To not want child I don't know bunking in with us?

[Applecrumbleandcustatd]

We are going away soon to attend a wedding. Me, dh and our ds age 8. We are staying for a week as the wedding is quite far but in a great location so we decided to turn it into a holiday.

My sister and bil, and my sister's friend (I'll call her Judy) and Judy's dh and child, are also attending the wedding and will be staying in the same accommodation. It's a large B&B house with individual rooms/apartments.

I don't know Judy other than to say hello (this is relevant).

Dh and I booked our accommodation first, it's a one bed apartment with kitchen and sofa bed in the lounge for our son. We told my sister about it and she and her dh booked another of the apartments and decided to also make a few days of it too, fine.

Sister told Judy about the B&B and Judy then booked up the last room. Judy's room is only a double room rather than an apartment. My sister has told Judy that her dd can bunk in with us for the week and share the sofa bed with our ds. Also that Just can share our kitchen.

The dd is 12 or 13 afaik. We don't know Judy or the dd. I've spoken to Judy in passing but I've never even met the child.

I've said no but my sister is saying I'm being selfish as Judy hasn't got room and the dd will have to sleep on an airbed.

I suspect they will have not wanting to share a bed with each other in common.

I'm new to the thread but OP, yer sister is a headbanger! Poor wee lassie!

The idea for your sister to swap accommodation so the daughter can sleep on the sofa is entirely appropriate though.

Indeed it is the only safe and appropriate solution.

I agree with everyone else. You said no because it was inappropriate and not in keeping with good child safeguarding. It is also your choice and not your sister's where you and your family sleep.

I'd make sure you propose the only sensible and appropriate solution to your sister. Is she possibly being a little selfish here?

You're right there, my son would be affronted at the suggestion too. My son and daughter are similar ages to these kids and they wouldnt even want to share with each other never mind a stranger

@Applecrumbleandcustatd

Yep and Judy’s husband can share the sofa bed with the 8yo DS

Or better Judy and her daughter should share their double bed and her husband sleeps on the blow-up bed. Or any permutation which means OP and her family have absolutely nobody anywhere in their apartment except themselves and their son.

Frankly OP, if it's possible, without losing any money, for you to book somewhere else - and say nothing to your bonkers, pushy sister. 🌹

OP doesn't need to speak to Judy or anyone about arrangements. She just needs to keep telling her batshit sister NO.

Batshit sister is the only one who needs to tell Judy her mad idea is a non starter.

My mother once did something similar to me, also at 12yrs old, at the behest of her friend who wanted her to be in the same accommodation as said friend (also a bit batshit as I recall). I was put in a guest house room next door to where my family were staying. The guest house was full of middle-aged men on walking holidays. There was one shared bathroom. I got washed early to avoid any embarrassment and after a surprise door opening (wrong room) barricaded my door with a chest of drawers so I could sleep. It was horrible. Mum took us home the next day - to be fair on her.

So speaking as the 12 year old I was. I feel pretty sure that no is a kindness to the dd as well.

I'd practically forgotten that event, but now realise it was a really bad experience, caused by my mum's freaky friend. I'm sure your sister doesn't want to be seen as a 'freaky friend' (forever by the dd, I suspect). But, by changing her accommodation with her friend Judy's, she could be the generous friend. If it were me, I'd do that...

“DSis; I booked our accommodation as a holiday to follow on from xxx wedding. A family holiday for DH, Ds and me. I will not enter into any further discussion about sharing our accommodation in any way or accommodating your friends”.

And if she is upset / accuses you of stuff / tries to tell you the children will love it, just completely ignore. Shrug, grey rock, move on.

My sister's pov is that they're only children and SHE knows the family well therefore all is fine
FFS, ‘only children’ : the girl could be having a period.

Who cares what your sisters POV is: it’s irrelevant. Not her accommodation, not her DS, not her holiday.

This is quite obviously a ridiculous suggestion.

You have booked your own family's accommodation for a holiday and your son should not have to share his bed with a teenage girl he doesn't know. It would be weird even if he did know her. What a strange solution from your sister.

Judy needs to book suitable accommodation or her DD goes on an airbed/camp bed.

