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Original poster

My boyfriend nearly split up with me and I’m now really scared

122 replies

HannahBanana1997 · 01/04/2024 18:47

Go easy on me, I’ve been going through a hard time mentally. I’ve just started seeing a therapist.
Sometimes I feel I have a rational brain, and then a non-rational brain. My rational brain is understanding and loving. My non-rational brain always scans for problems, can’t relax and makes things feel unnatural.

It’s been an issue for a while and my boyfriend agreed that I need a course of therapy to help me with my hypervigilance and my inability to relax.
We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship, but sometimes my non-rational brain can’t accept this. I’m unable to accept fault and am looking for other reasons. He hates this.
He also hates being compared, and I always do it. For example I got upset he didn’t text me when out with friends, because he used to. He says it’s completely different scenarios.

Yesterday everything came to blows. I compared him to the old him, and I said that it’s possible that it takes two to tango. That I can’t possibly be causing the issues in my relationship.

He got up and said “I can’t do this anymore”. He said I had successfully pushed him away and started packing his bag.

I begged him to talk to me, and he said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I keep comparing him and also not dealing with the issues that I’m causing, and not accepting fault - two things he hates.

I explained it, that when I’m feeling rational I completely understand this. I explained that when I get into these weird moods, I can’t seem to understand anything.
He said he’s finding it hard to deal with my highs and lows.

He told me he wants nothing more than to be with me. I told him I promise I understand everything he’s saying, and I’ll work on myself and get help. He said as long as I’m not lying to him, he wants to be with me.
He thought I was that person, but I promised I’m not, so he doesn’t want to split up anymore.

I can’t help but feel devastated and upset and lost though. How do I fix this?

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 02/04/2024 03:14

You are not going to be able to hold down a relationship whilst you have so many manifestations of your mental health problems. Until you are healed and able to behave rationally in a relationship I think you should be single otherwise you are going to damage yourself further and also hurt someone else..

YoureALizardHarry11 · 02/04/2024 04:51

Without more context, we can’t really give reliable advice as his role in this is unknown. For all we know, your perception could be accurate and he’s making you feel as if the problems are all your fault. It’s common in abusive relationships.

You feeling like he’s different from the ‘old’ him would certainly suggest that his true colours are now showing and you’re picking up on it. Trust your gut. I don’t think you should be in a relationship either way, because either you’re not ready to be in a relationship, or you’re picking up bad vibes from him for a good reason!

KalaMush · 02/04/2024 04:56

OP, it's completely normal for him to go out with his friends for 5 hours and not text you during that time.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 02/04/2024 05:04

I’ve just read that you’ve posted several other threads about similar things although haven’t read them. You need to be single for a while until you get sorted, or at least go to therapy as a couple with your partner to work through these issues it might be more beneficial than just you going, for him to get a better understanding also. It seems exhausting, but that also doesn’t mean he isn’t contributing to it himself.

Fuzziduck · 02/04/2024 06:25

HannahBanana1997 · 01/04/2024 19:43

I feel like I’m going mad.

Last year, when he went to a stag do for the weekend, he was messaging me saying he missed me etc.
The other day he went to the pub with his mates for 5 hours and he didn’t text me once.

He says it’s different because he “guarantees he didn’t text me for 5 hours at a time at the stag do”, and says it’s also different because we live together now

He also does acknowledge his faults in an argument but he also says I need to sort out all my issues before we can decipher what he is also contributing haha

Blimey that sounds exhausting.
You don't sound to be in the right headspace for a relationship.

muddyford · 02/04/2024 06:38

He's had enough. He doesn't have to stay in a relationship which is causing him so much grief, any more than a woman would in the same situation.

totallybonkerswarning · 02/04/2024 06:44

CucumberBagel · 01/04/2024 18:49

BPD.

No signs of suicidal suggestion, self-harm, addiction, eating disorders, black and white thinking, extreme emotions, etc

Also women diagnosed with BPD are getting rediagnosed as autism now. I know 2

TammyJones · 02/04/2024 06:47

safetyfreak · 01/04/2024 18:56

Hmm, could it be you are not feeling secure because your boyfriend has changed?

I feel its common for men to label women as 'crazy' when really, there usually reasons someone gets upset.

THIS

whatonearthisthatabout · 02/04/2024 06:50

Hi OP! I have OCD and I'm similar

StopStartStop · 02/04/2024 06:50

Let him go, sack him, show him the door.

Concentrate on yourself, being kind to yourself, having therapy. Bear in mind that not all therapy is the same, different therapists have different interests and capabilities, so therapy isn't a 'fix-all', it's just part of your journey to self-awareness and inner security. You might see this therapist for a while, have six months off, see another.

Londonrach1 · 02/04/2024 06:58

You need to be free and not in a relationship to sort you out I'm afraid. X

WhisperPeach · 02/04/2024 07:06

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

Autienotnaughtie · 02/04/2024 07:12

It's hard to say who's at fault but the likelihood is there's fault on both sides. He also doesn't sound very supportive. He shouldn't be blaming you all the time, he has to take responsibility too.

