My boyfriend nearly split up with me and I’m now really scared

[HannahBanana1997]

Go easy on me, I’ve been going through a hard time mentally. I’ve just started seeing a therapist.
Sometimes I feel I have a rational brain, and then a non-rational brain. My rational brain is understanding and loving. My non-rational brain always scans for problems, can’t relax and makes things feel unnatural.

It’s been an issue for a while and my boyfriend agreed that I need a course of therapy to help me with my hypervigilance and my inability to relax.
We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship, but sometimes my non-rational brain can’t accept this. I’m unable to accept fault and am looking for other reasons. He hates this.
He also hates being compared, and I always do it. For example I got upset he didn’t text me when out with friends, because he used to. He says it’s completely different scenarios.

Yesterday everything came to blows. I compared him to the old him, and I said that it’s possible that it takes two to tango. That I can’t possibly be causing the issues in my relationship.

He got up and said “I can’t do this anymore”. He said I had successfully pushed him away and started packing his bag.

I begged him to talk to me, and he said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I keep comparing him and also not dealing with the issues that I’m causing, and not accepting fault - two things he hates.

I explained it, that when I’m feeling rational I completely understand this. I explained that when I get into these weird moods, I can’t seem to understand anything.
He said he’s finding it hard to deal with my highs and lows.

He told me he wants nothing more than to be with me. I told him I promise I understand everything he’s saying, and I’ll work on myself and get help. He said as long as I’m not lying to him, he wants to be with me.
He thought I was that person, but I promised I’m not, so he doesn’t want to split up anymore.

I can’t help but feel devastated and upset and lost though. How do I fix this?

So, he was away for the weekend, so text you. Recently, he was out for 5 hours, and didn't. He also now lives with you, and that will have a bearing on things. What did you want him to text? Why should he be regularly texting you, especially now you live together? Personally, I would have not worried, and left him to enjoy his time out with his mates. You sound a little needy.

Last year, when he went to a stag do for the weekend, he was messaging me saying he missed me etc.

The other day he went to the pub with his mates for 5 hours and he didn’t text me once.

It's you.

Im sorry but if this is your big example of his crimes against humanity...it's you.

He didnt text you in a 5 hour period while catching up with a friend 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
You knew whete he was and what he was doing... i think this is oppressive and controlling.

From a kind place: this relationship cant be healthy.
You should break up and get therapy.

Yep... and the whole rational and non-rational mind thing screams out to me the DBT thing of emotional mind, reasonable mind, and wise mind.

OP - I hope your therapist can help you find your wise mind.

Seven years? Fuck.

Yes, definitely — eupd or bpd often feels like having the two opposites and no in between.

DBT could really help, OP. It can be really hard to get it: you might need to be persistent in asking the GP/mental health team, but it's worth it.

You can get workbooks and find online dbt to try in the meantime (Dr Fox on YouTube is one), perhaps begin gently with the mindfulness exercises.

Proper dbt involves group therapy alongside one to one support, so is much more like a course and a lot of work, but hopefully helpful.

So, he was away for the weekend, so text you. Recently, he was out for 5 hours, and didn't. He also now lives with you, and that will have a bearing on things.

Indeed.

Relationships change with time & circumstances.

So a year on & living together he might go away for a weekend & not text in that time.

Of course it's possible that he's also gaslighting Op as well.

Imo it shouldn't be this difficult.

Maybe you aren't the problem...

Yes get help with your PTSD.

However, if you sense something has changed in your relationship, maybe it has! If you're comparing him to when you began dating and he is completely different.. then he has changed and not the person you fell for? Is this a possibility?

I agree with PPs you shouldn't be in a relationship. You are vulnerable and suggestible, and not in a good place to assess how much of the issues really are you, and how much (if at all) you may be being manipulated by a partner who wants you to believe you're in the wrong iyswim? You may well be behaving in a challenging way, but there's something about the way your partner is using breaking up and making up to get you accept all responsibility and 'change' that doesn't sit right with me. As a rule of thumb, if you don't know how much you're to blame and need to rely on the subjective input of your partner to tell you, a relationship is not a good idea for you.

Honestly, I think you need to break up with him and focus on yourself right now.

He does sound really odd-to be honest-I'm getting gaslighting, abusive vibes from him. I struggle to believe that all the issues in your relationship are caused by you and you alone-but there are people who will happily manipulate the situation to make it seem so, especially if you're vulnerable.

He just sounds the type to do that and to use your MH against you to make you feel "crazy."

Ditch and focus on therapy and yourself.

OP I say this with kindness- at this stage it doesn't even matter who's to blame, this is so damaging to your already fragile mental health. You need to be strong, walk away and focus on healing yourself before getting involved with anyone else.

