Ex sending DC back sick?

[nc235]

Is it okay and just part of co-parenting?

50/50 arrangement, 3 DC.

Ex has just taken them on holiday for a week, lovely for them all.

Have been returned today and 2/3 children have sickness and diarrhoea. Oldest child who is a teen says this began on the last night of the holiday.

Ex has not mentioned prior to dropping kids back, we usually get along pretty well although issues historically.

Have not said anything yet, but WIBU to ask why he didn't tell me? And is it reasonable to send them back with a sickness bug or would you usually try and keep that to one house (as I imagine I would do)?

DS is still young so I inform ex of illness on drop off but I don't expect to be doing that with teens.

If DS was bed bound, round the clock vomiting then I'd keep him, purely because it wouldnt be fair to him to make him move, but otherwise I'd still send him. It's not really your exes job to protect your new baby from childhood illnesses.

We were sent my DSS twice with Covid, he was visibly ill and said he hadn't been allowed to test at his mums. One time it absolutely ruined a long awaited family party as of course we had to cancel once he was in the house, the other time I couldn't see my sister who was in the UK from overseas and comes only once a year.

Not only was it bad for us, it was awful for him as he asked to test when he got to us so was aware of the issues and felt really guilty even though it wasn't at all his fault and we told him that.

We didn't say anything to his mum but it felt really unreasonable of her to not test or give us a heads up. I would have kept them in his situation, or at least told you and asked you and the kids your opinions.

I just think that if this was a Dad posting that the children's mother had sent them over ill with D & V with no warning, the mother would be getting slated on here for sending the kids off like that and probably called selfish for not continuing to care for the ill children.

But because a Dad has done it I'm the bad one for questioning if this is right. Because I'm a mum and no matter the arrangement I am the default parent.

I know it's not his "job" to protect my new baby but I don't know it is surely common courtesy to give the heads up so I could prepare at the very least.

D & V is an unpleasant illness and I personally wouldn't want to intentionally spread it.

He should definitely have mentioned it, yes. Communication costs nothing.

Should he have handed over to you with them ill? It depends on how the two of you do things. It does look like a precedent has been set of not passing on illness to the other household, so in those circumstances I’d have thought he’d give you the option.

I also think there’s something in there being a small baby in your household - usually there’d be consideration given to that factor. Plus the kids might not want to be moved whilst sick.

Otherwise I’d have thought the “norm” would be for kids to go to the other parent anyway because it’s their parent they’re going to.

I’ve been know in the past not to send my kids to their dad whilst sick but that’s because they often don’t want to go there sick, and he doesn’t really look after them properly (crap I know - but I could start a whole thread on that). He would normally send them back here though!

YABU!

I’m actually with you OP. I have 50:50 with my ex. Twice one of our three (teen/primary age) have come down with sickness while with me. I’ve kept them with me longer than the contact arrangement (a) so the child is comfortable and (b) to contain it. Sent them back when well. I keep exh informed how they are and he checks in with the teens himself via phone.

I don’t know how I would feel if they had got sick at his, because I like to be there for them when they are ill, but if I also had a small baby that would probably - like you - be my priority, because it’s more dangerous for small babies, and to avoid me getting it and being unable to care for all of the kids. It would be a tough call though if I felt my older kids just needed me because I’m their mum.

I really think he should have discussed with you the best thing to do here.

This.

His house is also their "home"

So if they fall ill on my time with D & V it is perfectly acceptable to send them off to his home while still ill because its Dads "time" now? See I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't think it would be in anyone's best interest.

With no consideration for the children's comfort (making them travel while unwell).

And also spreading an unpleasant illness to more people.

I've text my ex and just said politely that it would have been nice to have known so I could have been prepared. He has apologised and said he has a lot of work up catch up on after going away, but does admit he has a sore tummy and "the runs" himself but nothing "unmanageable".

He should have told you definitely. As you have other children, and/or it was a d and v bug, it would have been considerate / nice to have them a little longer, unless there was a good reason not to.

Maybe make your expectations very clear for next time, that he needs to talk to you first. He's been unreasonable and should have known of course not to just send them, but given that he didn't it's probably just sensible to point out where he went wrong and what to do next time (I know you shouldn't have to). Obviously if he refuses then there's nothing you can do but it's worth a try.

