My boyfriend nearly split up with me and I’m now really scared

[HannahBanana1997]

Go easy on me, I’ve been going through a hard time mentally. I’ve just started seeing a therapist.
Sometimes I feel I have a rational brain, and then a non-rational brain. My rational brain is understanding and loving. My non-rational brain always scans for problems, can’t relax and makes things feel unnatural.

It’s been an issue for a while and my boyfriend agreed that I need a course of therapy to help me with my hypervigilance and my inability to relax.
We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship, but sometimes my non-rational brain can’t accept this. I’m unable to accept fault and am looking for other reasons. He hates this.
He also hates being compared, and I always do it. For example I got upset he didn’t text me when out with friends, because he used to. He says it’s completely different scenarios.

Yesterday everything came to blows. I compared him to the old him, and I said that it’s possible that it takes two to tango. That I can’t possibly be causing the issues in my relationship.

He got up and said “I can’t do this anymore”. He said I had successfully pushed him away and started packing his bag.

I begged him to talk to me, and he said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I keep comparing him and also not dealing with the issues that I’m causing, and not accepting fault - two things he hates.

I explained it, that when I’m feeling rational I completely understand this. I explained that when I get into these weird moods, I can’t seem to understand anything.
He said he’s finding it hard to deal with my highs and lows.

He told me he wants nothing more than to be with me. I told him I promise I understand everything he’s saying, and I’ll work on myself and get help. He said as long as I’m not lying to him, he wants to be with me.
He thought I was that person, but I promised I’m not, so he doesn’t want to split up anymore.

I can’t help but feel devastated and upset and lost though. How do I fix this?

If the 'problems' are like the example given - not texting her for 5 hours while he's with friends - then he'd be perfectly right to do B and not be changing his behaviour to indulge her unfounded insecurities. As many have said, this doesn't sound like a relationship issue, more that her issues need working on outside of having this relationship. She needs to separate and get herself healthy enough to have a relationship. While she's in it, we'll never know if he has the capacity to gaslight or whether he's at fault or not and it's irrelevant to the bigger picture, which is that it's making her spiral and it's bad for them both. He may be making it worse, but he certainly can't fix her nor change his behaviour to make her better. He needs to get away and she needs to be single and stick to the therapy.

READ THE UPDATE ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED BEFORE BASHING THE BF!

I get that some of you are trying to be supportive of the OP but by trying to turn this around on the BF, you actually may be doing OP more harm than good.

As with every single post on here, we can only go by what the poster says but some of you seem intent on ignoring what the OP has actually said and* *making up your own narrative instead.

Well it would absolutely be the man's fault not the woman

I think this relationship is causing you to feel anxious and nervous, with everything you’ve got going on it might be a good idea to take a break. I know you want to be with him but I think you need to focus on you and making sure you’re in a good place before trying to think of someone else’s feelings.

I also think you need to think about why you feel the need for your BF to text you when he is out with his friends.
He’s out having fun. I very rarely text my DH when I’m out with my friends as I’m concentrating on them.
Are you hyper needy?

You can't compare being out for 5 hours and being away for a weekend. Yes in the 2nd situation I'd expect a text but not in the first situation, they aren't comparable. If that's an example of how he's changed then I suspect you have unrealistic expectations and you are going to end up very disappointed which won't help your mood.

I can see signs from dealing with someone with bpd about the need for a certain intensity that is not realistic to be able to live up to, I will never have the mental strength myself to cope with the demands and I'm no good at putting boundaries in place, nothing I ever do is enough. End this relationship and work on yourself then the 2 of you might have a chance but as you are you are a ticking time bomb and it will end badly.

Sorry it's not what you want to hear OP but going off this update alone, I feel like you are the problem in this relationship, not your BF. I don't know of any bloke (my own DP included) who would text his wife of gf if he was just going to the pub for a few hours.

If this situation was reversed and a woman was posting that her DH / DP was annoyed with her because she hadn't text him whilst she'd been out with friends, commentors would be outraged and saying to "LTB" because he's controlling.