Your sister should butt out unless she wants to offer her own kitchen/bed to her friends DD.

As you say you don't know either of them so none of this is your problem.

It sounds like you need to assert some boundaries for your sister.

Problem is sister has got huffy and says I'm being unkind. Her pov is that the children will love it and it will be one big happy camping trip. It's a wedding so we all have to pull together and make do.

"Unkind" is a word far too frequently appropriated by manipulators and bullies these days. What about your sister being unkind by making you and your family uncomfortable about your upcoming holiday?

Who is "making do", and why? Presumably, Judy and her husband booked accommodations suitable for their family. Maybe there wasn't another room with a kitchen available; in that case it's great for you and/or your sister to let them use your kitchen(s). The bed thing is inappropriate, obviously: if the two kids hit it off and WANT to have a sleepover, then that's a possibility to consider but it's creepy to plan it in advance. Just say no, and tell her it's final. Let any additional guilt tripping fall on deaf ears.

Judy is clearly a CF hoping for a night free of her child so she and her DH can have a relaxing, fun evening.

Meanwhile, you spend the whole time stressing.

Your sister can suggest something else. Being kind in situations like this is NOT being kind to yourself.

I'm so relieved I've got to the age where being kind is no longer being used as a blackmail phrase on me because NO now flows easily from my lips.

The venue contact thing is brilliant thinking.

I hate all this in my family - and the manipulative ones are always so much better at the machinations than I am! As my DH says “Don’t play their game, you’ll always lose.” This really annoys me enemies says this, which probably means it’s accurate!
Thankfully OP you have the collected wisdom and experience of MN to help you stay strong with your sister and to think of her potential next move.
How dare she behave like this. Good luck OP!!

1. Tell Judy to get fucked.
2. find new accommodation.
3. Use this as a learning experience to not involve the sister in Any holiday plans, chats, or info ever again!!

And don’t agree to her popping in to make teas and coffees either. She can use your sisters kitchen.

Why is your sister’s friend going to your cousin’s wedding?

I’d speak to your cousin about it if you are close.

Your sister sounds nuts. Stand your ground op!

Eh? The op doesn’t even know Judy snd her husband! Pretty sure the OP isn’t letting a random man share with her son!

Absolutely 100% not. It’s mental that your sister thinks that this is ok.

No to the child bunking in with you.

No to them sharing your kitchen.

Your accommodation, your holiday. Wildly inappropriate for a child you don’t know to be sharing with your son.

Tell them to fuck off.

I'd be very surprised if Judy is aware of your sister's plan and agrees with it. Statistically speaking, it's highly improbable that she shares your sister's eccentric view of what's appropriate.

What about getting Judy's number from your cousin so you can send her a breezy message like, "Hi Judy, really looking forward to the wedding! By the way, my sis seems to think your daughter and my son are going to share a bed!! (laughing emoji) She does have some quirky ideas, doesn't she? (laughing emoji) Anyway, I'm sure sis would be happy to swap apartments with you so you'll have enough space to get an inflatable bed in for your daughter. Look forward to seeing you there!"

‘No, that’s not going to work for us, you need to tell Judy to sort her own accommodation, I don’t want to get involved. Please can we not revisit this subject because it’s going to end up spoiling the holiday.’

I definitely wouldn't raise it. If your sister brings it up I would say

"I've answered this it's still no! I'm not forcing ds to share a bed with a stranger on his holiday. We don't know this child we do not want to be responsible for her in any way.
It's nice you want to help the family, why don't you offer use of your kitchen and dc could stay in your living room? Given they are your friends.
Please do not ask again the answer will not change. "

Wow. These suggested replies you’re getting are really polite op. If my sister suggested this to me i would literally just tell her to fuck off. Literally that.

Stay strong!

I know it's not your problem, but really, a 12 year old can sleep on a sofa for a few nights. It's not that difficult when you're young and healthy. If they don't want to do that, they can find her an air mattress or figure out something else. And there's no reason why you should share your kitchen with someone you barely know when your sister has one to share with her friend. Your sister is a weirdo!

No!!!!

And apart from the bed situation, you don't want someone else's child in your apartment because you can't relax!

If Judy's room isn't big enough for her and her family then she needs to book somewhere else!