I would be happy to have them back so I could look after them and comfort them.

However, I wouldn't want them being put in a car, walking or using public transport when they are so poorly and need to be resting.

I don't think there's any right answer, just what suits the routine for work/school etc and whether they are well enough to travel between houses.

I'd want my child back if sick. However it should have been mentioned to you before

V&D is horrid but once the kids are older it's less worrying and also much easier to manage.
I imagine he assumed the kids would tell you.

I think the fact he mentioned how much work he has to catch up on tells you everything you need to know about his priorities in this situation (ie himself) over his sick kids and you and your baby potentially getting ill too. Utterly selfish and YANBU.

YANBU. Yes D&V is easier to manage in older kids but not younger kids and babies. He's a selfish twat.
All those saying but I'd want my kids with me, yes I can understand why but when OP is unwell herself and if her baby becomes hospitalised from something like this will her ex pick up the pieces? I highly doubt it 🙄

Is he back to work tomorrow? Maybe he couldn't sort out alternative arrangements. From other threads on here, he absolutely could not ask a new partner to help out, it's his job to look after his children.

So he definitely should have told you they were unwell, but I don't think he is unreasonable to return them at the pre-arranged time.

oh OP I feel for you, that sounds really hard. Yes he should have told you, and yes - I think it would have been appropriate to ask you - given you have a newborn - whether it would be helpful for you to keep them for a couple of days. Presumably you are civil with him, so some level of flexibility could be expected. Of course maybe he couldn't help. FWIW my LO has had two/three tummy bugs that I have managed to avoid with hygiene and cleaning toilet and touch points, making sure not sharing any food/drink/etc. I hope you can come through unscathed.

As to everyone saying oh children need their mothers when they are sick. Children need a PARENT when they are sick. Why the f*ck does it need to specifically be the mother. Some children may seek comfort from one parent specifically. Some mothers or fathers may specifically want to care for their children when they are sick / be looking after them - totally fine and great.

But parenting (when there are two parents) is a shared endeavour - don't make mums or dads or whoever feel guilty because they aren't chomping at the bit to be covered in vomit and shit while also caring for a newborn.

He's a dick, the fact he didn't tell you about it suggests he knows he should have discussed it with you. He will have thought about it since you have him the chance to opt out when they had COVID. The fact you have a young baby alone and are breastfeeding means he should have afforded you extra consideration.

We’re kept in the dark about any sickness or illness or even accidents requiring hospital treatment it’s infuriating. Despite this, one weekend, one had a headache and she went mental we didn’t tell her. It’s a good job she spoke to my partner and not me because I wouldn’t have bit my tongue. I think telling at drop off is appropriate. We don’t say if they have a headache or coughed a few times but if they’ve been sick or hurt themselves we say something. We don’t however keep them as they have school and routine which we don’t want to disturb.

sometimes we have had it in the past where we’ve gone to pick up and one won’t come due to illness and they’ve stayed at home through choice and preference. That tends to be sickness but if they wanted to come whilst ill we would take them still.

Should have been given a heads up, but I don't see why they would have to stay longer, and he may not be able to facilitate longer. Kids get sick, and some have 2 households. A heads up would have been nice, but I would have also still brought them back, as long as they were ok to travel

He works from home, and is self employed so the work thing isn't a huge issue.

Yes you're right...it is sexist 🙄 and silly.. they've been with the other parent anyway both parents should be just as capable. I'd say u sound petty yourself, what do you mean what difference would it make... erm a headsup means you can prepare and what's this utter rubbish 'I'm assuming you're the mother' of course she's the flipping mother.

P.s I'm not a feminist!

The obvious thing to do would have been to have called you and given you the option. People with DV shouldn’t be moved between households for 48 hours where it’s avoidable to minimise the risk of spreading it. That said, I’d want my kids home and in their own beds if they felt poorly.

I ask my ex to keep DC if there's anything contagious or if DC would have to be off school, because I can't take time off work. He's always happy to and DC prefers not to have to travel about when unwell.

Also, although I get angsty and miss my DC...I also need downtime and if I had a baby I don't think I'd miss older DC soooo much that I wouldn't leap at the chance of a rest (unless they're all really good with housework and helping out with the baby, that is!). :)