No, it sounds like she has an array of issues that she’s not addressed for a significant amount of time until one therapy session recently. Her tone doesn’t point to her being keen in continuing them. By the looks of it she tries to dissociate responsibility claiming her needy, mood-shifting behaviour is a different “brain” to her “normal brain” which is her normal “self”. If she thinks one therapy session is tiring, imagine how he must feel having to live with it all. Saying he can’t cope with her not taking responsibility for her causing arguments is not gaslighting her. She says he takes responsibility for his but can’t deal with the fact that she won’t. Stop victim blaming the boyfriend who’s having to deal with all of this dysfunction because it won’t help the OP in the slightest. It sounds to me as if the OP expects for him to just put up with her behaviour because she has PTSD and by making excuses. Lots of people have already said countless times that she should be alone and work on herself. I highly suspect this is the same poster as the one who had a go at her OH for not looking happy in the photos she took of him whilst trying to eat dinner and accusing him of being unhappy whilst zoning out watch tv after making him tell her he loves her a million times a day and still accusing him of lying.

Forget about right or wrong and blame and fault.
At the moment, you are not well enough to be in a relationship. Focus on getting better, counselling, maybe meds and give it a year.

Sorry OP, but I agree with PP that you simply aren't well enough to engage in any relationship.

Everything is hyper exaggerated for you. Totally out of proportion. Its like you are only speaking French when everyone else is only speaking Hindu.

I think you need to let him go, heal, and take time out to reassess and regroup.

Have you done any word around the possibility of you have an insecure (anxious in this case) attachment?

I think he might be part of the problem. Letting you take all the responsibility for the relationship not going brilliantly is not on. I feel he's taking advantage of the difficulties you have. Get some really good therapy. It will help you see clearly, see what he is doing too.

Are you qualified to suggest this? With the only background of this information? Are you also a clinical psychologist?

Why have you not addressed the same concern with people saying OP's BF as having some sort of narcissism (which is all the rage on MN).

I think you need to end it and focus on your mental health with your therapist.

if He’s out with friends he shouldn’t need to text you but he doesn’t sound particularly supportive of your issues either

I think the people jumping on the partner being the problem bandwagon need to read the op's other threads!

OP it feels good to have others validate you. But you clearly have serious issues that won't go away without proper therapy. your relationship won't work out because you are not in the right head space and it is already pretty toxic. sadly it will only get worse. and you can choose to break up now or let's things get worse and have a traumatic break up which will definitely not help your mental health not to mention its extremely unfair to your partner.

if I was your partner's friend or family I would advise him to run far and run fast.

Ever been diagnosed with BPD symptoms you are describing fits exactly that

OP I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling, but as just about every other poster has said, I really think you need to be on your own right now. It sounds like it's hard for you to cope with what's going on in your own head at the moment, let alone trying to cope with someone else's whims and moods

You say that you have been to therapy once, but give the impression that you didn't think it helped. I used to suffer from really bad depression, and was lucky enough to have private health care which paid for me to see a psychologist. The first time I went, I actually came away thinking it was a waste of time, and that the woman didn't know what she was talking about. However, when I got home, to my surprise, I found myself sobbing my heart out while I told my DH what we had talked about while I was there. I don't know whether it was the relief of knowing that I was finally going to get help, or what, and the fact that it upset me, made me question whether going back was a good idea, but my DH persuaded me to continue with it, and to my relief, as time went by, the woman I saw rather than not knowing what she was talking about, ended up helping me dramatically.

So my advice would be, ask your boyfriend to move out, tell him that much as you love him, you need to take time to concentrate on getting yourself right, and you've realised that you can't do that while you're trying to keep a relationship going. Then set up some more appointments with your therapist, and see how things go from there.

However, once he has gone, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't start calling him, or going to see him, just because you miss having him around, but instead, cut him out of your life completely, as if you continue to keep seeing him, I fear that it will delay and undermine the therapy. Then, if the relationship was ever meant to be, I have every confidence that once you have given your complete attention to getting well again, it will happen, on the other hand, it may just be that you will see, given time, that he was never the right man for you, and be able to move on with your life, stronger and wiser. So Do it NOW OP, and do it for YOU. I wish you well.

You sound a bit clingy and needy OP...not good things to be in any relationship as it pushes people away.

Let him go- a relationship shouldn't be hard work for either of you.

Haven't seen other threads, but the clinginess doesn't seem healthy.

I think you should concentrate on yourself and focus on your therapy
Sometimes couples bring out the worst in each other, but you expect too much of him at the moment
Let him go

Your PTSD and the effects it has on your rationality is not your fault, but at the same time it's not your boyfriend's fault and he's not obligated to put up with it.