To not want to pay for my bridesmaid dress?

[MrsB777]

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for two weddings this year, both of which I need to purchase my own dress for. The dresses that have been chosen range from £100-130.

AIBU to think that if someone asks me to be in their wedding, then they should pay for the dress? I've been a bridesmaid previously and the bride bought my dress.

I've never heard of the bridesmaid having to pay for her own dress. I was always lead to believe that it was just a part of the budget, like the cake, photographer, flowers etc

10 bridesmaids?! Ridiculous, especially if she's not buying the dresses, etc

She wants a look that she absolutely cannot afford and expects everyone else to fund for her as it's 'her special day'.

Just decline. Say you'd prefer to be a guest.

Me too.

Feel what you like love, it bloody is rude! Whether they offered or not, I’d have been mortified accepting. Dont have BMs if you can’t afford it.

I assume your UK... and yes its super tacky to expect the bridesmaids to pay.

Just turn them down, if they ask why tell them.

Also someone always make arguments about 'you would pay the same as a guest for an outfit' or 'its in lieu of a gift' but absoloutly not. I don't think I have ever paid more than £20 for an outfit as a guest and key point is I didn't have to at all... I could have wore one of the many other suitable dresses I had (and I have done that before so not spent anything). I have also never gifted £130 at a wedding, thats more than my own wedding dress cost.

if it had been reversed and my best friend had said to me they couldn’t afford bridesmaids, I would have paid for my own things or discussed it and found a compromise rather than letting them have no bridesmaids!

I had already bought my own dress for one of my bridesmaids’ weddings so assumed this was what was done, but thought it would be good to contribute. Obviously reading this thread I was naive but I’d only been a bridesmaid once and as I said, I’d had to pay for my own dress! We’d chosen it together just as I did with my bridesmaids and she never suggested paying for it. I was just happy to be a part of the wedding so just bought it and didn’t question it. But can understand if you’re a bridesmaid a lot or the wedding is otherwise very expensive or the dress selected is very expensive then it would be an issue, but surely if you’re close enough to someone to be a bridesmaid then you would be close enough to explain the cost is too much and come to a compromise or something?

I would say if the bride is choosing the dress she should pay, if you get to choose you pay.

No it really isn’t. Bridesmaid dresses come out of the wedding budget!

I’m honestly baffled at the number of people claiming it isn’t tradition in the UK. Maybe not in the past, but it’s certainly become a lot more common to make your bridesmaids pay!

The general theme seems to be -
a) bride picks dresses, bridesmaids have no choice in style and bride pays for them
b) bridesmaids choose own dress and pay.

I’ve been/am being a bridesmaid 3 times in the last 4 years and I’ve paid/am paying for my own dress! And yes I am in the UK. We are all picking our own dresses for each of these, which seems to becoming more popular. I also have friends who have got married recently and I would say it was a 50/50 split of them being paid for or not.

Not in the UK it isn’t

It is certainly not “standard in the USA.”
What it seems standard for is brides and their mothers who are uncouth and who don’t have the slightest idea of what is or what isn’t good manners.
And that’s worldwide.

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses when I got married. And when I have been a bridesmaid it was paid for by the ones getting married.
the only time I paid for it was when my sister was getting married. They were doing it in a budget and couldn’t afford to. Me and our other sister said we would pay for our own dresses if she did want us as bridesmaids otherwise she would have just not had them!!

For all you UK experts on the US, brides expecting or demanding their bridesmaids pay for their dresses, etc. — it’s NOT customary or normal.
It’s trashy and uncouth and brides worldwide do it because they don’t know any better or they want weddings they can’t afford.
Please stop generalising an entire country of women.
I don’t know a single solitary person who asked their bridesmaids to purchase their dresses and I’m in California. And I’m old.
Wow.

No the groom buys them that’s the traditional way

Bride and groom have always paid for the bridesmaid dresses and suits at all but one of the weddings I’ve been to (including my own).

My daughter was a bridesmaid once, though, and I had to pay for her dress. I was quite cross that I was also expected to do her hair (I am not a hairdresser) and when I did a rubbish job of it, the bride got all huffy and made a point of shoving a handful of cash at the hairdresser (who was doing all the other bridesmaids!) so that my daughter’s could also be done.

The bride and groom are now divorced, and I am not surprised.

Really?
Of course I won't presume - I've only paid for my own dress once when I was BM at an American wedding.
But everyone assured me it was the norm

Also it's what most sites say
https://www.marthastewart.com/7856923/bridesmaid-etiquette-expenses
https://www.theknot.com/content/what-bridesmaids-pay-for
https://onefabday.com/who-pays-for-bridesmaids-dresses/#:~:text=In%20the%20US%2C%20the%20tradition,she%20chooses%20for%20her%20girls.

https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/18j3s6j/isit_normal_for_bridesmaids_to_pay_for_their_own/

I see mixed links on this here in the UK!
'Traditionally' BM's pay however it also seems that the BM's in question are little children. Not expected for adult BM's to pay however it's becoming more common.

Also brides worldwide don't do it purely because bridesmaids don't exist in all cultures...

if it had been reversed and my best friend had said to me they couldn’t afford bridesmaids, I would have paid for my own things or discussed it and found a compromise rather than letting them have no bridesmaids!

Absolutely, this happens at weddings sometimes, but that isn't what we are talking about here. The OP has been asked to be a prop at some sort of 'Instagram wedding' where there are to be 10 bridesmaids, BUT the B&G can't actually afford the big, showy "all for the photos" wedding they want, so are trying to palm costs off onto all sorts of people (I'm going to presume, if there are 10 'bridesmaids' then there are also likely to be a similar amount of men being asked to but themselves new matching suits too ??).
IMO that is a long way from a bride saying she isn't going to have anyone help her on the day, because she can't afford to buy them a dress.

@CaliGurl

I stand by my statement.

Funny that you assume I’ve never lived in the US. I have. I have family members who are US citizens who live there permanently.

I stand by what I said. You can ‘wow’ as much as you like.

I’ve never heard of this tradition? Paid for my bridesmaids, wouldn’t dream of asking them to fork out. And bought them a gift to thank them for their support.

It’s bad enough that people feel forced to shell out for hen do’s/hotel stays/expensive gifts etc when people get married.

Bride is a CF getting everyone to pay for what she thinks will look great on Insta. In reality will look like My Big Fat Gyspy Wedding. Hideous.

That would be a polite no thank you.

If she has picked your dress she should pay for it. As others have said, it won’t stop at the dress, hair, make up, shoes, etc etc.

I bought my bridesmaids dresses and their sandals. I paid for their hair and makeup to be done as well. I have never heard of a bridesmaid paying for their own dresses.

Yanbu. So cheeky to ask a bridesmaid to pay for a dress where she hasn’t chosen the dress or the price. The only exception might be where the bride says “choose whatever dress you like in x,y, or z colour” that you’ll be happy to wear again to other events.

I have been a bridesmaid 3 times and have never been expected to buy my own dress.