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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Mother-in-Law and sister’s wedding

118 replies

TheGoodDoctorvisits · 01/04/2024 16:44

I hope men aren’t frowned on. I need a woman’s perspective. I have known my wife for ten years shortly before her father died. We have been married for seven years.
We would not have the life we have without the the kindness and generosity of my MiL.
She paid for our wedding and provided us with a massive deposit.
Her son and daughter-in-law were also given a massive deposit but her family paid for their wedding.
Because of her I have been able to pursue my career, specialising in an area that I otherwise couldn’t have.
MiL is very generous and sociable and spends some time with her daughter-in-law’s family and we were all invited to her DiL’s brother’s wedding.
My parents are more reserved and less secure financially and socially.
I have a happy marriage and my MiL has never interfered. However, both my wife and MiL are outraged that MiL is not invited to my sister’s wedding. They feel that it’s impolite and my wife has pointed out that my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding. They think that it’s basic etiquette.
When I broached the subject with my sister, she laughed in my face.

OP posts:
Capmagturk · 01/04/2024 17:22

My brothers and sister never invited my in laws to their weddings and myself and my husband have been together 23 years. Likewise my parents weren't invited to any of our sil/bils weddings.

They know them from family things we occassionaly have and none of my inlaws expected an invite to my sister/brothers weddings. Pretty strange of your wife and mother in law to expect an invite.

2chocolateoranges · 01/04/2024 17:25

UncomfortablyBig882 · 01/04/2024 16:48

I'd smooth things over with MIL and say yeah, it would have been nice if they invited you but I have no control over their guest list, there's nothing I can do about it. And leave it at that.

Agree with this. It’s nothing to do with you and your wife and mil are being ridiculous. Please don’t speak to your sister about it. It’s her wedding to choose who she wants to invite.

my in-laws weren’t invited to my brothers wedding and my mum wasn’t invited to all my bils weddings either. It’s not the norm.

BMW6 · 01/04/2024 17:26

In all my years (66) I've never heard of In Laws being invited to a siblings wedding!

It's certainly not normal etiquette that I'm aware of.

waftabout · 01/04/2024 17:34

The only time I could see this happening is if there was an existing relationship.

My friend and husband's families were fairly close so did get invited to each other's big events but that's the only reason.

I think this type of invite would be more likely to happen in the days when wedding receptions were big hired halls with a buffet and DJ and numbers mattered slightly less but that's not how it is now for the most part. People don't invite randoms out of duty thank fuck!

Ginkypig · 01/04/2024 17:34

two of my siblings are married I’ve met the (parent and sibling) in-laws at my siblings weddings and I’m sure in the future I may meet them at another family event that focuses on the couple or their children like a birthday or christening etc but I am not friends with any of the in-laws so it wouldn’t even be on my radar to invite them to my wedding as they are not related to me and I don’t know them.
just as it didn’t occur to my siblings to invite any of my dh’s family to their weddings and it didn’t even cross our minds that it was a thing until this post.

have I missed something.
is your wife’s mother friends with either the bride or groom?
is mil close to your parents? It doesn’t actually change anything but at a stretch it might be a reason to think that your parents may want an invite for them although that’s a whole different thread. lol
Have they spent any significant time together above pleasantries at other events?

my point I think is this woman is YOUR family but she isn’t your sister family

CheeryFinch · 01/04/2024 17:40

Like pps, I'm wondering if it's so she can see your daughter being a flower girl

Chatonette · 01/04/2024 17:47

DH’s parents paid for our wedding 50/50 with my parents. They were not invited to my sibling’s wedding.

Mamimoo · 01/04/2024 18:00

I don’t think it’s common place to invite your siblings in laws.

When my sister got married, my MIL wasn’t invited but my brothers in laws were because my sister knew them quite well.

None of my siblings in laws were invited to my wedding.

When my brother got married, none of my siblings in laws were invited. But my SILs sisters in laws were as again, my SIL knew them well.

I guess it all depends on the relationships but I don’t think it’s common place to invite them.

ClareWilsonNS · 01/04/2024 18:06

It sounds like this pressure is coming from your wife. Perhaps partly because your daughter will look lovely and cute as a flower girl, and your wife wants her mum to share in that pleasure. I suggest saying: I asked my sister, she's said no, we just have to accept it. I don't feel embarrassed, if you do, that's your perogative.

