To not wait with my wife for her message?

[Cnthnfne]

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

They were on a shopping trip! If the OP said “oh I’m just taking 15 mins to watch the end of this football match on tv” I suspect the consensus would not have been “ok let me take the kids for wander round the shops while you enjoy yourself” -more likely ‘no chance. Cmon let’s go home’

Spoiler alert - you never will. I hope all these vile, poisonous women who will happily overlook a woman’s abusive behaviour and excuse it as “stressed, tired, hormonal, a mothers life being a death by a thousand papercuts” (which is an AWFUL thing to say about your kids no matter how stressful they are) do not have sons or decent husbands because after the victim blaming I have seen on this thread I honestly don’t know how they can look them in the eye. It disgusts me to the core that there is such an inequality of protection from abuse towards men as there is for women. I’m hoping it’s just some of the cranks of MN and in real life people aren’t this dense and spiteful towards good men. Abuse is something I cannot tolerate from any human regardless of sex. I hope these women who think they are “strong, emotionally balanced and self righteous women” who will break down a good-hearted man for no reason other than the fact he has a penis will realise how weak and insignificant they really are. Rant over.

It is a brave man that asks on MN if he IBU.

So what a pleasant surprise that on this thread, the majority of posters (well, 3/4 - which is a great improvement over some other threads) have actually read the posts, and given opinions on the situation rather than just declared he is wrong just because he is a man.

If my OH (male) goes into a sulk over something small I'm bright enough to realise its usually the result of something else. I figure out what and then decide if I think the sulk is justified or not. I'm pretty sure if OP digs deep he'll realise why his wife is so annoyed. Male/female is irrelevant. We've had a snapshot of the story from one perspective so it's impossible to judge who's being unreasonable. What happened during the rest of the shopping trip? What happened in the days/weeks leading up to the shopping trip?

Tell her to find a massage place, make an appointment and go.

Far more relaxing than in a shopping mall both kids...

My 80yr old mum did this last week, rang up, got an appointment for later that day and went.. no stress, no hassle

Exactly! If my DH suggested this I would say he can book a relaxing one another time. I also cba with sulking

Think your wife is probably overreacting bc she feels unwell. I get very snippy ( usually with myself as I live alone!) when I’m unwell.
Suggest she takes herself to a proper massage place or for a facial /nails while you look after both kids.

The fact that she wanted a massage to me suggests she was desperate for a brief break from the kids, and by leaving one with her you messed up the opportunity.

But she has no right to keep sulking and ruin the day, unless there is something more going on here. Sounds like you need a serious conversation about communication and the state of your marriage.

I'd love to hear the DWs side to this story... she sounds completely fed up of not having 5 minutes to herself.

Not great that she's switched off and gone into grumpy mode but who can blame her when her DH can't see that he needed to take both children with him.

And whilst a short massage in a shopping mall may not be the most ideal place to get a massage, if that's all that's on offer and is all that DW can afford, let the woman have it. In peace. Without kids hanging off her!

Organising? If saying no I don't think it is a good idea, you take her, is organising no wonder people on here are always moaning about having to organise things and life admin. To most people that's just a simple statement.

If she's a funcitoning adult why does she need a man to tell her what to do. If she wants to go and have a massage I'm sure she's capable of working out how to do it.

Your mother has the right idea.

Maybe the wife didn't open her mouth to ask the husband to take the 7 year old with him so she could play the victim and make everyone miserable with her sulking.

Seems so odd that she was capable of telling him she wanted to have a massage but was suddenly struck dumb about not wanting to have the child left with her.

She shouldn't have to though.

It should be obvious that the best thing is to take both the kids irrespective of what they want.

Tbh if my husband had left me with one of the kids I think I would have been inwardly rolling my eyes & thinking "what is the fucking point?".

Obviously the sulking, being in a mood for days is wrong but I can see why she just gave up.

You shouldn't have given DD the choice. No one but a fool would fail to predict a child would get bored in a queue, so you and DW are both as daft as each for not seeing that one coming. Not sure why DW left the queue when she could have just phoned and asked you to fetch DD. Poor parenting decision on both your parts, over dramatic sulking on your wife's part, and now a martyred humbling of yourself from you. You all make me feel tired.

I fully sympathise with you, OP. To quote Proverbs 21:19 from the Bible, better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

Why are you on Mumsnet instead of talking to her? It seems like you're just trying to garner sympathy and prove that other women think you sound like a great husband. We only have your side of this (rather petty) incident to go on. Just talk to her.

She shouldn't have to? Communication between a couple about their child? Yes totally unreasonable to put such a huge burden on her.

Honestly she wanted a massage, OP doesn't seem to have objected, OP offers to take both kids off, one doesn't want to go and mother doesn't just say you need to take her. She doesn't seem very hard done by but obviously likes a sulk which is pretty abusive. I wonder how her children felt on that miserable silent ride home.

I think people are missing the point that she wasn't complaining about the child being left with her, she was complaining because OP didn't wait with her and was furious about that. Controlling? The horror of your partner not standing in a queue with you and daring to leave you in the queue while he looks round some shops.

It sounds like it may not work when she's in a huff giving OP the silent treatment. 🫣

Where does it say she is in a long term huff? I've read all the OPs posts and nowhere does it claim this. Hopefully by now he has booked a proper massage for her (since they have a few days off) and peace has been restored.

I think people are missing the point that she wasn't complaining about the child being left with her, she was complaining because OP didn't wait with her and was furious about that. Controlling? The horror of your partner not standing in a queue with you and daring to leave you in the queue while he looks round some shops.

Actually yes, reading back it seems the whole "she was annoyed because you left one child with her" angle is completely speculative as it's not even what the wife complained about after the fact. It makes more sense than what she did complain about, which is batshit and of course no one should have had to wait with her. But it's not what she said before, during or after the shopping trip.

OP offers to take both kids off,

I missed that bit.

she wasn't complaining about the child being left with her, she was complaining because OP didn't wait with her and was furious about that.

I didn't realise that either.

I thought she was annoyed because the daughter got bored & was complaining which obviously wouldn't have happened if Op had taken both kids.

Well, and will it work to have a thread of other women on Mumsnet telling her husband how awful she is? I am happy to be controversial and say I don't think this site should be used as a resource for disgruntled husbands to moan about their wives, especially over such a petty incident. I'd be bloody appalled and utterly turned off forever if my husband posted on Mumsnet about me!

Yes I think it has generally been overlooked, this was from the OP When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her.

I said furious as I had remembered that rather than raging which was what the OP said but I think the general message is the same.

Book her a massage in a quiet spa and say you'll have the kids for the day. Interesting you run to mumsnet after a marital squabble.

OP said she will probably not talk to him for the rest of their days off, which isn't a definite, but sounds like she may have form for it.
I wouldn't say he should book anything for her after her reaction and treatment of him, I certainly wouldn't be treating DP for raging at me and giving me the silent treatment. Hopefully there is some peace now, though.