To always go off people

[Superlambaanana]

Posting from phone app so can't add voting, so you'll just have to comment

• YABU and are weird for changing your mind about people or
• YANBU for quickly going off people because a lot of people really actually are twats.

I meet a lot of new people every day because of my particular job and just, as all people do, through life in general. I always start off thinking people are lovely, but almost always go off them very quickly.

Some people just disappoint, so I probably have too high expectations.

But in other cases, it's only after I've thought about the encounter that I realise the person is actually a twat. So perhaps I'm naive or slow to assess people. I have a proper grown up job so I can't be completely thick though.

Here's an example. An older man started chatting to me on the train the other day. Just small talk. He seemed very nice, talked about where he lived and it turned out it's not far from me. His stop came first and he said 'oh don't be offended if I walk past you as I'm very short sighted'. So I said, 'ok well I'll be sure to say hello!'. And I meant it when I said it, thinking, what a nice friendly man!

Literally about 5 minutes after he got off I'd done a U-turn in my head and resolved never to speak to him if I saw him again. I realised he had literally spent the entire conversation talking about himself, his foreign holiday home, how rich he was, how successful his children were etc. and he hadn't asked a single question about me or said anything which wasn't thinly disguised as a boast designed to big himself up.

But while we were actually chatting (well mostly him talking, me listening in this example) I felt he seemed very nice.

I've noticed this happening with lots of people. They seem lovely in the moment when we're first chatting, and it's only on reflection I think 'hang on, they said X and that was really twattish'.

Why don't I seem to be able to spot it in the moment and be immediately less friendly back to these people?!

In fairness I think you might be right. I am probably overthinking and looking for stuff to be grumpy about. Though my sub conscious obviously throws up people I've recently met as fodder to feed my grump for a reason.

Perhaps they are just below the threshold of in-yer-face annoying and that's why I don't see it at the time. But I actually think these people are actually worse than that, but because they present as friendly and nice and it takes me a bit of time and reflection to see through it to their twattish underbellies.

I agree with everything you've said, but must absolutely fucking everything these days be traced back to ADHD or general ND? This drives me nuts!

Feeling sad? You must be ADHD!
Not in the mood to chat? You must be ADHD!
Itchy arse? You must be ADHD!

@Grumblevision you seemed nice at first but I've gone off you now.

I probably am being too harsh. I'm getting grumpier as I age. People do annoy me. They continually disappoint me by being arseholes despite seeming nice at first. I think I am simultaneously desperate to like people and fed up with other people!

Mind you - you've probably gone off me by now...

🤣😄😁

This.

Passing conversation with someone you aren't likely to either see again, or, if you do, would just be on 'passing pleasantries / nodding terms' with is very different from a friend that you see regularly never asking about you or your life.

This is likely to be someone who is a bit lonely, craving conversation and keeping out of trouble by not prying.

I do wonder why you are 'going over conversations in your head' a day later though, when this is just inconsequential chat with a stranger.

I think YABU. If there is such a pattern of you liking people, then poring over their conversation a day later, then going off them, that is unusual behaviour and I think you have to look at the common denominator.

I mean, we all encounter people who we really don't take to for one reason or another, but more often than not that is clear from the outset.

Or, potentially, we might have people we got on well with who let us down when we needed them.
But you are talking about a pattern of regularly liking people, then, without encountering them again, deciding you don't like them. That is odd.

Out of interest, did he ever pause in his conversation to give you an opportunity to speak? I don't always ask questions, but will leave pauses for the other person to speak. After a few seconds, if they don't say anything. I'll chat to keep the conversation going.

Look folks, the guy on the train was a twat. I live in an affluent area and he was a retired legal professional who unbidden, boasted about his younger second wife and successful children and that he was fed up spending time in England because of the weather and couldn't understand 'why anyone still spent the entire year here' when clearly he knew perfectly well that not everyone can afford a second home, never mind to spend 6 months of the year in it.

