To not want child I don't know bunking in with us?

[Applecrumbleandcustatd]

We are going away soon to attend a wedding. Me, dh and our ds age 8. We are staying for a week as the wedding is quite far but in a great location so we decided to turn it into a holiday.

My sister and bil, and my sister's friend (I'll call her Judy) and Judy's dh and child, are also attending the wedding and will be staying in the same accommodation. It's a large B&B house with individual rooms/apartments.

I don't know Judy other than to say hello (this is relevant).

Dh and I booked our accommodation first, it's a one bed apartment with kitchen and sofa bed in the lounge for our son. We told my sister about it and she and her dh booked another of the apartments and decided to also make a few days of it too, fine.

Sister told Judy about the B&B and Judy then booked up the last room. Judy's room is only a double room rather than an apartment. My sister has told Judy that her dd can bunk in with us for the week and share the sofa bed with our ds. Also that Just can share our kitchen.

The dd is 12 or 13 afaik. We don't know Judy or the dd. I've spoken to Judy in passing but I've never even met the child.

I've said no but my sister is saying I'm being selfish as Judy hasn't got room and the dd will have to sleep on an airbed.

Um... in what world is this appropriate??

Safeguarding!!!

This is an adolescent with a child. And they've never ever met!

The poor girl can't be put in a room with strangers!

Wtf is your sister on?

@Applecrumbleandcustatd - I would send a message like this to your sister (and adjust to fit in case anyone else contacts you about the issue):
Sis - You offering space in the accommodation that DH & I have booked for Cousin's Wedding so that Judy's child could stay, along with Judy using our kitchen is totally inappropriate and unacceptable. As you have extended this invite to Judy, it is you that has two options. 1. You put Judy's child up in your room and sort out self catering issues between you or 2. Let Judy sort this out in her own family herself and apologise to her for any sort of mixed message she got because you did not have permission to extend an invite to something that was entirely not yours to offer. Please stop asking me about this. I will not be discussing this further with you. As far as I'm concerned, this matter is now closed and I want nothing further to do with it!"

See if your sister likes having to deal with the outcome of her own generosity!

Life is weird. This thread reminded me of a long forgotten situation when I was 13 and my sister asked me to go fix something in the computer. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about and didn’t know how to fix computers. She persisted so much, I eventually said ‘the answer is no and if you continue I’ll ignore you’. So she threw an almighty tantrum and eventually started slapping me. By the time our mother came around to see what the commotion was about, my sister started shouting “stop hitting me!” And crying.
I was grounded, no one believed me.

And sharing an apartment with two adults she doesn't know...

The whole thing is bonkers

What does it matter what your sister's agenda is? Why didn't you instantly shut this down?
Imagine starting a thread instead of just saying No...*
*
I did say no. I said straight away that we didn't even know the child and it wouldn't be fair for my ds.

Trouble is my sister doesn't like taking no for an answer. She more or less said I'm being uptight, told me the children would love it, tried to make me feel bad for her friend and the girl. Kept telling me how lovely the girl is. How it was all for our cousins wedding.

You don't understand how many times I've been in these type of situations with family. You start to feel that you're the one going crazy.

Wtf is wrong with an airbed?! Jeez. The entitlement is strong with this one.

That has been my life with my sister.

"The answer is no and it is non negotiable"

And repeat ad nauseum.

You are NOT going crazy. I am so glad you are reaching out and hearing this from others. Also don’t be annoyed with yourself for doubting you were right. This type of dynamic has us doubting our sanity and accepting so many wrong things. It has ripple effects.

I'd also add that it doesn't matter a jot if your sister has sufficient accommodation in her apartment during this stay.
The key thing here is that Judy not planning sufficient space is NOT your issue to resolve.
Judy could pick somewhere else in the locality to stay if there is even space at this stage but she picked there.
Not your circus - not your monkeys!

YANBU, OP. Let us know your sister’s reaction.

I’m sorry to hear your experience is similar. Maybe try to make this the time you say no , enough. Her pushback, calling you names, is classic, behaviour. Don’t let it get to you (easier said than done)

I repeat - You are NOT going crazy. If anything, you’re the one with any sense, between the two of you, in this.

This is why I would not offer to switch apartments either. Your sister needs to see you mean it when you say no.

It shouldn’t really be a discussion or a back and forth thing once you’ve already said no . I was about to ask is your sister usually this overbearing and then read your updates - so the answer to that is yes!

Keep on saying definitely not and ask her to drop this immediately and stop pushing it. Don’t offer up any solutions, or seek to defend yourself if she accuses you of being unkind again. Be very boring about it and don’t engage in drama . stick to saying - no, that definitely won’t work for us and I won’t be discussing this further.

This is a safeguarding risk. You don’t know anything about this 12 year old.

And secondly, coming from a social service background it jumped out at me how you as adults leave yourself open to accusations. As unlikely as that is it’s best to protect yourself in this situation.

I really doubt this girl or her mum would be happy with this set up even if you did say yes, but out of principle you should say no anyway to make it clear to your sister that this is unacceptable and she can no longer push you about.

Sorry YANBU - there is absolutely no way I would have a stranger’s child share my space - and I certainly would not put them in a bed my 8yo. Am quite shocked that Ops sister thinks this would be okay!

They should speak to the person they’re renting from and see if a fold-out bed is available and, if not, look for alternative accommodation.

This thread has infuriated me!

"It's a wedding so we all have to pull together and make do"
No you fucking don't! That's not even a thing: a wedding doesn't require you - anyone - to sub strangers. You've paid for appropriate accommodation for your family, everyone else can do the same. Why should you compromise your stay? Do not budge one millimetre.

In any case I doubt Judy and her family would be keen on this arrangement. Especially not her daughter!

The poor daughter , that’s so inappropriate and puts you & your husband in a very uncomfortable position.
Tell your sister that it’s not happening and to stop interfering in your holiday arrangements

Trouble is my sister doesn't like taking no for an answer. She more or less said I'm being uptight, told me the children would love it, tried to make me feel bad for her friend and the girl. Kept telling me how lovely the girl is. How it was all for our cousins wedding.

You don't understand how many times I've been in these type of situations with family. You start to feel that you're the one going crazy.

OP, you need to start laughing at her every time she makes crazy suggestions like this. Tell her she is ridiculous.

My sister has told Judy that her dd can bunk in with us for the week and share the sofa bed with our ds. Also that Just can share our kitchen.
Abso-bloody-lutely NOT!

Refer her to the 1971 Arkell v Pressdram case, and in particular Pressdram's response to Arkell's solicitors.

I disagree with this message insomuch as its an emotional investment in setting out 'solutions'

Its not of OPs concern, no need to engage in dialogue about it at all, no suggestions, no ideas, no putting her right

Its just a no.

Your sister is one cheeky fucker

No-one gets to offer to share your accommodation except you.
If she wants to make it easier for her friend then she can share her accommodation

I would ask for friends contact details and then WhatsApp friend & your sister.

• Hi sisters friend, sister has told me that she has offered you use of our accommodation whilst we are at X for the wedding. This was done without my knowledge or consent. I want to make it very clear that we will not accommodate your son or share our accommodation. This is no reflection on you, we barely know each other, we want to be free to enjoy our time away as a family. Best wishes

send them the same message at the same time to avoid misinterpretation

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Your sister is being beyond inappropriate..

I doubt a 13 yo girl would even want to do this..

More importantly though for you is your son and his boundaries.

Just say " No and we won't be discussing this further."