My boyfriend nearly split up with me and I’m now really scared

[HannahBanana1997]

Go easy on me, I’ve been going through a hard time mentally. I’ve just started seeing a therapist.
Sometimes I feel I have a rational brain, and then a non-rational brain. My rational brain is understanding and loving. My non-rational brain always scans for problems, can’t relax and makes things feel unnatural.

It’s been an issue for a while and my boyfriend agreed that I need a course of therapy to help me with my hypervigilance and my inability to relax.
We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship, but sometimes my non-rational brain can’t accept this. I’m unable to accept fault and am looking for other reasons. He hates this.
He also hates being compared, and I always do it. For example I got upset he didn’t text me when out with friends, because he used to. He says it’s completely different scenarios.

Yesterday everything came to blows. I compared him to the old him, and I said that it’s possible that it takes two to tango. That I can’t possibly be causing the issues in my relationship.

He got up and said “I can’t do this anymore”. He said I had successfully pushed him away and started packing his bag.

I begged him to talk to me, and he said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I keep comparing him and also not dealing with the issues that I’m causing, and not accepting fault - two things he hates.

I explained it, that when I’m feeling rational I completely understand this. I explained that when I get into these weird moods, I can’t seem to understand anything.
He said he’s finding it hard to deal with my highs and lows.

He told me he wants nothing more than to be with me. I told him I promise I understand everything he’s saying, and I’ll work on myself and get help. He said as long as I’m not lying to him, he wants to be with me.
He thought I was that person, but I promised I’m not, so he doesn’t want to split up anymore.

I can’t help but feel devastated and upset and lost though. How do I fix this?

I’m a little bit unsure about this post.

There could well be quite a lot of gaslighting and emotional abuse going on from the boyfriend’s side.

I wonder how you’d feel if you were apart from him. I think it’s worth giving it a go.

Well we can't actually tell whether you're the problem or he is or both of you. You could be feeling like the problem because he's telling you that you are. If he is behaving differently and that makes you insecure it's ok to discuss that.

Do you mean you can't accept that you contribute to problems or he wants you to accept it's 100% you? It's highly unlikely to be all you.

At first reading, it sounds like your boyfriend is gaslighting you. He’s messing with your head, laying blame at your door for issues in your relationship.
Your brain is an organ. There is no ‘rational / irrational’ brain. There are feelings, which are influenced massively by outside influences such as other people’s suggestions. Your bf is suggesting theres something wrong with you. I suggest you bin him off and work on your self esteem.

OP, you sound like me 20 years ago....

It's impossible to have a happy relationship when you have so much baggage to deal with. Take some time away for guys and spend time focusing on your mental health and wellbeing. I promise it will never be time wasted. Once you are in a stronger place mentally, you'll find it much easier to have a successful relationship. (Celebrating my 18th wedding anniversary next week.)

Hang on OP, so you are to blame for EVERYTHING that is wrong in your relationship? Everything? And even though your boyfriend has changed, you need to change yourself to be okay with this?

OP, no one person is entirely faultless in a relationship and we all have imperfections but it sounds like you are taking everything on in terms of blame. I think you should go to therapy but work on your self esteem and learn that not everything is your fault.

I feel like I’m going mad.

Last year, when he went to a stag do for the weekend, he was messaging me saying he missed me etc.
The other day he went to the pub with his mates for 5 hours and he didn’t text me once.

He says it’s different because he “guarantees he didn’t text me for 5 hours at a time at the stag do”, and says it’s also different because we live together now

He also does acknowledge his faults in an argument but he also says I need to sort out all my issues before we can decipher what he is also contributing haha

I think you need to forget about having a relationship just now and focus on yourself. Get yourself stronger and love you , before attempting to love anyone else.

OP you are the same poster who’s boyfriend brought her coffee/breakfast in bed, and you then had a go at him for not bringing you flowers.

You received a lot of good advice on your last thread to the effect that you need to work on your own issues before you can be in a healthy relationship and that remains the case now.

One therapy session is nothing OP. I'm 7 years in and nowhere near done.

To help yourself you need to do the work. That's all I can say.

Oh god is this the same OP? I commented on that one too.

This, am sure the last thread kept trying to guide responses towards, 'he's mean, he's awful, poor you'.

I’d like you to think bigger picture and with an open mind as your post focuses solely on this relationship.
from your post it’s very hard to tell if you are the whole problem or if due to your boyfriend telling you you have these issues you believe you do and are running with it.

do you have these issues in other areas? like work relationships or friendships or interactions when in the rest of the world like waitresses or cashiers etc
If not why not?
if yes then therapy is a wise choice.

i see you have said you have ptsd which has lots of variables in terms of how an individual is affected so I don’t want to automatically assume that because you have this it must mean you are at fault.

either way it sounds like therapy is a good call even though it will be tough.

