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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Mother-in-Law and sister’s wedding

118 replies

TheGoodDoctorvisits · 01/04/2024 16:44

I hope men aren’t frowned on. I need a woman’s perspective. I have known my wife for ten years shortly before her father died. We have been married for seven years.
We would not have the life we have without the the kindness and generosity of my MiL.
She paid for our wedding and provided us with a massive deposit.
Her son and daughter-in-law were also given a massive deposit but her family paid for their wedding.
Because of her I have been able to pursue my career, specialising in an area that I otherwise couldn’t have.
MiL is very generous and sociable and spends some time with her daughter-in-law’s family and we were all invited to her DiL’s brother’s wedding.
My parents are more reserved and less secure financially and socially.
I have a happy marriage and my MiL has never interfered. However, both my wife and MiL are outraged that MiL is not invited to my sister’s wedding. They feel that it’s impolite and my wife has pointed out that my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding. They think that it’s basic etiquette.
When I broached the subject with my sister, she laughed in my face.

OP posts:
MRochesterA · 01/04/2024 21:19

I can see your sister’s point, she may not know or feel close to your MIL.
I wish my family had been as close as this. It would be a lovely relationship.

I wanted my Mother to meet PIL, before the wedding, my husband to be, wasn’t keen.
They weren’t polite at the wedding. FIL is particularly unpleasant, and I’ve seen him be rude to his wife’s perfectly nice sister in law, for no reason, other than feeling inadequate.
They are a horrible family, and really I should have taken more notice of this before marriage.

Createausername1970 · 01/04/2024 21:22

Sorry, haven't RTFT, but if the ceremony is in a church, then anyone can go. No-one is barred from entering a church just because there is a wedding taking place.

So if MIL wants to see her DGD being a flower girl, then she can - if it's in a church.

PandaCory · 01/04/2024 21:25

I'm with your sister on this. If my husband's brother was getting married, I wouldn't expect my parents to be invited to his wedding. I wouldn't expect an invitation myself because it would be up to the couple who they want there.

ClimbEveryLadder · 01/04/2024 21:28

my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding

Your MIL and wife are rather old fashioned in her views on who decides the guest list at a wedding these days. This is your sisters wedding not your parents wedding. My sisters in-laws were invited to my wedding, I did know and like her in-laws so was fine with it but got married at a time when parents had more say over invitees and my parents invited them. I got to add a few friends but had no other say over the guest list, which decades later I still mind. Neither my in-laws nor my sisters in-laws were invited to either of my brothers weddings and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to suggest they were.

NameChangedAgainn · 01/04/2024 21:29

I really can't fathom why your mother in law would expect an invite to, or even want to attend, your sister's wedding.
My husband and I didn't invite our siblings' in-laws to our wedding and would have also laughed if anyone was ridiculous enough to suggest it.

Ponderingwindow · 01/04/2024 21:30

Your wife and MIL are the people who have breached etiquette in this scenario. They are pushing for an invitation to a wedding to someone that MIL barely knows.

none of our sibling’s spouse’s parents made it onto our guest list. I hadn’t even met all of except in passing at the weddings.

We also paid for our own wedding. there were no other voices that had any legitimate claim to influence the guest list.

StaunchMomma · 01/04/2024 21:37

It's not standard to invite in-laws to events on the opposite side of the family at all.

Your DW and MIL can think it's rude all they like but it's up to Dsis and her fiance who come to their wedding, your Mum & Dad don't even get a say.

It's a weird view to take it so personally, I think.

Is there a religion or ethnicity at play here that are more likely to see this as a slight on their family?

Sometimes1234 · 01/04/2024 21:45

I emphasise OP.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to placate everyone and keep everyone happy and yet having no control over anything.
At the end of the day, this is between you & your wife to sort. If your sister doesn't want your MIL at her wedding, which to be fair is her choice. Then your wife needs to step up here, have your back, support you and explain to her mother that s it s no reflection on her but that you have no control who is invited.

Noseybookworm · 01/04/2024 22:31

It's up to your sister who she invites to her wedding. Tell your wife and MIL that it's nothing to do with you 🤷‍♀️

Bbbbbbbby · 01/04/2024 22:50

In our family the MIL wouldn't be invited. If the MIL had paid for the wedding then that would be seen as her giving a gift to her daughter and so. It wouldn't have he strings attached.

BeretInParis · 01/04/2024 23:49

My brother invited my in laws to his wedding. It was the right thing to do. Given the relationships between the families and who is paying for the wedding, I'd say your wife is right and your sister has committed a social faux pas. I know people say "it's the couple's day, they can invite whom they like" but real life doesn't work like that. There's a social contract at play and your sister tore it up.

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 00:05

It’s a problem of having married into a different social culture. I think you just have to explain that clearly to your wife and let her handle her mother. The etiquette and social expectations you were raised with are different than their own. But you have to do so without judging them or giving them free rein to judge your family.

(I’m using “social culture” where some would say “class”. I think class is a a bullshit bougie judgy word, but that’s what we are talking about.)

Another good word is boundaries. “Love you MIL but I’m not the hostess here so don’t get a say in the invitations.” I wrote hostess because that’s a word she will understand. The women in her circle more likely control the guest lists. Don’t let her push you into being the middleman here.

AnnaMagnani · 02/04/2024 00:07

What social contract?! Plus the OP's ILs are not paying for any part of his sister's wedding.

Paying for your own child's wedding doesn't give you automatic invites to the weddings of the siblings of your child's spouse.

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 00:09

Your wife and MIL are the people who have breached etiquette in this scenario.

True story.

CarrotCake01 · 02/04/2024 00:17

If I were getting married, it wouldn't occur to me to invite the parents of my siblings partner.

Jadebanditchillipepper · 02/04/2024 00:18

Errm, I think your MIL is being ridiculous. I get on pretty well with my in laws - in a lot of ways, my MIL is more supportive than my own mother was.

My brother got married a lot later than I did (there's only 18 months between us) so I had known my in laws for a long time before he got married. My in laws weren't invited, but I would never have expected them to be - the only time they'd ever met my brother was at my wedding. They had met my parents a few more times (graduation ceremonies (DH and I had been together for a while when we graduated), first child's christening etc, but not loads)

Maybe if they had met each other loads of times and there were multiple whole family parties or something, it would be different, but apart from that, I think your MIL is being ridiculous

MaggieFS · 02/04/2024 08:55

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 00:05

It’s a problem of having married into a different social culture. I think you just have to explain that clearly to your wife and let her handle her mother. The etiquette and social expectations you were raised with are different than their own. But you have to do so without judging them or giving them free rein to judge your family.

(I’m using “social culture” where some would say “class”. I think class is a a bullshit bougie judgy word, but that’s what we are talking about.)

Another good word is boundaries. “Love you MIL but I’m not the hostess here so don’t get a say in the invitations.” I wrote hostess because that’s a word she will understand. The women in her circle more likely control the guest lists. Don’t let her push you into being the middleman here.

Absolutely LOVE the idea of "social culture" vs class. I was brought up by DM of the Hyacinth Bucket culture group.

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 11:47

@MaggieFS oh the people trying to motor around from one “class” to the other thinking one is better are as complicated to manage as the ones that don’t understand other cultural norms exist.

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