To not want child I don't know bunking in with us?

[Applecrumbleandcustatd]

We are going away soon to attend a wedding. Me, dh and our ds age 8. We are staying for a week as the wedding is quite far but in a great location so we decided to turn it into a holiday.

My sister and bil, and my sister's friend (I'll call her Judy) and Judy's dh and child, are also attending the wedding and will be staying in the same accommodation. It's a large B&B house with individual rooms/apartments.

I don't know Judy other than to say hello (this is relevant).

Dh and I booked our accommodation first, it's a one bed apartment with kitchen and sofa bed in the lounge for our son. We told my sister about it and she and her dh booked another of the apartments and decided to also make a few days of it too, fine.

Sister told Judy about the B&B and Judy then booked up the last room. Judy's room is only a double room rather than an apartment. My sister has told Judy that her dd can bunk in with us for the week and share the sofa bed with our ds. Also that Just can share our kitchen.

The dd is 12 or 13 afaik. We don't know Judy or the dd. I've spoken to Judy in passing but I've never even met the child.

I've said no but my sister is saying I'm being selfish as Judy hasn't got room and the dd will have to sleep on an airbed.

I haven't RTFT but - not only would having an unknown child share with your DC be uncomfortable for you and your DC, but how much more uncomfortable would Judy's poor DD feel, not only being made to stay with an unknown family, but also being made to sleep with an unknown child ..... of the opposite sex ...

Your sister is mad! #feelfreetoquoteme

For all I know and knowing my sister, she might have even booked the room for Judy and told her she's found her brilliant accommodation. She seems to have the idea that we will all be one big group sharing.

Tell her your husband sleeps in the nude and likes to wander around naked.

Your sister doesn't understand much about children does she? Perhaps you could suggest that she lets the parents make the decisions about what is appropriate for children.

Why on earth would judy and her partner be happy with this? Basic safeguarding ffs I wouldn't have my kids sleep amongst people I don't know!

@Applecrumbleandcustatd

Read the rest of your posts, I think it’s a good idea to let your sister and her friend work out their accommodation between them. If the daughter has to have an airbed or campbed that is fine; they’re quite comfy.

Don’t worry about them, you don’t know them, it isn’t your responsibility and from the point of view of safeguarding for both children, your sister’s suggestion is completely inappropriate.

Have a lovely holiday and enjoy the wedding… in your own, entirely separate and private apartment 😁

I expect that the next thing I'll hear about it will be to ask if I've had chance to think about it anymore.

Even if every person on this thread had said yabu. I still wouldn't have changed my mind about the sleeping arrangements because I don't want ds sharing his sofa bed with a random child. I'd have agreed to them popping in to make tea/coffee or store some milk in our fridge, anything like that.

But every single one of these replies has given me the courage to say get lost without so much as a shred of guilt

Funny you ask sis, I was thinking about this the other day in fact, Im really worried about your/Judy's understanding about child safeguarding. Did you want me to send you any documentation about how to keep children safe, let me know if you do? By the way going to the shops today, seen a lovely jacket, pink it is, I think it will go nicely with my new jeans, witter witter witter......

Absolutely not. You cannot expect your son to share a bad with a teenage girl ffs!

Also there is no way my husband would agree to a random teenage girl we’d never met sharing our apartment. I can’t believe your sister even suggested it. I’m also gobsmacked that the girls mother would think that’s appropriate.

OP I could literally have written your descriptions of your sister about my own sister. You genuinely have my deepest sympathy. Growing up for as long as I can remember my sister has always been abusive and controlling. She is 5 years older and has always used this as a way of telling me how I’m so immature, stupid and pathetic I am. She always says because she’s so much older and wiser than me how she only behaves the way she does because she’s the only one who truly loves and cares for me. Same with regards to my DC. Even though she has no children of her own, she knows what’s best for them because she loves them so much more than me. I’m conscious not to insult her or be anything other than civil even when she’s being vile because any opposition to her is met with how nasty, abusive and uncaring I am. I’m very low contact now purely because my father is elderly and having any form of conversation with her is just so emotionally draining. I look forward to the day where I can cut her off for good. All I can suggest is the grey rock method. No, this won’t be happening under any circumstances. Don’t play into her emotional pull, wash and repeat. It’s very tough but I wish you the best of luck. 🌷

This is a concern though isn’t it! It put everyone on a vulnerable, uncomfortable position.

