My Mother-in-Law and sister’s wedding

[TheGoodDoctorvisits]

I hope men aren’t frowned on. I need a woman’s perspective. I have known my wife for ten years shortly before her father died. We have been married for seven years.
We would not have the life we have without the the kindness and generosity of my MiL.
She paid for our wedding and provided us with a massive deposit.
Her son and daughter-in-law were also given a massive deposit but her family paid for their wedding.
Because of her I have been able to pursue my career, specialising in an area that I otherwise couldn’t have.
MiL is very generous and sociable and spends some time with her daughter-in-law’s family and we were all invited to her DiL’s brother’s wedding.
My parents are more reserved and less secure financially and socially.
I have a happy marriage and my MiL has never interfered. However, both my wife and MiL are outraged that MiL is not invited to my sister’s wedding. They feel that it’s impolite and my wife has pointed out that my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding. They think that it’s basic etiquette.
When I broached the subject with my sister, she laughed in my face.

My MIL wasnt invited to my Brothers wedding, never would have occured to us but every family dynamic is different.
I do think its up to your Sister who she invites though and your MIL doesnt seem to be on her guest list. Sounds like your MIL has been very generous to you but that doenst mean you get to invite her to other peoples weddings

I'd smooth things over with MIL and say yeah, it would have been nice if they invited you but I have no control over their guest list, there's nothing I can do about it. And leave it at that.

On previous generations, it would have been the norm for them to at least get an evening invite. It is your sisters wedding and her choice. If your MIL wants to withdraw financial support, then so be it. How does your wife feel about it all?

Your MIL is your IL not your sister's IL. It is her wedding and she gets to choose who goes. Your MIL and wife are being unreasonable and you too are now being unreasonable too to not accept their decision after you raised it and were told no.

She is not the bride's nor the groom's friend or family and even if she were if they choose not to extend an invitation to her then so be it.

In our family, the MIL would have been invited in this scenario.

I invited my brother's parents-in-law to my wedding. Not because of any particular generosity, but because I consider them family and wouldn't have dreamed of excluding them. Even my brother's SIL, her husband and their children were invited.

However, I realise that most people don't have that kind of relationship with their sibling's in-laws!

I don't think you're going to have any luck either persuading your sister to invite your MIL, or trying to persuade your MIL that she has no right to expect an invitation. Indeed, when traditionally parents paid for the wedding and invited their own friends, she would have a point about deserving an invitation from your parents!

Your best bet at preserving the peace might be to explain to your MIL that you're sister and her fiancé are deciding the guest list. You're sure your parents would want MIL there, but it simply isn't up to them, however much they and you regret it.

Not every wedding is the same, and they don't have to be if they can't be afforded.

We don't know the specific circumstances but it may be that if your sister invited your ILs she would also have to invite the equivalent from other families and hugely increase the guest list.

It is also pretty graceless, IMO, to tot up invitations and hospitality as reciprocal transactions. Invite someone with an open heart - it isn't true generosity if you expect a return.

However, you are stuck in between two expectations and norms and that's not comfortable. I would just talk calmly to your DW and explain that it isn't personal, your DSis is having a smaller wedding and that is the reality of what she can afford and you would hate to think that any member of your family should decline any invitations in the future for fear of not being able to reciprocate?

I'm with your sister on this.

Your sister doesn't know her. Your BIL to be doesn't know her.

Yes your MIL does but I would guess they aren't friends.

It's up to your sister and her fiance who they invite, weddings are expensive and tenuous connections don't tend to make the cut. I wouldn't even know the names of my IL's parents, come to think of it whether they are alive or not.

Your sister's reaction is correct.

Depends how big the guest list is. If it's a small personal wedding then that's understandable and could be explained to MIL. If it's a fairly big wedding with lots of cousins and work colleagues invited then it does seem pretty rude not to invite her.

I don’t know the details of my sister’s wedding other than my daughter is a flower girl. It is a largish wedding and I think that my parents are paying for a chunk of it.

My MiL has not spoken to me about it at all but my wife feels it is an etiquette faux pas and I should be more insistent.

My wife is comparing my sister with her sister in-law’s brother and says I should be embarrassed. If I am honest I had no idea why we were invited to that wedding.

If I spoke with my parents they would want to invite her so I would have an easier life but my sister would be seriously annoyed.

Tricky one

If your sister has regularly socialised with your MIL over the years and enjoyed MIL's hospitality then it would have been nice for MIL to be invited but ultimately it is your sister's decision and not yours

If your sister wants a small wedding then I can see that is not compatible with inviting her brother's MIL. You might then have the groom's sibling's in-laws angling for an invite plus your wife's brother and his family. Where do you draw the line?

No it doesn’t. She doesn’t have a relationship with this woman. Inviting her is batshit.

OP - not really sure what your AIBU is do unable to vote.

So your wife’s mother is expecting to be invited to your sibling’s wedding? Is that correct?

Would be weird for our family. My in laws have barely ever met my sibling let alone my sibling’s spouse/family.

How entitled is your wife???? Good God. More insistent? What am I reading?

Huh 😕
Why on earth would your MIL expect an invitation to your sisters wedding?
Unless there's a backstory about the families having been friends for decades and she's actually your sisters godmother or something but even then it's entirely the bride and grooms choice who they invite.

Sorry I didn’t know about voting. I am interested in other women’s views.

I wonder if the main draw is that your MIL's DGD (your DD) is going to be a bridesmaid, and she would like to see her in that role? To make life easier, it would be kind of your sister to include her, although she obviously doesn't have to do anything.

Your wife is being an idiot and your sister has no obligation to the parents of the woman her brother chose to marry.

If your wife's parents were financially contributing to your sisters wedding then and only then would it be rude to not invite them.

I would mention it to your parents if they are paying for the wedding and have accepted hospitality from your MIL. It may have been an oversight on their part and they may be really embarrassed later when they find out. Sister will get over it.

And their DGD being a flower girl increases the reasons they would like to be there to see that.

Depends how well your sister knows your MIL? How good she’s been to you, financially or otherwise is irrelevant, it’s your sisters wedding, her guest list.

Your wife is being unreasonable.
Are your family south East Asian by any chance ?

Your wife needs to back off and let this go. It is not her wedding, and your sister can invite who she pleases. If your wife is that upset, she is free to stay home and not attend the wedding if she feels that strongly about it.

Your mother-in-law would really want an invitation given under pressure? Why would she want to be invited to an event she isn't wanted at? It's so weird.

It wouldn't cross my mind that my brother's inlaws would expect to be invited to my wedding.

And it hasn't happened in any of the many weddings I have attended over several decades.

Your MIL is being unreasonable. Yes, she was very generous to you but thats surely because she cares about you and her daughter, your wife. If giving you money has strings attached to it then that should have been made clear from the outset. Its not your wedding and you cant demand invitations for people who arent close to your sister.

I think you'll just have to ride this one out and tell them that you have spoken to your sister but she wants a small wedding and thats that. There really isnt anything else you can do in this scenario. IF they start getting pissy with you then you need to tell them they are being out of order- its not your bloody wedding to decide the guest list!