This doesn't read like a healthy relationship . You would be better staying g single, working through your issues in counselling and then when you feel you are ready start dating again. With your mh so low it's impossible for you to know if this relationship is good or bad.

Good luck.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 02/04/2024 07:17

sounds liek he is gas lighting....is he perfect?

hangingonfordearlife1 · 02/04/2024 07:17

sounds liek he is gas lighting....is he perfect?

orangegato · 02/04/2024 08:03

Woooow I couldn’t never have someone counting how many times I texted them. I’d tell them to fuck off.

Sounds like you’re on his case and the relationship is a mess. I don’t think you should be in a relationship right now if you’re unpicking everything and driving the poor fella nuts. Be single, people are.

Ramalangadingdong · 02/04/2024 08:19

From your description I feel you may be being gaslighted and controlled. It would help you to leave the relationship and continue with your therapy.

rmc2001 · 02/04/2024 08:26

To me this comes across as gaslighting. He is trying to make you believe that all the problems in the relationship are down to you.
Think about the way he reacts when you bring up something that upsets you. Does he:
A) Comfort you, apologise for upsetting you, try to change his behaviour so he doesn't upset you again.
B) Say that it's something you shouldn't be getting upset about.
From what you've said it sounds like B, which is toxic behaviour.
It's really great that you're seeing a therapist as they may be able to help you see that his behaviour is wrong.
You could try couples counselling, but do you think it's worth staying with him? Does he make you happy?

daisychain01 · 02/04/2024 08:29

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/04/2024 19:06

I’m a little bit unsure about this post.

There could well be quite a lot of gaslighting and emotional abuse going on from the boyfriend’s side.

I wonder how you’d feel if you were apart from him. I think it’s worth giving it a go.

I think likewise.

i don't like the sound of this power imbalance of:

We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship

Great, so the bf thinks he's absolutely blamefree and is happy to lump it all onto you, when he could take the stance that you're clearly suffering with MH conditions and leave the blame game out of it.

I don't think it sounds like your relationship has a future and you need some time on your own, only then move on to a new relationship if you want one, when you've been able to stabilise and heal.

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 08:32

You are being very open, honest and frank with yourself. This is not normal on internet forums.
He will be at fault in someways, no one is perfect.
When I (man) have been in a similar position, the thing I found hardest was I was the only one to adapt. You are going to a therapist, which is great. If you are also willing to do lifestyle changes (exercise, yoga, meditation, whatever works for you) it might make a huge difference and make it a teamwork thing.

There is a MN dogma, that women are great and men are bums, so either you are terrible for breaking this dogma or incorrect in thinking he is not evil. In truth, there is not enough to judge in what you have written.

Fairyliz · 02/04/2024 08:36

Why are you in this relationship? Neither of you seem to be making the other one happy so what is the point?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 02/04/2024 08:36

Why all the cries of 'GASLIGHTING!!!'
We agreed that I am causing the majority of issues in our relationship to be fair, having read the other threads I'd agree (heinous I know...agree with the man🤐)
If someone posted they were getting grief for going out with a friend and not texting partner throughout the 5 hours apart what would be said? If they also posted they had to continously throughout the day validate their partner and insist on their complete total adoration for their partner or be shouted at and deal with tears and rage?

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 02/04/2024 08:45

As what a sweetheart, agreeing that everything is your fault and putting you first, as in first in line to be "fixed", before even thinking about what might be wrong with him.

I'm being sarcastic, obviously.

2under4 · 02/04/2024 08:53

It's hard to say, not being there in the relationship.

I think it's a tricky stance for both of you to have, that any arrangements are automatically your fault (again, without knowing the ins and outs). I have anxiety, which is controlled perfectly with common meds (it might be different without them). My OH does periodically tell me I'm being unreasonable and arguments are my fault, because I'm just feeling "irrationally anxious". The most recent time was when I said I was paying for an electrician to check the safety of our electrics, BECAUSE it's an old house, and we've had a few issues with loose connections, and we've been told it's a good idea by a trusted electrician 🙄So I know it's just prudent and not some irrational nonsense. But on occasion he would have me think I was just mad (I tell him to naff off). Just because you have issues, doesn't mean you're always in the wrong, no questions asked.

That said, neither of you seems happy in this relationship. To echo others, end it and focus on yourself, if you are at least part of the problem (or if he is, for that matter). You'll love again, and it will be a happier love x

HoppingPavlova · 02/04/2024 08:55

Last year, when he went to a stag do for the weekend, he was messaging me saying he missed me etc. The other day he went to the pub with his mates for 5 hours and he didn’t text me once

Why on earth would you expect him to text you in this scenario- 5 hours? How often do you expect a text from him? Being honest if my DH cracked it that I’d been out for 5 hours with my friends and didn’t text him, I’d get rid super quick as that seems bizarre and controlling behaviour. Similarly, if he was out for 5hrs and texted me with no point to it, I’d be ‘wtf’. Of course it’s different if he was going out somewhere and I asked him to pick something up while there or nearby, they had run out and he was texting to see if I wanted a substitute or not, something like that with a point to it I’d be fine with, otherwise I’d think random text is just odd.