My Mother-in-Law and sister’s wedding

[TheGoodDoctorvisits]

I hope men aren’t frowned on. I need a woman’s perspective. I have known my wife for ten years shortly before her father died. We have been married for seven years.
We would not have the life we have without the the kindness and generosity of my MiL.
She paid for our wedding and provided us with a massive deposit.
Her son and daughter-in-law were also given a massive deposit but her family paid for their wedding.
Because of her I have been able to pursue my career, specialising in an area that I otherwise couldn’t have.
MiL is very generous and sociable and spends some time with her daughter-in-law’s family and we were all invited to her DiL’s brother’s wedding.
My parents are more reserved and less secure financially and socially.
I have a happy marriage and my MiL has never interfered. However, both my wife and MiL are outraged that MiL is not invited to my sister’s wedding. They feel that it’s impolite and my wife has pointed out that my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding. They think that it’s basic etiquette.
When I broached the subject with my sister, she laughed in my face.

It sounds very old fashioned and formal to me, I don’t know many brides who would extend this invite. That being said could you offer to your sister to pay for the cost of inviting them?

My MIL was invited to my sisters wedding and made a huge fuss about how far it was (an hour) and how she needed a plus 1.. that didn't happen!

Yes

It's your sisters wedding. That's all that needs to said. Her day. Her guest list.

They would be invited in our family particularly if the parents are paying for the wedding. Having said that, if they are not invited it is not a slight in any way and it is extraordinary to make a fuss. That is where the bad manners lie.

This is the sort of thing that varies hugely by culture. In some cultures it would be considered rude not to invite her. In your average white British family, I’d say the bride and groom set the guest list and it’s definitely not uncommon to leave a sibling’s in laws off that list!

No, why would your sister invite your MIL? They’re barely family. My siblings don’t know my in laws and my parents barely know my siblings in law. For me it would be weird unless they know each other very well.

It may be normal for your family but I definitely don’t think it’s etiquette.

But OP’s parents aren’t paying for his wife’s sister’s wedding.

This is your sisters( and her fiances) wedding.. up to them who is invited... Poor show if your wife and her mother keep a tally of who is invited to what..

If I had a sister and she invited my MIL to her wedding, I’d be asking why.

It’s weird.

Your wife and MIL have absolutely no business being outraged about your MIL not being invited to your sister's wedding.

You married into your wife's family, and have a relationship with your in laws.

Your sister has not, and will not. Your sister will have her own in laws to deal with.

Your wife and MIL need to rein it in. Your MIL's generosity to you is completely irrelevant to your sister.

I wouldn't expect my DH's siblings to invite my parents to their weddings or for my siblings to invite my inlaws to their weddings.

My family and DH's are from different parts of the country so we don't socialise as a group apart from when we did at our wedding.

It would perhaps be different if we all met up regularly, Gavin and Stacey style.

None of us are from a culture where inviting large numbers of extended family or our wider communities is the norm for weddings.

They only place I would expect all these people to mix would be at an event for you, your wife or your children.

Unless there are different cultural expectations involved I can’t see what the hell your MIL and wife are on about.

I depends on the relationship, on my opinion. We have a very close knit family and I remember both sets of my grandparents were invited to both my uncle and aunties weddings. So My Dad's parents (and Dads brother) were invited to my Mum's sister's wedding, and my Mum's parents (and Mum's sister) were also invited to my Dad's brothers wedding. And I have friends who's done exactly the same, but again, the families were quite close so it was a no brainier.

In contrast, I have never met my brother's wife's parents so if I were to get married now, they'd not get an invite. BUT, my Brother used to get on well with my Husband's mum before she passed, so he invited her to his wedding.

It all depends really....

Agree with others, entirely a personal matter.

We are rural Scotland, families live very close, big farm weddings.

My parents didn't go to one of DH brothers weddings, did the other. Just depends on how often they see them and socialising I suppose.

How well do they know eachother? I've never met any of my siblings in laws. Bar one SILs mother briefly on her wedding morning. I couldn't even tell you their names. It would never occur to me to invite them.

But honestly it's not.your decision so just say to MIL "I'm sorry, I did speak to her but there's nothing I can do."

Why would dp's brother invite my parents? I'm certainly not inviting his mil to my wedding... not because she's not lovely, but she's simply not someone I know independently of them, we've met her but because we were at their house and she visited

Is there a cultural aspect? I've been invited to Indian weddings purely because I'm a business contact of the father, never met the couple marrying! (I've always politely refused)

I've been married 30yrs & my sibling has never met my ILs.

I've never met theirs either!

I'd probably invite my sister's in law's but because they are lovely people, who I've spent a fair bit of time with over the years and who were incredibly kind to me when we were all grieving. I wouldn't consider them inviting them just because they are her in laws though, that would be incredibly weird.
Please politely close it down with your wife and her mum. The guest list is nothing to do with you, or your parents, and if some sort of quid pro quo was applied to your own wedding invites then that should be have been included on the invites so people know about their future invite debt! And please don't throw your sister under the bus like some people have suggested. You don't think she's doing anything wrong and it would be shitty to suggest you do.

Same

I probably have a closer relationship with my in-laws in-laws than most to be fair. I have spent a Christmas with my SIL’s MIL and been on UK holidays with her and she wasn’t invited to our wedding. She hosted the first Christmas after we lost FIL which was very kind of her to take the pressure off SIL and MIL. She is lovely and we all get on well but there were many others who would have been invited before her if our capacity had allowed. We had a large wedding (100 to the day and an additional 30th for the evening) due to DH having a large family.
I don’t think she expected to be invited, she never said anyway and neither did SIL or her husband!

As you've described would warrant an invitation in our family.

Important q, was your sister typically present at family things hosted by your parents at which your MIL was present? I.E. does MIL know your sister.

Unfortunately you will probably have to say to MIL that your parents aren't hosting this wedding and whilst you are terribly sorry, your sister has chosen not to invite her.

I think a lot of etiquette items are positive, but the scenario of the bride's parents hosting the wedding at which their daughter was handed over like a chattel to become part of the groom's family has no place in modern society. And with that goes the "etiquette" of the bride's parents inviting whom they choose.

(And this is why DH and I paid for 60% of our wedding and my mum still has a grump that she was only "allowed" to invite two people... plus her 25 relatives...)