To always go off people

[Superlambaanana]

Posting from phone app so can't add voting, so you'll just have to comment

• YABU and are weird for changing your mind about people or
• YANBU for quickly going off people because a lot of people really actually are twats.

I meet a lot of new people every day because of my particular job and just, as all people do, through life in general. I always start off thinking people are lovely, but almost always go off them very quickly.

Some people just disappoint, so I probably have too high expectations.

But in other cases, it's only after I've thought about the encounter that I realise the person is actually a twat. So perhaps I'm naive or slow to assess people. I have a proper grown up job so I can't be completely thick though.

Here's an example. An older man started chatting to me on the train the other day. Just small talk. He seemed very nice, talked about where he lived and it turned out it's not far from me. His stop came first and he said 'oh don't be offended if I walk past you as I'm very short sighted'. So I said, 'ok well I'll be sure to say hello!'. And I meant it when I said it, thinking, what a nice friendly man!

Literally about 5 minutes after he got off I'd done a U-turn in my head and resolved never to speak to him if I saw him again. I realised he had literally spent the entire conversation talking about himself, his foreign holiday home, how rich he was, how successful his children were etc. and he hadn't asked a single question about me or said anything which wasn't thinly disguised as a boast designed to big himself up.

But while we were actually chatting (well mostly him talking, me listening in this example) I felt he seemed very nice.

I've noticed this happening with lots of people. They seem lovely in the moment when we're first chatting, and it's only on reflection I think 'hang on, they said X and that was really twattish'.

Why don't I seem to be able to spot it in the moment and be immediately less friendly back to these people?!

Because you're socialised into gendered expectations about being nice to people, and default into it, even in your head? I mean, if I were on the train, I would be reading, and while I wouldn't mind a minute of chitchat, I would then say 'I'm going back to my book' and do that, unless the other person was incredibly interesting. I don't like my time being wasted, and I wasn't put on earth to listen to anyone's monologues, like someone being sung at in an opera.

I don't know, maybe acknowledge that your initial judgement is often poor, hold back a bit and take longer to make up your mind about people? Obviously, it doesn't matter in the case of one-off things like the man on the train, but when it comes to colleagues or new acquaintances.

I call them bus friends, pleasant enough to pass the time of day with on a journey, but once I get off the bus they're instantly forgotten.

But it's not just people on the train.

And I'm afraid it's not just men. Though I acknowledge many older men are twats who just want to talk at people, about themselves, at length, ideally repeating some long story they've been boring women with for the last 25 years.

It's people I meet at work too. They act all friendly and upbeat and I am suckered into being the same way back to them and then the next day realise they're actually really false and worse, realise it was staring me in the face all along.

Aw absolutely love your name!!
It's not you. It's them. It takes time to assess people and that is what you have been doing which is intelligent and helps you survive.
I, on the other hand have just realised after 52 years that my "lifetime friend" has been nice to my face but has been stirring anything I say, throwing me under the bus and lying about me for years, in a bid to look the better person. I am devastated that I have wasted so much time with this person and my rose tinted specs are off.
You are making considered opinions, that is all xxx

So, why do you only see this the day after?

Did you have narcissistic parents by any chance? I found this because I grew up having to cater to their needs and be alert to pleasing them and making them feel soothed and happy. So I put my own perceptions to the back of my mind in the moment, then took them out where I could examine them safely later.

As I get older, I'm trying to speed up that process, but it still takes that bit of time to get out of 'protective fawning' to 'safe reflection' mode.

I know what you mean OP. I do this too, or used to. I think in the moment I'm sort of performing societal norms and nodding and smiling, whilst not really paying attention to what is being said or done. It's only later I think "hang on, that person wasn't actually very pleasant". My DH is much less sociable (less conditioned to be nice and affable maybe?), and so hangs back a bit and makes better judgments than me. Now I'm over 50 I'm a bit more reserved, don't want to engage with new people quite so much and tend to watch and listen a bit more.

@JudgeJudging well, that's my point - I don't know why I don't see it at the time. Hence asking if other people experience similar. 🙄

Really interesting. You could be onto something here.

Classic “people pleasing”. Do you have problems with boundaries in other relationships too? (It’s rooted in an unstable childhood).

I wonder if it's a woman thing. We're people pleasers and conditioned to 'be nice'. So we think the best of people and then, with a delayed reaction- and only after the offending person has left, we get space to have clarity of thought away from society's expectations.