He wasn't some poor lonely old man just looking for the comfort of conversation with an amenable stranger.

I don't expect strangers to ask me about myself. I don't even expect my friends and family to proactively ask how I am! I'm perfectly capable of telling them if I need to or want their advice.

So the pps suggesting I should take small talk for what it is are missing the point.

I'm on about people who seem nice at first glance. But who aren't nice at all. People who are able to put on such a convincing version of nice that it actually takes a while to see through it.

These people seem to be everywhere and I suspect have duped partners and friends into long term relationships with them, in spite of having seriously unpleasant traits and even underlying personality disorders.

Was it the Exeter to Waterloo line? you get some right performative wankers on that.

If DH hasn't got his headphones in, he'll be eye rolling and texting me the highlights.

Lols @TVsEngineer not quite but close!

I can spot a loud, obnoxious person a mile off too. But there are still some people who just seem so nice when you're engaging with them and it really only is later that it falls into place that they are, well.. horrible.

I don't think you can judge someone you talked to for a few minutes on a train. He may have been lonely and just chatted to you because you seemed nice, if he had started asking personal questions I expect you would be complaining about that. Did you volunteer anything about yourself? You brightened up his day a bit, nothing deep and important and he's probably perfectly nice if you really got to know him.

Some self reflection might help and also some acknowledgment that humans are all flawed.

You gave the guy in the train the impression that you were interested in his conversation- now if you see him in your local area you’re going to be really cold. So he will conclude you were fake and possibly “a twat” 😂

Some people are a bit insecure and feel the need to impress others. So what? It’s probably from an insecurity or need to be admired.

I can generally see beyond that, just as you expect people to accommodate your excessive people pleasing and blowing hot and cold. You’re a product of your life experiences as much as anyone else.

You’re extremely critical and appear to prejudge on very little information.

I think it would help if you could hold back when meeting new people- stop making immediate judgements of others.

Youre as flawed as anyone else- I’m sure you have good qualities and bad.
A bad quality is perhaps your desperation to be liked when meeting new people and trying to force an immediate bond?

I usually take people as they come but reserve judgment until I’ve got to know them better.

I actually think that was a really hostile reply to a poster with ADHD traits sharing their own experience.

It doesn’t align with you being a “chronic people pleaser” !

I do think you perhaps struggle with being your true self in social interactions and are probably too gushing and needy.

Over analysing conversations after the event can stem from anxiety or insecurities. You would want people to cut you some slack and employ some empathy instead of making snap judgements of you wouldn’t you?

Everyone to an extent presents their “best self” when they first interact, that’s completely normal. It’s not a sign they’re “fake” or “tricking” you.

I kind of get where you're coming from OP. I've learnt over the years though that if I want to have long lasting friendships, I need to be more accommodating to people. With my good friends I'll tell them when they're being annoying and they do the same for me.

I have noticed that a lot of people aren't very good at conversation which is why you get those that only talk about themselves.

I've had a few instances over the years where I've not initially liked or got on with people (usually at work) but after a time have developed a good relationship with. In fact one of my best friends didn't like me at all, and we both had very negative first impressions of each other. That was 40 years ago, and we are closer than sisters.

I know what you mean. For me, it’s when I feel able to drop the initial facade after meeting someone new. Once I feel comfortable enough not to pretend to be the nicest person ever, I generally realise I don’t actually like them very much and stop trying to please them.

When I first started my job, I tried hard to get on with the whole team despite our obvious differences but now I’ve been there a few years I’ve accepted I don’t like a couple of them and that’s ok so I avoid them where possible. They actually haven’t done anything massively wrong, I just find them a bit dull (and I don’t like Victorian romantic fiction).

Could it be that you are kind of introverted, so after people pleasing, listening and being friendly actually leads to your battery being drained and on reflection they are the ones that drained your battery and you need to re-charge afterwards from all their talking at you.

