To not wait with my wife for her message?

[Cnthnfne]

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

So she wanted to be self-indulgent but feel like she wasn’t?

even as a woman I don’t understand this.

Yep, secret gripe alert.

I wouldn't be having the sulking for days though. I'd be saying days booked off were cancelled until she's over her strop. Or go off an do my own thing.

Not only his fault but he needs to pay for a proper massage for her.

You said in your OP that you asked DD if she wanted to stay or go to shops with you. You shouldn’t have given her the choice.

Just to add, I don’t agree at all with the silent treatment. I used to get that and it’s unacceptable.

It doesn't matter what other people say or whether the reaction is justified. If the OP wants to understand the reaction he should think about why she reacted like that. Same would go for either sex.

Your wife is completely out of line. I cannot imagine thinking it appropriate to expect 3 people to wait around while I got a massage.

Exactly. The OP makes no sense- clearly a lot of context here that is missing!

Sorry but agreed as a woman this makes no sense to me either. I resent the fact that as a woman I’m this demure, frail little bird who can’t express her own opinions and have to have my wants and needs expressed by my psychic husband. Have we regressed in thoughts and attitudes about 60 years? Seems very sexist. If I wanted a massage I’d book a proper one not a naff five minute one where everyone was queuing up watching me at some crappy stall. Where’s the indulgence in that? If she’s confident enough to be voicing herself by getting stroppy and self assured enough to punish with the silent treatment then she’s “big enough to use her big girl voice” and tell her husband exactly what she needs from him. The lack of communication between a lot of people these days is unbelievable and people wonder why their marriages are failing. It’s almost a crime to be human and make mistakes because it’s seen as sabotage. Such weird paranoia.

If DP decided on a shopping trip he was having a massage, then was furious at me for not just taking the children to allow it while the 3 of us waited around, followed by the silent treatment for days... no, the last thing he'd be getting is a surprise massage.

Mumsnet double standards ride again. People absolutely falling over themselves to blame the OP and say that his wife is a poor put upon flower who just needed five minutes to herself. She sounds like a pain, OP. Plus 'days' of the silent treatment is borderline emotional abuse. I hate the way that women can seemingly never do wrong on this site, it isn't reflective of real life at all.

This tells of a bigger picture I feel.

I think you need to sit down with her and really listen to what she says, even if you think she's just grumbling or being pedantic.

Sometimes being a mum is a death of a thousand papercuts

To be fair 75% of people said that the OP was NBU and a lot of posters have picked up on the same points that you’ve made. I think the remaining 25% are just people who put themselves forward a lot more aggressively to try and prove their point. People who shout the loudest don’t always represent the majority. I think anyone with any common sense can see that he’s not really this massive asshole and his wife is out of line for her behaviour. I think Mumsnet brings out the worst in people because they can hide behind a screen to be offensive.

Not only that but so many different ways to excuse abusive behaviour in a woman
'But she's frazzled'
'You prob do this a lot'
'You should have known' so much projection and sexism it's insane

But excusing abusive behaviour just only serves to justify it
Imagine us analysing why men abuse
'Frustration of being the breadwinner'
'More testosterone'
'Struggle to share their feelings'
'Prob tired and needs down time from working so hard'

No

Absolutely this.

How about the mother taking parental control and letting DD know she should go with dad and letting him know what she wanted.

Poor helpless women, we can't actually manage to speak can we? Well yes most of us can.

Odd behaviour.

Oh FGS. Of course the wife is going to be supported here. Instead of snapping and ruining everybody's day, or days as the OP is suggesting, she could just have easily called to say "come get DD now, she is getting her fed up" or similar.

Her OTT reaction is not ok but I would have been annoyed in her shoes too. Are there other things and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

Why did you ask the kids what they wanted? You should have just been assertive and said ‘let’s go look in X shop’ to both of them. Or grab a hot chocolate or whatever would get them to go with you. A massage in a busy mall is barely relaxing but with a child saying they are bored?? No point on doing that, is there.

Wife sounds at rhe end of her tether with an idiotic husband who can't work out the obvious.

Book her a massage and give her an actual break.

not fair on you but.. she needs a massage.. book it for her and take kids out for the day. She needs a break.

Don't be ridiculous. Wife sounds deeply unpleasant, and if a man was behaving as she did, everyone would be saying LTB.

I'm not being ridiculous, but don't worry, you'll be alright.

I agree

There is some serious over reaching, projection and embellishing to your inane drivel going on here and you say I am claiming things that don’t know at all? My word.

You must have pulled a muscle with that reach. Maybe get a massage while supervising a 7yo in a busy shopping centre. I haven’t embellished anything. It’s all in the OP. He said he gave the kid a choice to stay with mummy while mummy got a massage, he said he agreed they would wait while she had the massage but then buggered it up for her. He said she’s ill. He said she’s pissed off about it. You are the one calling her a “shit mum”, saying her massage would only be sabotaged if she’d been left with the 9yo as well but not if she’s left with a 7yo, saying she’s teaching her ds that “his worth is below women” by being cross she didn’t get her massage. Talk about inane drivel. You’ve completely projected a slurry of bollocks onto a very simple situation and made out she’s ruining her ds’s future relationships and teaching her dd to be an abusive, manipulative bitch. You sound both inane and insane.

The thing I’m claiming you don’t know is your claim that the wife has given the OP the silent treatment in the future in a time that hasn’t happened yet in order to sabotage their days off that you don’t even know that they have. You don’t know that. Are you a time traveller? You “know” this but you don’t even give the OP credit for knowing that when one parent is having a massage (that he has already agreed to hang around in the mall for an extra 20 minutes to facilitate) then he shouldn’t fuck off and leave a 7yo with her. Your psychic powers are obviously better than his. Not that you need to be psychic to know when a woman wants a massage then they don’t mean “I’d really love a 10 minute shoulder massage, but I don’t want to relax or be able to put my head down in the chair properly because I want to simultaneously supervise a bored 7yo in a busy shopping centre”.