My Mother-in-Law and sister’s wedding

[TheGoodDoctorvisits]

I hope men aren’t frowned on. I need a woman’s perspective. I have known my wife for ten years shortly before her father died. We have been married for seven years.
We would not have the life we have without the the kindness and generosity of my MiL.
She paid for our wedding and provided us with a massive deposit.
Her son and daughter-in-law were also given a massive deposit but her family paid for their wedding.
Because of her I have been able to pursue my career, specialising in an area that I otherwise couldn’t have.
MiL is very generous and sociable and spends some time with her daughter-in-law’s family and we were all invited to her DiL’s brother’s wedding.
My parents are more reserved and less secure financially and socially.
I have a happy marriage and my MiL has never interfered. However, both my wife and MiL are outraged that MiL is not invited to my sister’s wedding. They feel that it’s impolite and my wife has pointed out that my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding. They think that it’s basic etiquette.
When I broached the subject with my sister, she laughed in my face.

My husbands parents came to my brothers wedding - would that be the same? My parents paid towards the wedding and invited them as their guests, but my brother knows and gets on with my in laws and appreciates how supportive they have been for us, so I think would have invited. Also, my daughter (their granddaughter) was a flower girl so it was lovely for them to see this.
Does your sister have to invite her? No, she doesn't have to invite anyone in particular, she doesn't even have to invite her own family
Would it have been nice is she had invited someone who had shown her sibling such generosity, and so they could see their granddaughter be a flowergirl. Absolutely.

Why are you interested in women's views? It's your relationship with your MIL that's at risk, what do you think the right thing to do is?

For me I think when we get married we join another family and I would invite my brothers in laws unless there was some history or background, but obviously this is mumsnet where the "norm" is you invite who you want with no care or thought of how it impacts relationships.

My mother and in-laws haven’t even met. After 9 years of marriage, this has only just occurred to me.

That's clearly not the norm. Seems OPs MIL thinks they are now family since they are.married but OPs side of the family thinks otherwise so it's just a case of everyone set expectations so people can act accordingly.

Definitely not the norm but it had never occurred to me before now.

As for the OP, I think his MIL is wrong to expect an invite.

It would be normal etiquette for her to be invited, regardless of financial support.

I disagree as it depends on the relationship they have. If it's a distant relationship then fine but she seems to think they are family since the marriage. Obviously they are not.

People now get so carried away with the perfect wedding and don't care what relationships are fractured along the way, it's the wrong approach but hey everyone do that's they want

It sounds to me like cultural differences might be at play. Your MIL paid for your wedding and likely had influence over the guest list.
If your sister is paying for the wedding herself, the loyalties of your parents are not relevant. If her/your parents are paying, I can imagine your MIL being upset.

Does your sister know your MIL? Does she know her well? Are they close friends who spend time together?

I've met my siblings inlaws once in my life. At my siblings wedding. I'm not sure we exchanged more than a couple of polite words.

The idea that I should invite these complete strangers to my own wedding is bizarre.

Did/would you really invite the parents of your brothers’ and sisters’ spouses to your wedding?

My MIL was invited to my sister's wedding but that's because they've known each other for years. They didn't invite the in-laws of the grooms siblings though. We didn't invite my brother in laws parents as we didn't really know them.

I was invited to my brother's sister in law's weddings (two of them) but that was a complete surprise. I thought it was lovely, but I would never have expected it. But then, I am of the mind that you should never expect an invitation to someone's wedding no matter how close you are to them. It is their day and they will have their own reason for who they invite. I am always very happy when I do get an invite though.

I do, however, think it is a huge faux pas to request to be invited. So your MiL and Wife need to revisit their etiquette books.

In my family it would be considered deeply weird to invite the in-laws in this situation. What do they have to do with your sister 😳

At Christmas, your children's birthdays etc don't you have your parents and your in laws round? So they would know each other? And your MIL would attend as a guest of your parents? Are your parents contributing to the wedding?
To me that would be usual, unless it's a very very small wedding?
Is she entitled to an invite? No
Is it strange she wasn't invited? Absolutely

I just wonder if there is a bit of resentment from your sister towards your in laws. You have said your MIL has contributed to your house, your wedding, your career, and your life would probably be quite different if she wasn't so generous? Are your sisters new in laws as generous?

I would invite my sister’s in-laws, yes. I’ve spent Christmas with them, they absolutely dote on my sister (more so than our own parents), and they’re lovely people who would be great value at a wedding.

OP, is your wife of a culture where there are expectations with regards to guest lists and who pays for what? Everyone here seems to be applying contemporary British expectations here but so many weddings in this country are celebrated with large guest lists including extended family, especially when multiple cultures are represented.

I wonder if at least part of this comes down to proximity. Most of my family and Dh's family live in separate counties to us and each other, so the idea of combining them in social situations doesn't really occur to us.

Not in my experience - I've never known the in-laws of a BIL or SIL be invited to a wedding, unless they happened to be friends anyway - they're not family

It would never have occurred to me or DH to invite his brother's MIL to our wedding. Why would we? She not related to us at all, and we barely know the woman.

Totally ridiculous. Your MIL is your family, not your sisters. I wouldn’t recognise my brothers’ living PIL in a line up but I know my DH’s brothers PIL and it never would have crossed our minds to invite them to our wedding.

MIL wouldn't be invited for weddings in my family - largely because of numbers, with so many directly related aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

I think in general the mother of a brother's wife is unlikely to be invited, even if parents of the bride control the guest list.

Please don't approach your parents - you will be challenging your sister's decision and that will not go down well.

You may have benefited from your MIL largess but your sister has not. Your state of being beholden does not cover your entire family. And if I were your sister, I'd be telling you this in no uncertain terms

I appreciate all families are different but I've just been trying to put this into the context of our family and no, it absolutely wouldn't have occurred to us to invite my Brother's Wife's Parents to our wedding (although they are lovely).

In families that were very close and spent more time together at various celebrations and what have you then I could see how it would be a nice gesture.

Ultimately it's up to your Sister and her Fiancé though, no matter what your Wife says or thinks. There's no etiquette rule on it, no matter how much your MIL has helped you in your life.

My parents are invited to my sister in laws wedding soon.

I have never even heard of ILs of one sibling being invited to the other sibling's wedding. I'm so surprised that other people think this is "the norm".

I've met my sister's MIL a few times and liked her, but it would never have crossed my mind to invite her to my wedding (if I was getting married, which I'm not).

My sister’s in-laws came to my wedding - that was 30+ years ago. We knew them well, we had Christmas meals together, I went to BIL’s sister’s wedding etc.
We come from an area where everyone knows everyone else.

On the other hand, DH’s BIL family were not invited, and that was his/ his parents choice. They just did not know us well.

So I think it depends on how close the familial relationships are .

We are Scottish if the cultural thing is important.