To always go off people

[Superlambaanana]

Posting from phone app so can't add voting, so you'll just have to comment

• YABU and are weird for changing your mind about people or
• YANBU for quickly going off people because a lot of people really actually are twats.

I meet a lot of new people every day because of my particular job and just, as all people do, through life in general. I always start off thinking people are lovely, but almost always go off them very quickly.

Some people just disappoint, so I probably have too high expectations.

But in other cases, it's only after I've thought about the encounter that I realise the person is actually a twat. So perhaps I'm naive or slow to assess people. I have a proper grown up job so I can't be completely thick though.

Here's an example. An older man started chatting to me on the train the other day. Just small talk. He seemed very nice, talked about where he lived and it turned out it's not far from me. His stop came first and he said 'oh don't be offended if I walk past you as I'm very short sighted'. So I said, 'ok well I'll be sure to say hello!'. And I meant it when I said it, thinking, what a nice friendly man!

Literally about 5 minutes after he got off I'd done a U-turn in my head and resolved never to speak to him if I saw him again. I realised he had literally spent the entire conversation talking about himself, his foreign holiday home, how rich he was, how successful his children were etc. and he hadn't asked a single question about me or said anything which wasn't thinly disguised as a boast designed to big himself up.

But while we were actually chatting (well mostly him talking, me listening in this example) I felt he seemed very nice.

I've noticed this happening with lots of people. They seem lovely in the moment when we're first chatting, and it's only on reflection I think 'hang on, they said X and that was really twattish'.

Why don't I seem to be able to spot it in the moment and be immediately less friendly back to these people?!

You don’t have to like anyone, and they don’t have to like you.

This is such a powerful thing to understand.

Quite honestly your posts are screaming BPD at me. Rapid cycling between liking and not liking people is one of the hallmarks.

You also seem to flip between people pleasing and being very hostile quite quickly.

Yeah I think you’ve given some good advice @Polishedshoesalways

Realistically though (with the example of a brief interaction with a stranger on a train) why on earth the need to decide whether you like them or not? You don’t know them- you simply can’t make any informed judgment.

Why not view it as passing a bit of time talking to a stranger on a train? It’s not that deep.

I’ve no idea why op has reflected and taken such a dislike to someone based on a tiny snapshot of their life.

Maybe he was a bit full of himself, maybe he was burbling on because op appeared so interested and he didn’t want to start asking her questions about her life. Perhaps he wasn’t particularly socially adept.
Fuming that he didn’t ask anything about you? Usually in an interaction, the other person will respond without prompting- for example- if he mentioned his grown up dc, that is the opportunity for you to share something about your own family, if you wish.

It seems daft to expect anything more than idle chat from a stranger, or to read so much into a first impression and decide he’s deliberately pretending to be nice but is actually sinisterly unpleasant.

I have a friend of many like about 30 years abd she is very like this so much so it used to get on my nerves .But now im used to it . Like somebody new would start at work o and they'd be the greatest thing since sliced bread . Then Gradually as time went on the newness wore off and she wouldn't like them so much ! I think it's nice to meet new people and give them a chance but reserve judgement about their character till you know them properly.

Hmmm.

The example you’ve given perhaps isn’t the best, because there are different types of conversations, and men in particular (but also women in eg banking, City, construction industry etc) have been taught that a conversation consists of promoting oneself and then the other person should interrupt to promote theirself. If you thought that guy was nice he probably was, but he was having a different type of conversation than the one you decided (after the conversation had finished) that you wanted.

I think you may be judging people too quickly without trying hard enough to get to know them and understand them.

Yes, it can result in neurotic naivety, which was me for many years.

OP, it seems that you’re catching on quick as you did with the man on the train. So your thought processes appear fine.

I grew up having to soothe/please (my parents) and got used to putting my own perceptions to the back of my mind, where I could examine them safely later

I think this demonstrates a deep level of self awareness- you developed a method of self protection in a way. You kept the peace- deliberately avoided confrontation and put your parents feelings before your own? And I’m sorry you had to do that growing up 🥲

However op isn’t putting her perception of a person she meets to the back of her mind, she is immediately forming a definite perception that the person is “nice” trustworthy, and a good person and then very quickly feeling hostility towards them afterwards, or perhaps disappointment that they weren’t the person she imagined them to be in her head.

I honestly can’t say I’ve ever felt strong feelings either way towards someone I’ve just met based on a short (shallow) conversation.
I might decide they seem pleasant enough or that I’m not sure if I like them.
I suppose I’m just quite guarded until I actually get to know them properly.

OP, I know exactly what you mean.

This is true, but doesn't really have anything to do with the question the OP is asking.

She is asking if it is normal to start off thinking people are lovely, but almost always go off them very quickly.

Op also says Im desperate to like people. I feel guilty and miserable (if I don’t like someone or want to reciprocate friendliness) so I think it’s a pertinent comment.

