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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend nearly split up with me and I’m now really scared

122 replies

HannahBanana1997 · 01/04/2024 18:47

Go easy on me, I’ve been going through a hard time mentally. I’ve just started seeing a therapist.
Sometimes I feel I have a rational brain, and then a non-rational brain. My rational brain is understanding and loving. My non-rational brain always scans for problems, can’t relax and makes things feel unnatural.

It’s been an issue for a while and my boyfriend agreed that I need a course of therapy to help me with my hypervigilance and my inability to relax.
We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship, but sometimes my non-rational brain can’t accept this. I’m unable to accept fault and am looking for other reasons. He hates this.
He also hates being compared, and I always do it. For example I got upset he didn’t text me when out with friends, because he used to. He says it’s completely different scenarios.

Yesterday everything came to blows. I compared him to the old him, and I said that it’s possible that it takes two to tango. That I can’t possibly be causing the issues in my relationship.

He got up and said “I can’t do this anymore”. He said I had successfully pushed him away and started packing his bag.

I begged him to talk to me, and he said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I keep comparing him and also not dealing with the issues that I’m causing, and not accepting fault - two things he hates.

I explained it, that when I’m feeling rational I completely understand this. I explained that when I get into these weird moods, I can’t seem to understand anything.
He said he’s finding it hard to deal with my highs and lows.

He told me he wants nothing more than to be with me. I told him I promise I understand everything he’s saying, and I’ll work on myself and get help. He said as long as I’m not lying to him, he wants to be with me.
He thought I was that person, but I promised I’m not, so he doesn’t want to split up anymore.

I can’t help but feel devastated and upset and lost though. How do I fix this?

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahBanana1997 · 01/04/2024 18:48

Sorry I feel I explained that so badly! For reference I have been diagnosed with PTSD too

OP posts:
CucumberBagel · 01/04/2024 18:49

BPD.

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 01/04/2024 18:50

It sounds to me like you're perhaps not in the right place to be in a relationship at the moment.

How long have you been together?

Some time apart might be sensible. I think you need to spend some time learning to love yourself again and accepting yourself. The therapy will help.

wizzywig · 01/04/2024 18:51

Will you find that you can't be genuine or true to yourself if you carry on in a relationship with him? If you need to subdue your natural reactions so that he stays with you, he isn't the right one for you.
Work on yourself by continuing with the therapist. Your partner may have great boundaries if he is saying that he cannot handle you.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/04/2024 18:51

I think that you focus and energy needs to go on therapy and not a relationship right now.

Original poster
HannahBanana1997 · 01/04/2024 18:53

I just feel so sad that I manage to ruin things so badly without even meaning to. I had one therapy session and I’m just so exhausted at the thought of it

OP posts:
Wednesdayonline · 01/04/2024 18:54

It's difficult to really know the situation from just your account. Do you ever accept blame, or is it that you can never say you've done wrong? Because he could in fact be doing things wrong too, or perhaps he needs to work on things as well, but it's just being put done solely to you causing issues. For example why doesn't he message you when he's out? Why did he used to but not anymore? Have you both spoken and asked him to message you and explained why you would like that? If you are simply comparing him to how he used to act (eg more caring or attentive) is that really that bad? I don't think anyone can advise you based on what you have said, because there could be a lot more to it. I would chat with your therapist as soon as possible.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2024 18:54

The last thing you need in your life is a dysfunctional relationship. End it with him and work on yourself.

Badgerandfox227 · 01/04/2024 18:54

Have a look at Relationship OCD, and ask your therapist whether it may be this.

Youre on the right track with therapy. Just be kind to yourself xx

pootlin · 01/04/2024 18:55

I don’t think I could live like this.

Let him go free and seek help from your GP.

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 01/04/2024 18:55

HannahBanana1997 · 01/04/2024 18:53

I just feel so sad that I manage to ruin things so badly without even meaning to. I had one therapy session and I’m just so exhausted at the thought of it

Then focus on YOU at the moment.

I can 100% see why he has had enough - you can't really expect someone to put up with that, so it's really important that you focus on yourself and learn to be happy just being you. You won't be happy in a relationship until you can be happy being yourself.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/04/2024 18:55

Think you need to focus on yourself. How long you been together?

safetyfreak · 01/04/2024 18:56

Hmm, could it be you are not feeling secure because your boyfriend has changed?