Twinkletoes127 · 01/04/2024 18:06

I'm my family, your MIL would have been considered one of the main characters and invited.

Noicant · 01/04/2024 18:08

It could depend on OP’s culture, in mine in-laws are often invited. Honestly OP all you can do is say to your MIL that it’s shit and you are very sorry but theres nothing you can do.

HussellRobbs · 01/04/2024 18:09

Your MIL and wife are unreasonable to expect an invitation. I say that as someone who would invite my brother’s or sister’s in laws as I’m from a culture that does so.

However, your in laws should now no longer invite your parents and sister to anything.m, as the line has been drawn in the sand.

CorylusAgain · 01/04/2024 18:21

Noicant · 01/04/2024 18:08

It could depend on OP’s culture, in mine in-laws are often invited. Honestly OP all you can do is say to your MIL that it’s shit and you are very sorry but theres nothing you can do.

But it's not "shit"!

It's perfectly reasonable that in OP's family culture sibling's in laws are not invited. This thread has demonstrated that his family are not unusual in that.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 01/04/2024 18:23

Your wife needs to stay out of it who does she think she is insisting you demand an invite for her mum. You have no place insisting anything at your sisters wedding.

Nevermind31 · 01/04/2024 18:25

i don’t actually know my brother’s in laws - I don’t consider them family or friends and would definitely not invite them to anything family related…

AnxiousRabbit · 01/04/2024 18:31

It's not about blood, marriage, or family...its about the relationship.
How close is MIL to your sister....or your parents?

When parents pay for a wedding they get a bigger say in the guest list and traditionally the wedding invite comes from the brides parents (when traditionally they pay).
In your case your MIL seems very traditional.she paid for her daughters wedding but not her sons. So she probably sees it as your parents are in control of the wedding and the guest list and should invite her.

But if she does not spend much time with them or yorh sister. And your sister is paying for her own wedding then that old fashioned etiquette goes out the window.

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 01/04/2024 18:32

As it's a big wedding then it would make sense to invite your MIL.

Top of guest list - close family and friends. Then other relatives, work colleagues who you get on well with, and then finally there's the table of people you need to invite to be polite and avoid politics or sulking.

But ultimately it's your sister's wedding and she should get to say who comes.

JPGR · 01/04/2024 18:42

EIIaM · 01/04/2024 16:51

In our family, the MIL would have been invited in this scenario.

Same

Riapia · 01/04/2024 18:45

Give MIL your sister’s number.
You need have no further involvement.
Simple.

shenandoahvalley · 01/04/2024 18:49

Tricky. I sort of agree with your MIL, and sort of agree with your sister.

Your MIL hasn't actually said anything though, which is the decent thing to do. Really it's your wife talking to you about this on her behalf (at her bidding?).

I think the only thing you can do is say something to your MIL along the lines of "I wish you could join us at [sister's] wedding, would have loved for you to see [daughter] in her flower girl dress. I don't know what my sister was thinking in terms of guests, wish I could say something to her but it's a bit tricky as I don't know the situation with her fiance and his parents. Such a shame, you've always been so hospitable to my family".

Basically, acknowledge the situation, don't take responsibility for it (because you can't) and don't apologize for your sister either (it's her wedding). It literally is just a regrettable situation.

And tell your wife to knock off putting pressure on you. Not cool, when you can't do anything about it.

Bluetrews25 · 01/04/2024 18:52

So which of your sister's two close friends / close family should she disinvite so that your PILs can attend?
It was stretching it a bit that your parents were invited previously, but I'm sure they 'paid' for the invitation by giving a gift. The invitation does not have to be reciprocated.
It's incredibly rude to insist on invitations!

PrimalOwl10 · 01/04/2024 18:52

Is it a cultural thing?

Bluetrews25 · 01/04/2024 18:55

Oh, and if it is so that they can see DD as a flower girl, IF ONLY there were some way of sending them some kind of picture of what she looks like. If only someone could invent a machine that could capture images, and even sound, and transmit them to another machine a distance away! (I think this is my dragons' den moment!)

Awrite · 01/04/2024 19:01

I have a few siblings. We are all married. It would never have crossed our minds to invite each other's in-laws.

My mil does buy presents for all of my nieces and nephews. However, she does this out of kindness and expects nothing in return.

Stand firm. Your wife is wrong.

Toooldforthis36 · 01/04/2024 19:07

Does your sister have a relationship with your MIL? It seems a bit weird if not.