If you immediately decide (or put pressure on yourself) to like someone, want to be their friend, they’re lovely (based on a good first impression) then you’re almost trying to force an intimacy or a familiarity which is false.

Im actually put off by people that are overly familiar and “all over me” on a first encounter- it takes time to build a friendship
.…a bit like trying to build a house on no foundations- cracks appear quickly or the whole thing falls down!

I don’t think op is a bad person at all but if this happens continually then changing approach might help.

I think some of you are misunderstanding that I am not overly investing in these people- these are work or tradesmen or fleeting general public encounters. It doesn't really impact my life and it doesn't matter that I realise later the person wasn't as nice as I was finding them 'in the moment'.

So this is musing rather than something that impacts my life in any meaningful way.

Some of you like @SmileyClare have hit the nail on the head. I find people nice and actively think during the initial conversation 'what a nice person' then afterwards feel hostility towards them because on reflection I realise they weren't nice at all. It's probably better I don't catch onto this when talking to them as it would spoil an otherwise pleasant exchange for both me and the other person!

I know exactly what you mean @Superlambaanana many times I've met new people whom I though were really lovely, only to feel a little sick and unwell later on, when I thought of it.

In the case of the old twat in the train it could be that you were actually enjoying the one way conversation - for a moment - just out of novelty and curiosity; it can be amazing the level of information some people will reveal to a complete stranger and within earshot of many strangers.
He had his time with you and gave you enough to decide that he was, in fact, a waste of oxygen. Did you feel used? I remember feeling used after something similar. Twat.

The thing is, if you meet a lot of people, you've probably seen it all. Most people are boring, superficially kind but really quite mean, ordinary and feeble prats. All the more reasons to cherish the ones who aren't.

Most people are really quite mean

Maybe I’m a bit deluded or just quite lucky (?) but I absolutely believe the majority of people on this earth are good people- albeit flawed for all manner of reasons.

All humans are inherently selfish really but most don’t have bad intentions.

That said, I think it pays to be a bit guarded before making a decision on whether you like enough about them, want to get to know them more, perhaps you don’t “need” to like them just tolerate them (to work alongside them for eg) or maybe you want to give them a wide berth.

I mean I find people quite fascinating- I can find them annoying, boring or an a different planet but that doesn’t mean they’re unpleasant.
One thing that took me years to work out is that It pays to judge people in your life on their actions sometimes more than their words.

I agree @SmileyClare i really don't think most people have bad intentions. I should have said small-minded and selfish. (depressing myself here)

Yes I see that @friggingno ! I’m getting more cynical as I age 🙁

Dh is someone who decides almost immediately if he likes someone or not. He thinks I make excuses for people too much. Say for example there’s a loud showy person in the pub- I’ll be saying Well he might be like that because he’s insecure, has a small penis or got bullied at school or something.

In the same way there’s a danger you write off someone as aloof and unfriendly when they’re just shy and a bit awkward at first.

So op people could be thinking all this about you l, I take people as find them and if they have no bad intent I don't have towards them

I know it's fashionable for people to squeeze out drama or ways to be upset or offended with every single 'transaction' but I just don't I don't see a need

... only to feel a little sick and unwell later on, when I thought of it.

Bingo!

This isn't about people I might want to bring into my friend circle. They're just random encounters and in many cases unlikely I'll see the person again. Hence that it isn't a big deal but interesting to me that I change my mind about how I perceive them after the fact. Perhaps if I got to know them I might change back to thinking they're nice again but I don't think so!

I do find most people easy to get on with and am optimistic about my fellow humans, despite what this thread suggests. I enjoy lots of people's company and do believe the majority of people are inherently good.

There are also a lot of twats out there though.

I think those who get what I'm on about, 'get it' and those that don't just don't. I'm heartened that I'm not alone in finding many people unpleasant but only on reflection rather than instantly.

For me, some aloof and unfriendly people have turned out to be real gems @SmileyClare I try not to judge until I have cause to, either way.
There is generally always a genuine reason if people are crap, but it doesn't mean we have to suffer them. And not everyone who has reasons behaves badly, so there is that.

Fair point @friggingno 🙂

I litterally always have a marvellous time out and about with people, @Superlambaanana it's after...

the majority of people are inherently good.
Yes. As long as they're not challenged.

This is so interesting. I’m very critical and I think it’s not a good thing. My mother is critical and negative anf I think I’ve learnt it from her. Better to try not to go too deeply into critical thinking about people and just try and take them as they are.

I suppose it’s natural to judge people on a first impression even if you don’t want to- it’s human nature.

I don’t think I’ve assumed a person’s character, gone home and then decided I feel completely differently though.

Rationally you don’t have any more information than you had when you were interacting with them.

You're overthinking it. They're just people, and most people chat shit (myself and probably you included). Maybe the guy on the train was trying to avoid any awkward silences? Or maybe he does like chatting about himself - it's most people's favourite topic of conversation after all. There are worse crimes!