Ex sending DC back sick?

[nc235]

Is it okay and just part of co-parenting?

50/50 arrangement, 3 DC.

Ex has just taken them on holiday for a week, lovely for them all.

Have been returned today and 2/3 children have sickness and diarrhoea. Oldest child who is a teen says this began on the last night of the holiday.

Ex has not mentioned prior to dropping kids back, we usually get along pretty well although issues historically.

Have not said anything yet, but WIBU to ask why he didn't tell me? And is it reasonable to send them back with a sickness bug or would you usually try and keep that to one house (as I imagine I would do)?

I think it should be communicated as soon as children are sick. But I would want the children back if it was my time as that is the routine and what the children would be expecting.

Thanks @BookArt. I obviously want them back and missed them terribly.

I think my feelings are skewed a bit as I'm quite an anxious person and I have a young baby as well so I'm worried of this going through the house.

It’s inconsiderate but not unreasonable.

i actively want mine back with me when they’re sick personally

The lack of communication was inconsiderate but if it’s your time on 50/50 then he’s right to send them back.

You could always ask him to take them if they are sick and worried about a new baby. I say you both need better communication

Thanks all. Sorry I hope it doesn't sound like I don't want them or don't want to look after my sick children, of course I want them.

I'm just thinking what I would have done. They aren't babies they are late primary and teens.

If it was me I would have kept them with me a few extra days as to not pass the bug on to a different house. In previous circumstances where there have been illnesses on my end like covid, I kept the children here to avoid passing on. Colds etc fine.

I let ex know when the kids are ill but they go regardless. It’s a custody arrangement, he’s not baby sitting.

He should have told you but no reason the kids couldn’t back to yours as expected.

It would have been courteous of him to have told you but not unreasonable to return them.

I'd want my dc back in my care if they are ill. My ex is totally selfish and doesn't give a toss for anyone's convenience but his own, so he can't be trusted to look after a sick child.

He should have told you, but it wasn't unreasonable for him to send them back home to you.

If it is your time to have them why wouldn't they come back? Also, the kids are old enough to tell you so unsure why ex needs to? Not something I would get worked up about.

There will be a whole batch of other people who would get the hump if their ex didn't return them on time for their residence time.

He's a perfectly capable parent, if he wasn't it wouldn't be 50/50.

Any general illnesses it wouldn't cross my mind, it's just the fact that it's D & V which generally spreads quickly through a household that I was querying it.

Try and confine them to the bathroom and bedrooms while they are ill. They can have ipads, books, tv, whatever, there. Completely reasonable not to want to spread it throughout the house and for the baby to get it. Or you, especially if you are breastfeeding.

@JPGR I am breastfeeding, I'm also lone parent so if I get ill it's very very difficult with a little baby as I have no one to help but I know lots of people do it. It's just upset me that it could have been avoidable bringing it into the house.

The responses have made me feel like a terrible mother for even thinking this, but he's a capable parent and has 50/50, parenting is all the time just not "my" time and "your" time. I'm still always their mum I never switch off and I'm always here for them.

I was just thinking the other way around if they fell ill with something like this in my care I'd be keeping them here until better to send back. I know how horrible sickness bugs are and I wouldn't want to knowingly pass it on.

You are definitely not a terrible mother - just trying to do the best for everyone. It would have been considerate of him to have kept the children for a while longer but it sounds like he couldn't wait to get rid. If anyone is the shit parent it is him. The last thing the children needed was to be taken in the car back home when they are vomiting and suffering from upset stomachs. They are old enough to realise that the best thing is for them to stay in their rooms until they are better. For the record I have had a vomiting bug when breastfeeding and - hard as it was - I still continued to breastfeed and didn't lose my milk. Baby didn't get it. Take care of yourself.

When DC are ill during my time with them (ill enough for it to keep them off school for example, not every sniffle) I would inform ex and offer him the option of me keeping hold of them therefore keep the germs to my house, or them going back on time. He generally asks me to keep hold of them. You aren’t unreasonable to want that level of courtesy and my and ex avoid each other as much as possible so it’s not like we have an amicable relationship.

You're asking two different things

Should he have mentioned they werent well - yess thats good communication and good coparenting to talk to you about their welfare and how they've been

Should they have come home when it was time to come home even they they are ill - depends on what the arrangement and agreements are between you, there is no right or wrong about this, particularly in the light you have a baby with you.

Yabu

Kids get sick. He didn't deliberately make them sick.

Put a face mask on, keep the baby away from them, ventilate the house and wipe down all surfaces and thoroughly clean the bathroom.

what difference would it have made if he told you prior to dropping them off, oh by the way they are poorly?.. I'm assuming you are the mother? what did you want him to do, keep them until they were well?

i know my kids when they were little only ever wanted their mom when they were poorly and to be honest, if they were poorly i wanted them home where i could care for them.

i know its sexist and i know all the feminists will jump all over me, but in my eyes, poorly kids need their mum.

i think you are being petty

what difference would it have made if he told you prior to dropping them off, oh by the way they are poorly?

She might have had a chance not to hug them when they first came into the house. Get in appropriate medication/ more cleaning supplies this morning while chemist open. Set up rooms for them to camp out in for a few days if needed. It would have been courteous to let OP know. I think it also depends if the ex would knowingly take them if they became ill during OP's time. Having a young baby also makes a difference.

They aren't little.

I don't think I'm being petty. A heads up at the very least would have been nice.

The children couldn't have let me know. The youngest are year 5 and 6 and don't have phones. The eldest does have a phone but tbh his texts usually consist of one word, typical teenage boy.

We share only one bathroom at my house so difficult I've got two children being sick and diarrhoea and having to disinfect and clean constantly, I also have a small baby to care for alone and I've got terrible anxiety.

In the past, I have kept them when they've become ill on my time (with covid). I gave my ex the option but he opted for it not to be spread into his household, same as a pp has said.

I know the children could bring these things home from school at any point and that happens. I was just querying it as I felt myself that it was a bit unreasonable to knowingly send D & V over without warning. He's a capable parent and it's 50/50.

I haven't said anything to him and I'll just crack on with it. I was just asking but seems IABU so I'll accept that.

Yanbu!! At all. Im annoyed on your behalf. He should have kept them til 48hiurs clear of last persons sickness. Ignorant twat.

I would have been furious!! Kids stay put when ill with sickness or covid etc. no one needs that. I don’t allow my step kids with these illnesses either and vice versa - literally no family needs the germs spread about, not to mention the fact that kids that feel shit should be tucked up in bed ; not being dragged about!

Ok so TELL you ex that it was thoughtless of him to send the children to you sick, without warning, when he knows you are alone with an infant. The least he could have done was given you a head’s up and offered to get you the cleaning and med supplies which you were suddenly going to need and which you had no time or warning to get into the house.