Looking at it from Judy’s daughter’s perspective, there’s absolutely no chance in hell that I would have allowed my 12 yr old daughter to sleep in a stranger’s flat and she would not in a million years have agreed to share a sofa bed with an unknown 8 yr old. I can’t believe for a second that Judy is actually in agreement with this, and if she is, I judge her!

Absolutely not!

keep yourself and your son safe, anyone could make an allegation.

Judy shouldn't have booked a room that couldn't accommodate her family. I would send them a message together saying I'm sorry that there's seems to be some confusion over accommodation but I will not be asking my child to share his bed with a child he doesn't know. Please leave me out of any further discussions.
I would also contact the venue if you have the same surname and set up a password to discuss the booking because I wouldn't put anything past your sister right now x

Glad you’re saying no, even to kitchen facilities. Imagine it now, you’re lounging braless, just having a slobby morning and here they come, knocking to make a full breakfast. No thanks! Your sister wants to be seen as helpful but to everyone else’s expense. Tell her to sort it

That’s a very good point about the booking - definitely do what strawberry2017 suggests

if she asks again, just ignore her message. Because the more you engage the more fuel it gives these sorts to suck you into defending your position. You don't need to defend your position. Show her how utterly batshit her request is by giving it no acknowledgement whatsoever

Yes. Good idea to ignore rather than engage.

And if you do stick with the same accommodation OP, do not under any circumstances let the word 'sorry' drop from your mouth if the subject comes up, either about the sofa bed or the kitchen

'sorry, we just like our privacy' 'sorry that wont work for us' 'sorry my son would be uncomfortable with that' 'sorry we wanted a holiday with self contained use of the kitchen'

None of that. You need to treat any enquiry into the situation with incredulity that someone would even think its reasonable.

I expect that the next thing I'll hear about it will be to ask if I've had chance to think about it anymore.

Then look her in the eye and say " No, I didn't need to think about it anymore, so don't keep on"

Don't leave the door open for her to come back with a reply.

I assume she doesn't have children and knows nothing about safeguarding.

This is little to do with her having children or not. I have worked in social services but It’s common sense and very few people I know child-free or not would suggest this.

I’d imagine if sister does have children at some point, she wouldn’t dream of offering this kind of arrangement at her/her children’s expense. She would understand safeguarding when it comes to hers.

The fact she’s feigning ignorance shows she doesn’t care that much about OPs child I’m sorry to say.

What I'm struggling to understand is why did Judy book a double room for 3 people? Where is the sense in that?

And I absolutely agree there's no way a girl of 13 or a boy of 8 should be sharing a bed with a child they don't know. And a girl of 13 shouldn't be sharing an apartment where there is an unknown adult male.

Just tell your stupid sister the answer is no because the whole idea is totally inappropriate. Is she usually this batshit?

Yanbu and I'd never agree to this, and tbh if Judy is happy with her 12 yo dd sharing a room with people she doesn't know then Judy is a walking red flag herself or just silly.

What 12 year old would even feel safe and comfortable with this. That's a very unfair position to put her and you all in. It was up to Judy to book something that accommodated her families needs, it wasn't your sisters place to offer your accommodation out to someone you don't really know. Your sister has really overstepped here and I'd be telling her clearly that you've paid for the room for your family to use, not to lend it out to other people and no it's not appropriate for a 12 yo to stay with people she doesn't know and you won't be put in that scenario.

Tell your sister this will categorically not be happening!

My guess for her next proposal.....
Oh sis, I've a great idea 💡 why don't you swap rooms with Judy? After all DS8 is so much smaller and doesn't need much room, he can share the bed with you and your DH. Judy's DD is older, so will need her own bed. Such a great idea by me!!