lack of space for your Dd we are not in a position to offer up any of our accommodation for sharing. I am certain I must have the wrong end of the stick when my sister suggested it? I don’t feel it’s fair on a 12 year old girl to bunk in with DS who is a perfect stranger and even if she was it is not something we are comfortable with. It is worth ironing this out now so you can make other suitable arrangements. See you all at the wedding for a big glass of fizz.

Your sister is nuts.

This is appalling OP. Why on earth would Judy be happy for her DD to spend a week in an apartment with a family she doesn’t know. You definitely need to stand your ground here and tell your sister she is completely out of order. Your DH is one to protect here too, as well as your DS. How is it appropriate for your DH to share an apartment with a young girl. My DH would be horrified.
people making promises for other people is not ok. I’d be so angry.

Many years ago me, my DP and my sister and her dp were going on holiday. We were sharing a 1 bed appt with a sofa bed in the living area. We were in our early 20s. My sister then promised a much older friend of her DP’s could bunk down in the apartment for the 2 weeks. I said absolutely not! We’d paid our money for this and we didn’t know the guy. My sister was furious and hardly spoke to me the entire holiday. The friend came but stayed elsewhere. It turned out my sister and he were having an affair and that’s why she wanted him there and was so cross at me for scuppering his plans. I’m not saying anything is going on here OP but people are so bloody selfish, this will probably be about your sister trying to make things simpler for Judy and her DH to give them a nice break or private time and to hell with you & yours. Your sister obviously wants to look capable in Judy’s eyes.
very weird.

Your sis sounds very domineering and manipulative op, add to that it's classic narc behaviour to gaslight you into thinking you're actually the unreasonable one and you start to question if you're the crazy one!
It won't change or get any better I'm afraid, my dm is like this and took me til my 30's and with the help of therapy to start setting boundaries and saying a hard no. Even if I pointed out the obvious safeguarding issues in a situation like this, my dm would try and minimise these and still think I'm the one being unreasonable. She likes to harp on about how the world's gone mad and these days you can't do or say anything, she'd laugh off any mention of safeguarding and say it was ridiculous. I learned there's no point trying to explain, or reason with her on anything as she'll ignore or minimise what I say. If I don't do what she wants she has a
tantrum or goes silent for weeks. That's actually quite a relief when she does that!

Stick to a hard no, don't explain or justify, why should you? Hard boundaries in place from now on op! People like this are so draining and exhausting

P.s This would be a safeguarding issue for all of you and your family, not to mention the 12 year old pubescent girl. Her parents surely wouldn't entertain her sharing accommodation with you and your husband, let alone a sofa bed with your
son?! Big safeguarding red flags here

Just when you think you've seen all the cheeky fuckery!

OP, don't get involved in trying to find or suggest solutions. Just say no. Choose one phrase that works for all protests e.g. "I've already said no," and just keep repeating it word for word. The repetition makes it clear to the other person that they're pushing boundaries.

And jeez, no way would I be expecting any of my kids to share a bed with anyone they didn't want to, regardless of their age, sex, whether they knew them already etc... I wouldn't share a bed with someone other than my husband or kids, so what right have I got to decide that my kids need to? Any do people do this sort of thing with little kids??

OP, it might make a point if your DH replies to your sister.

”SIL, no way am I accommodating a 13 yo girl in the room I have to walk through to get to the bathroom in the night. It’s not right and it’s not happening. And any other bright ideas you have for subletting or flat sharing our family holiday accommodation, the answer is no”

Unfortunately, through bitter experience with my own sister, offering a few words of explanation - having to walk through the room to get to the bathroom - will just give her another angle to twist OP around on.

You can't explain anything to narcs. They gaslight you to the point that you end up being the one arguing a stupid angle, to the point of exhaustion, and wondering how you got there.

It's infuriating but it has to just be "No. Not happening" or similar.

Honestly, I truly hate people like this!

So am I right in thinking your pushy sister and her DH have an apartment too, and it's just the two of them? If so then surely, if she is so concerned, she would offer to swap with Judy's family?

As for the kids loving it - what planet is she on? An 8 year old and a 12 year old who have never met, let alone one being a boy and one a girl, are unlikely to have much in common.

My mum used to be a bit like that (though never as bad as this case). She would assume that any young person within about a five year age difference would automatically make friends. I remember her once pondering on asking her widowed sister and niece on holiday with us and commenting on how the niece and I would be company for each other. I think this girl was about 15 and I was a about 11 and had literally never met the girl (they lived quite a long way away so hardly ever saw this aunt). Thankfully it came to nothing. I think my dad was probably quietly horrified at the prospect too as this aunt, as I recall, must have mastered the art of circular breathing as she appeared to be able to talk non-stop without ever pausing for breath.

@5foot5 does that mean you'd never met your cousin?
Even now I'd think a 15 & 11 year old girls could find some common ground, music, dance swimming.
And totally different to a 8 & 13 year old opposite sexed kids Sharing a bed

After reading all your updates, I do not know who the hell your sister thinks she is.

You need to go in hard and shut this shit down.

Sister,

Have you come to a solution about Judy and the wedding accommodation?

I have said all along it is unacceptable to have DD share a bed with Judy’s son-It’s not happening. Whether you think they will get on well or not is irrelevant, it is inappropriate.

Do not try to guilt trip me or make me feel bad because it won’t wash. I am not putting either child or myself and DH in this position. It is a hill I am prepared to die on and I will not back down.

Correct, I had never met my cousin. I think I had only met the aunt once at that time. They lived a considerable distance away and had done for years. My mum mostly kept in touch with her sister by letter. We were not on the phone.

And I am not sure I would have had much common ground with a 15 year old girl when I was 11as I had zero interest in "girly" things like fashion, make up and boy bands.