Yes I am a chronic people pleaser. To the extent that I'll leave myself in hardship to cow-tow to others. It's desperate but I can't seem to break out of it no matter what I do. In fact when I try, I just feel guilty and miserable that I've been 'mean' to someone.

Imo alot of people are self obsessed twats and you probably don't see it till after because you're too nice to tell them that or to just blank them outright

I don't dislike people who talk about themselves for small talk. It's better than having personal questions fired at you and someone's got to make the effort. If they do it saves me doing it and I like hearing it, if they've got some interesting stories.

It would be different if you were building a proper friendship and they never showed any interest, but to resolve never to speak to a stranger again over it is a bit weird.

Yes! I find this a lot with tradesmen too. They seem lovely. Friendly, reasonable etc. Then after they've left it dawns on me that they were lazy as sin and deeply unpleasant under the surface.

I realise I'm making myself sound like a right village idiot here. I'm not. I'm just constantly surprised at how people can present as very nice and yet, with just a little space for reflection once they've left the room, it becomes apparent they are awful really.

I don't think it's a fault to assume the best of people until you have evidence otherwise.

I had that just last week. Have had a couple of quotes for new carpets and liked one bloke in particular who came highly recommended, was helpful and friendly and seemed intelligent. I was impressed.
Went into his shop the next day to look at carpets / pick up swatches and after about 10 mins was blindsided by him telling me about his one and only difficult customer, who happened to be a 'foreigner'.
I left.
Wish people like this came with a visible sign that they are twats. Would save a lot of time.

Interesting thread.
I have a narc ish parent (it's become very obvious as she's got older).
People have always talked at me, confessed random things, work colleagues, clients and strangers. I've felt quite silenced at times.
Sometimes it helped in my job, I always seem to know the extra titbits of information. Sometimes I see myself as privalaged to see into people's lives without having to live them.

Unfortunately, I got older and my hormones ran out. Yesterday my mum spoke at me for an hour, then a lonely neighbour for another hour.
I have run out of fucks and can't find my grip. I think I've also heard so much over the decades, it's made me quite brutal, quite cynical in my head.
DH is much more like @Cellotapedispenser 's DH but I often think this is a gender thing.
A few years ago I was called out by management when I couldn't handle a male clients utter bullshit sob story, I was expected to be more kind. My male co-workers were excused dealing with him because he preferred a friendly face!

Agree. It can be more interesting to talk to someone who dosent just ask personal questions.

I find i go off people i know after a while, when ive known them for a while. Not everyone of course, some people always remain consistent and nice.

Oh god this is me

😂

I'm so critical it's incredible

Unfortunately, I got older and my hormones ran out.

^

This is my new mantra

😃🍸

Maybe you’re over thinking the interaction after? I tend to get a feel for people and if they seem friendly and chatty I wouldn’t go through the conversation and reflect deeply on the content to an extent I’d be put off then I’d just move on. Talking about your home and kids isn’t inherently showing off unless he was obviously bragging in which case surely you’d notice at the time? I think perhaps it’s you looking for things not them?

I could have written this! Different perspective: I saw/read something a while ago that talked about ADHD brains and novelty and how it's possible to mistake the newness and interestingness of a fresh person as actually liking someone. I related to this. It described how I behaved in relationships when I was younger. I've also realised that I don't need many friends once I've found people who I actually genuinely like. I've tried to stay the course with friendships in the past when I shouldn't have and needed to actively disengage. I often feel like I've misled people, when actually, my brain has misled us both... I can be a bit of a human labrador when I'm in social situations as a coping mechanism and don't know how to be distant. Also... I think there are just plenty of people who I don't really click with. I'm a bit jaded about it now, a bit disinterested in people. Though this could also be age.

Mmm. Are you being a bit harsh on people?

And do you like anyone you meet?

I don't actually expect people to ask questions about me. It's nice if they do. But in a fleeting conversation in public, people generally aren't perfect, seamless communicators. They talk too much, too little, try to bluster through their shyness, say slightly silly things etc. I wonder if your expectations are far too high, and these people are actually all pretty nice. They're just human.

I'm glad others experience this too! It isn't everyone thank god or I'd have to move to a remote island. Many people are nice when I first meet them and continue to be nice for years, decades even!

Some of you need to check out the Things you simply cannot be arsed with anymore thread! You will find your people there!