To not wait with my wife for her message?

[Cnthnfne]

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

Edit: I'm agreeing with @Iwasafool , thw rest is what I wanted to add!

All these comments along the lines of "she needs that massage" and blaming OP do nothing for equality.
For all we know, she is always abusive towards OP. We don't know either way for sure - we can only go on her poor behaviour on this occasion.
Calling OP idiotic and assuming he made her act this way... fantastic victim blaming while also painting women as poor things who can't speak up for ourselves.

Yes, this is what I should have done.

It’s good you recognise this. Say this to your wife.

And book her a 1 hour massage at a good salon.

What did your wife want?

Well, this is the point isn’t it. Why didn’t he wife just ask for him to take her?

Perhaps the wife thought her daughter would be OK with her?

I do agree that she shouldn't have been given the choice though.

Op's wife could also have phoned Op to fetch the daughter.

Perhaps she was just pissed off by then at the fuss of trying to get a 10min massage so cut off her nose to spite her face.

Was your wife ignoring anyone who spoke to her in the car?

If not why does silence in the car matter?

Obviously wrong if she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the days off though.

It sounds like it was a stupid idea in the first place, and then with taking one child each it was set up so it couldn’t possibly have worked out, which then gave her an excuse to be moody with you. Look up the drama triangle and talk to her about it - it sounds like she engineered this scene so she could come out of it as a victim which you as the persecutor. You don’t have to play along with her interpretation of this.

Actually, one of the things that's always interesting on MN is how often women on here tie themselves in knots to give their partner's side when they're asking AIBU. "I know the tI shouldn't have done that and he was irritated because he's had a lot of work on and he's tired and has been pulling double shifts, so I do feel really bad. He told me that he wasn't going to help with the children at all this week and made it clear that was definitive. But AIBU to think he could at least acknowledge my efforts?"

Oh yes this! God I hope you are not one of those men (NEM!) Who buggers off to the golf course/gym/running/cycling all weekend/evenings and she has to do all the work herself...as a back story that would explain why she feels pretty grumpy that she can't even take 5 minutes out when the opportunity presents itself. Yes she could have communicated a bit better but I suspect she felt guilty having to ask. You probably should have used your own initiative and thought...what will my 7 year old do whilst she has this massage/how can I keep her entertained. I have a 7 year old boy and I know any queue longer than 1 minute I will hear whining. I can't tell you how much I wish my weak willed husband would take the initiative so I speak from unfortunate experience, gets exhausting having to be the pushy one all of the time, especially when you don't like asking for something for yourself as you feel guilty even asking. Sometimes asking the child what they want is a good thing...choice is good. Equally sometimes they don't know what they really want and you know them better than they know themselves! That's when you take the reins as parent and decide for them/distract them with a fun father kid thing to do. How good are you at engaging both your kids and keeping them entertained? Do you do this often?

This thread is a great example of why Mumsnet is a load of fucking bollocks

You knew what would/could happen when you have the children the choice. I hope she gives them the same choice when you want to play golf/watch football/go cycling etc.
You can't relax while minding a 7 year old.

Your wife should have made it clear she expected you to take both children, also let the kids know that Dad was taking them. Sulking at 36 isn't showing your children how to be an adult, hope she's speaking to you now.

I mean, yeah, however you slice it, why didn't the wife phone him and tell him to come and get DD? It's not fair to say he should have taken her straight off, as she may have waited fine. It's not like DW spoke up and told him to take both either.

People who attempt to control others with their moods are unreasonable, regardless of whether they are male or female.

People don't get those chair massages for a relaxing treat like spas, more like to sort out a knot or pull. She's unwell and might not have chance to go there again any time soon.

Also, they're in a shopping centre not stood on the side of a road - why all the bellyaching about the kids and op 'waiting around' for the mum. It's an extra 15 minutes in the place they've chosen to go. No indication in op that the kids were desperate to leave when wanted to take her 10 minutes.

Spot on. I mean, really. What did OP think was going to happen when it got to be his wife's turn in the chair? Who was going to watch the child then if he'd disappeared with the other one?

But, at the same time, she is unreasonable to be sulking over it and treating you this way. She's a grown up. She should have used her words at the time (to ask you to take both children away) and she should use them now (to apologise for blaming you when she could have spoken up as well).

People who use silent treatment to control others are totally unreasonable, and it isn´t the OP. Can´t stand moody people. She has a mouth so she could have told her daughter to move off. Like she had a mouth when she decided to have a massage in the middle of a family shopping trip. Weird in the extreme. So OP, no I do not think YABU. Don´t know how you put up with this. I would get on with my usual life until she is over her toddler strop.

Your wife should have made it clear she expected you to take both children, also let the kids know that Dad was taking them.

Maybe she didn't want to do the thinking/organising(for once?)

Sometimes you just want to say "this is what I'm doing for the next few minutes" & that be your only input.

This.

She shouldn't be sulking and that is pretty shitty behaviour. But I've been that woman who is just exhausted and just wants DH to step up and bloody THINK and ANTICIPATE for once, without me having to do it all.

OP. Your wife must be awful to live with and you sound endlessly patient. Book yourself a massage to destress from her bad behaviour.

Just find a proper place and get the details, let her have the number and tell her to book it and you will drop her/pick her up. Not sure how your finances work but if you paid for it as well (not out of any joint monies if that is possible) bonus points.

I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue

Mistake right there, how did you think your wife was going to have a massage with a 7 year old in tow? You should have just taken DD with you and your son.

I was wondering why you would have to wait at a stall for a mEssage🤣🤣🤣

She’s nuts and if anyone sees it another way they’re just being ridiculous. Sounds like you have 3 children not 2.

The issue is not you not waiting with her for her company sake but that you didn't take dd with you and wife just wanted prb 10 mins of peace only to be interrupted by whiny child in queue whilst you waltzed around the shops having a nice time. So yes she has every right to be annoyed at you. Book her a proper massage in a proper place for some leave and quiet to make up for it.

How is your relationship generally? This one incident seems over blown but sometimes it is death by a thousand paper cuts and this pushed her over the edge.

It is entirely predictable that leaving your DD in the queue would end like this. You passively allowed your DD to chose to stay so your DW would have to be the bad guy and tell her she wasn’t wanted or suck it up and try to make it work with a child in tow.

Not a major deal usually but if you’re generally a bit lacking in forethought and empathy and she’s exhausted by it all it’s not surprising she’s upset.

Agreed

I would love to see just one post where someone says 'well I don't blame your husband giving you the silent treatment for days on end because you should have guessed he didn't like what you cooked for dinner anymore' as opposed to wahhh emotionally abusive immature twat ltb right away you deserve better