I feel its common for men to label women as 'crazy' when really, there usually reasons someone gets upset.

XenoBitch · 01/04/2024 18:57

It sounds like you really need to work on yourself and your issues right now, rather than be in a relationship.

GreyBlackLove · 01/04/2024 18:57

It's hard to decipher what's happening/the root cause here but it doesn't sound like you're in the right place for this relationship. As an outsider I'd suggest you split and take some time to work on yourself with a therapist. Give yourself the space and patience you need.

Zoreos · 01/04/2024 18:58

Gently OP, I’d just like to mirror other posters. It’s extremely difficult being with someone who has extensive mental health problems and you yourself have admitted that your “non rational brain” is causing problems and you’re not only not addressing them but denying them altogether. That is effectively gaslighting him and it’s good for his own sake that he has the boundaries and the honesty to be upfront that he can’t cope with it. Which is very mature of him but you need to take your responsibility for the problems you’re causing and work on them so they’re not affecting his mental health negatively. It’s very tiresome and soul destroying being with someone who constantly questions things, irrationally causes issues and buries their head in the sand about it. I couldn’t be with someone who is like that either in all fairness. Please stay engaged with your therapist, it’s important to be completely and 100% honest with them about all of the bad stuff so they can help you find strategies that work. Good luck.

KreedKafer · 01/04/2024 18:58

You’re not in any state to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment.

StormingNorman · 01/04/2024 19:01

PTSD is so pernicious. It can take a while to separate who you are from who the PTSD makes you. The responses become so ingrained.

You need the space and headroom to react freely to the therapy sessions and what they bring up.
Your OH needs to be strong enough give you that emotional space and not take anything personally.

I think a conversation about how your therapy will affect the both of you could lay the groundwork for more understanding.

SquirrelSoShiny · 01/04/2024 19:02

I read this and immediately thought borderline. However in my experience BPD is drawn to NPD like a moth to a flame. Of course he's perfect ... because he's a narcissist. Of course you're not allowed to talk about the old him ... because he was lovebombing you back then and how dare you expect him to keep being who he pretended to be! He will of course immediately punish you because it makes him feel better being in control again. How dare you set boundaries, HE gets to set the boundaries for you, not you!

I'm exaggerating of course. But I suggest you apply your rational mind and give a more realistic assessment of where the fault lies. It will NOT be all your fault. Do the therapy. Do it for you. Start healing.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 01/04/2024 19:02

Please let him go. It’s unfair and selfish. And it is no good for you either. You need to work on yourself. What you are doing is hurting both of you

AlohaOptima · 01/04/2024 19:02

My BF convinced me I have BPD, I had therapy with the senior psychiatrist and guess what, I don’t have BPD, I had a gaslighting abusive BF who convinced me I was crazy.

wether the problem is you or the problem is him OP I would give you the advice to leave the relationship and work with your therapist and look for a new relationship when you are in a better place.

Sapphire387 · 01/04/2024 19:03

I think it's very unlikely this is entirely 'your fault'. He sounds kind of odd to me, from what you describe. A bit gaslighty. I agree with the others, would be better to take a step back and focus on yourself. But it's very convenient for him to suggest all the issues come from you while he's the perfect partner.

Ponderingwindow · 01/04/2024 19:04

You may or may not have unhealthy relationship dynamics coming from your side. We can’t really know. To be honest, based on what you say about some of your boyfriend’s comments, I have concerns that he may have you convinced you are the villain when the issues are more mutual. As someone reading a tiny snippet on the internet though, I can’t really make that call.

my advice would be to ditch the boyfriend and focus on working with your therapist to learn healthy relationship techniques, but more importantly, to love yourself.

when you do get into a relationship, that person should love you for who you are. That doesn’t mean mistreating them, but something about your perfectly, imperfect being should work for them. If it doesn’t, they aren’t the right person for you.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/04/2024 19:04

I remember your last thread OP, as people told you at that time you are not in the right place at the moment to be in a relationship with anyone. You need time, space and to focus only on yourself, it is not fair to you or to your partner to continue as you are.

UncomfortablyBig882 · 01/04/2024 19:04

Hard to tell what's really going on and if your boyfriend is doing anything to make you doubt things but going by your OP alone...YABU. It doesn't matter which part of your brain does what. You alone have responsibility for your actions.

No one should be someone's emotional punchbag. Your PTSD is irrelevant. That's your problem, not his.

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