Sorry, mental health issues or not, this isn't an acceptable way to behave in a relationship.

I can't untangle this post because it's impossible for us to know whether you really are causing the problems, or your boyfriend is saying you are and gaslighting you.

You are clearly struggling with mental health. Self-refer to your local NHS talking therapy and see your GP for starters.

OP I haven't read any of your previous posts, but as many have suggested, EUPD, I also saw one comment that said you already have this diagnosis alongside the PTSD too. Is this correct?

You feeling like he’s different from the ‘old’ him would certainly suggest that his true colours are now showing and you’re picking up on it

Or maybe he's changed because he's tired of never being good enough for a clingy, needy, insecure girlfriend who admits she has issues but doesn't seem willing to work on them.

He’s allowed to leave if he can’t cope with the relationship.
I would.

Update - I’ve broken up with him and I’m absolutely heartbroken

I woke up feeling really low and down, I said I feel really overwhelmed and pressured to get better. I said I was scared I won’t get better and I’ll just continue to cause all the issues and he’ll resent me.

He stroked my hair and said he doesn’t ask any more of me than to try. To keep doing the things I’m doing. He said he’ll be there for me no matter how long it takes.

I cried and said I really need to focus on myself and getting better, that I need to move out for a while and work on myself. At first he panicked and said he really didn’t want this, but I think he understood.

I’m honestly so so upset right now

Well done OP. hopefully you can now focus on your path to recovery.
it will be tough. but it will get easier. get your next therapy session booked in, go for a walk, meet up with a friend. don't stay at home by yourself.

You’ve done the right thing. For both of you.

Maybe, I never said otherwise. The point is, nobody on here really knows the state of OP’s relationship, and maybe even she doesn’t notice things that can be pinpointed. I get that she has issues that impact on the relationship, but it’s also likely that he is in some way, and they shouldn’t be together either way.

She’s in therapy so that to me says she is willing to work on her issues.

Good for you it may be upsetting but you need to sort yourself out first
I heard a saying once about not wanting a relationship to complete you it will only work if you enter into it complete

You've been very brave and have totally done right by both of you.

Take a year out of any relationships to get therapy and concentrate on your recovery.

Well done and best of luck

You have made a great step in putting yourself at your centre.

you are putting your future wellness and the health of whatever future relationship you and him could have in the future (whatever form that takes) at the top of your priority.

one day you will look back on that day from a much better and positive life and be proud of the massively brave decision you managed to make.

I know it hurts but that means what you had matters. It’s ok to feel like this just now but just know this is a natural process because it mattered and with time things will ease jut don’t let it overwhelm you.

Well done OP! You really have done the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right at this minute. So, in order to get past your feelings of sadness, you now need to be really proactive, get on and book your next appointment for therapy, and if I might suggest it, perhaps also if you don't already, start an exercise program of some sort. Even if it's only going for a daily walk in the fresh air. When I was suffering badly from depression, I would sometimes come home from work feeling so bad that if I'd let myself, I could have just laid down and sobbed for hours, but instead of doing this, I would put my coat back on, and take a walk around the village where I lived. I walked fast as if I had someplace to be, and every single time when I got home, I felt MUCH better. This obviously helps in various ways, both mentally, and physically, so it may be something for you to focus on, to take up some of the time that you would normally have spent with your boyfriend, and at the same time you will know that it's doing you good. Do please keep coming back and telling us how you're coping, as giving you some sort of accountability, reporting back to us, will hopefully keep you motivated. I won't pretend that it's going to be easy, but it will help you feel better if you put in the work.

If someone posted on here that her boyfriend got annoyed with her for going five hours without texting her, and that he got angry when she brought him breakfast in bed, there's not a chance in hell MN would say, "Are you sure you're not gaslighting him? This isn't all his fault, you're being manipulative and controlling." She'd be told he was abusive and she needed to leave.

Absolutely. If there’s gaslighting going on, here, I think it’s most likely from mumsnetters (which is pretty appalling given the OP’s mental health struggles).

I bet he panicked. Well done.