You seem to be going from one extreme to the other with fairly casual interactions.

Someone making small talk on public transport or a work interaction isn't worth any headspace. If it happens and it's pleasant in the moment, it doesn't have any deeper. I don't think that person is wonderful just for being chatty and smiley. But then I also wouldn't think they were a "twat" or an "arsehole" if I realised the next day they'd been a bit navel-gazing. I only encountered them for a tiny moment in time and it's not enough to judge their whole personality on (nor important enough to try).

If you're not enjoying the interaction in the moment you have every right to remove yourself from it (I do this all the time on public transport by means of headphones) or pre-empt interactions like that happening in the first place (again, headphones).

I'm at my most misanthropic when I don't interact with people tbh. When I actually bother to talk to people I find that most are more interesting and nicer than I'd initially assumed. So I go the other way.

I agree with @gannett You're very black and white in your thinking.

Are you just a hopeless romantic? Falling in love with your own fantasy of the person you’ve just met ?

Of course a tradesman you first meet is going to be friendly and charming. It’s naive to assume they are a lovely person who is good at their job based on this.😬

Jeez, I do this all the time! Hadn't realised until I read this thread! Really interesting

This is going to sound really preachy which is not my intention but I lost a really close friend to cancer recently. At first I missed all the good things about them. Then I missed all the annoying things! Obviously we are all made up of both. And in the end I realised that we enjoy all of the aspects that go to make up a person’s personality not just the good bits.

Edited to say I do agree with you op about people rambling on about themselves! It’s rife! Part of it I think is that people are anxious about asking personal questions nowadays for fear of offending. Plus there’s a real skill to it and you don’t get enough practice just interacting on line. In the instance of the man who lived near you, I think I would have concluded that he was lonely and missed his family but didn’t have anywhere to “vent” so you did him a favour. It’s very poor manners not to ask questions in return though!

Oh well reading your update - and completely changing my impression of the man on the train who I wrongly assumed was a lonely pensioner - why didn’t you challenge him politely op then and there? Why didn’t you say “I imagine not everyone gets the chance to travel what with the current cost of living crisis?” You may feel better about the conversation if you don’t sit there passively. And if he doesn’t let you have a word in edgeways there are techniques to learn about interjecting. Maybe you need assertiveness training op?

Hmm I do think it’s hypocritical to accuse “these people” of putting on a “such a convincing version of nice” when you are doing the same!

Presumably you reacted favourably to the guy on the train speaking to you- feigned enthusiasm and interest in his life which likely prompted him to continue- you gave a good impression of someone who wanted to listen.

Now you resent him- he’s a certified twat because he made a clumsy comment about holidaying abroad that wasn’t inclusive of poor people. You’re both from an affluent area, maybe he’s a bit of a snob. Hardly any need for your level of hostility / revulsion.

You even assured him that you were looking forward to seeing him again and would give him a wave in your local area.
How over the top! 🤣

Either you’re struggling to process social interactions as they happen or you’re faker than a 2 bob note yourself.

They could be thinking the same about you. I don’t know if it’s an age thing. Now I’m in my fifties I feel like I don’t have to do anything I don’t want, or bother with people I don’t want to. It’s all good as long as I remember I may see the same lacking level of acceptance towards me as I give out to others.

Surely it should be clear as day that you are doing exactly what you are accusing them of. You're accusing people of being really nice when underneath it they're not.

You act as though you're really nice by being a people pleaser, when in actual fact, you're very judgemental.

I used to do this!

I managed to break the habit by asking myself three questions about every new situation or new person

1. Do I have the energy and will to engage with this person?

2. Do I gain or lose something by doing it ie time, energy, effort, resources.

3. Do I actually like this person?

Pause. Ask yourself these questions. Assess. Continue or disengage politely.

Works for me every time. It turns off my people pleasing automatic mode and engages my thinking - assessing ability.