BUT do this therapy for you and all the genuine insights and help it can provide for your future in life and not just do enough to not lose your boyfriend.

other posters may have a point and you might be better of being on your own and working on yourself but that’s not my place as I don’t know enough but it might be worth your while at least thinking about that question in a calm way.

i say this as someone who has had severe complex issues in the past and has needed extensive therapy over multiple years so I’m not just jumping at you

OP, you've posted multiple threads about your relationship and the advice you've received has been the same each time: break up with your boyfriend while you have the opportunity to do so without too much hurt on either side, concentrate on yourself and really engage with therapy.

You can then consider a relationship in a year or two when you are in a better place.

OP, it’s worth remembering that anyone can leave any relationship at any time, for any reason. That goes for your boyfriend, and for you, too. Whatever the reason, this relationship isn’t working for either of you at the moment.

You recognise that you have mental health issues which you’re going to address through therapy. That’s great. It will take time, energy and work to get better, and it’s hard to maintain even the best relationship through that, let alone one which is already problematic.

The best thing you can do now is to take this time out to focus on yourself and get better. Then, if it’s meant to be, you can pick up again when you’re in the right place. If not, you’ll be in a more appropriate mindset to meet someone else for a healthy relationship.

Yep, and OP is doing exactly the same thing this time! Ridiculous

Last year, when he went to a stag do for the weekend, he was messaging me saying he missed me etc. The other day he went to the pub with his mates for 5 hours and he didn’t text me once

Why does he need to text you?! He's out enjoying himself with friends. Leave him to it. I don't expect my other half to be texting me when he's out, equally when I'm out with friends they're my focus, not him.
It sounds, from some of the other posters here, that you have a lot of issues you need to work through. Maybe focus on that instead of creating multiple threads about the same thing hoping for the outcome you want.

How you describe repeatedly your 'rational' and 'non-rational' brain is interesting, as it suggests to me you're placing an unconscious barrier betwixt you as a person and your brain as an organ.

Why is it so important for you and your boyfriend to apportion blame? And why are you the one being burdened with 100% responsibility for the problems in your relationship (albeit, with the convenient barrier betwixt you as an individual and your 'rational'/'non-rational' omnipotent organ within your cranium).

You've done 1 therapy session, right? The right type of therapy can actually be pretty destabilising, deconstructing the individual prior to reconstruction (excuse my clumsy phraseology). It can put a strain on a solid relationship, never mind one that's already problematic.

I think you needing to work on yourself and carving an identity separate to that of being aligned is clear.

Not entirely sure why he needs to text you while out with friends?

To be fair, he really doesn’t need to text you all the time if you live together, and you’re not in the first flush of romance either so of course the intensity of communication dies down in a long term relationship. I don’t like that several posters have already diagnosed your partner as a narcissist based on one short post from you. On Mumsnet, the minute someone makes a complaint about their partner, they’re automatically diagnosed with ADHD, narcissism, or autism, and it’s unfair to them and you, because it encourages the OP to go down a rabbit hole and retrofit any vague occurrences to one of these (or a mixture of two or more). OP, you have a diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. You know your triggers and you know that you are prone to desiring intense relationships and a lot of attention. This becomes more difficult to sustain in a LTR and can become overwhelming when your partner ‘fails’ to meet your possibly quite unrealistic needs. I think you need to step back and view your relationship from the outside - perhaps with a therapist. Are you making unreasonable demands? Are you getting what you need from your relationship? How often does your partner feel like he can’t cope?

(Sorry - that had paragraphs when I wrote it!)

Made sense @BananaLambo I really don't think it's helpful that mnetters will jump to absolve an op of any wrong doing at all and any response to their behaviours are always only because the other party has adhd, narcissism, sociopathic behaviours or is just a plain old meanie!

This sounds very nebulous. It sounds like he’s manipulating you into thinking that you’re always at fault and is now using that against you every time you disagree on something

I'm going to chip in again.

I have EUPD, google it OP. You sound like me a few years ago. It's a lot of work, it's not easy.

Look up DBT. It's shit but absolutely necessary.

It’s very likely that he contributes to the tensions and issues between you. Yet he refuses to accept any responsibility.

It sounds a toxic relationship and I don’t mean because of you.

Not sure it's you, you take all the blame, but he may be manipulating, and controlling you. Step back.