Ex sending DC back sick?

[nc235]

Is it okay and just part of co-parenting?

50/50 arrangement, 3 DC.

Ex has just taken them on holiday for a week, lovely for them all.

Have been returned today and 2/3 children have sickness and diarrhoea. Oldest child who is a teen says this began on the last night of the holiday.

Ex has not mentioned prior to dropping kids back, we usually get along pretty well although issues historically.

Have not said anything yet, but WIBU to ask why he didn't tell me? And is it reasonable to send them back with a sickness bug or would you usually try and keep that to one house (as I imagine I would do)?

It's mean though, to take illness to the home of a baby, when you could avoid it. It doesn't matter that the baby isn't the ex's responsibility - you'd think that any decent person would look after their own dc for a few more days so as not to pass sickness to a very small and vulnerable child.

It's 50/50 custody. It was your turn.

Yes it's unfortunate they got sick but that's life. He already did his bit and then it was your turn. Why would you shirk your parenting responsibility? You chose to have another baby...

24 to 48 hours and everyone will be feeling OK again. It's not the end of the world.

"Shirking" my parenting responsibilities because I considered it would be polite to spend 2-3 extra days with their Father to stop the spread of illness. Lol.

I've never shirked my parenting responsibilities, I did the bulk of parenting before and after the split. It was only when I applied to CMS that Dad wanted 50/50... this was 3 years after the actual split. He was happy to let me do it all and see them once a week prior to this.

Oh and I didn't "choose" to have another baby. You have no idea of the circumstances surrounding the babies conception and birth. Totally irrelevant.

I'm exclusively breastfeeding and I can't keep water down atm, and it could have been avoided.

I'd expect him to let you know, but I wouldn't expect him to keep them longer than planned

Exactly. Mumsnet is full of people who believe fervently that they have no responsibility to be decent to others, unfortunately, or that it's wrong to want others to be decent to you if they don't have a set "responsibility" to be so. Personally I think it's everyone's responsibility to be considerate and caring towards others, especially to people in more vulnerable positions.

what would have happened if you had been together? Children get sick.

Could you ask ex to come and help with poorly dc?

Again, kids get sick. That's life.

Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.

There are people on here who have had to miss family holidays abroad due to a child with a vomiting bug.

How old is the baby? I had d+v and was home alone with baby I switched to bottle top ups for a while so I could hold bottle with baby in bouncy chair while I threw up. Horrendous but we made it through and continued bf

I get you OP, I hate illness being passed across households,

DHs ex sent the kids knowing they had covid and they were really unwell because she had a party she wanted to go to (which at the time shouldn’t have even been happening) - I had a 2 week old and was still recovering after a 3rd degree tear, both me and the baby ended up really unwell to the point I couldn’t breastfeed and so my milk dried up and we had to feed her formula, it was one of the most miserable times of my life 😔 I still hate her for it…

He definitely should have had the decency to at least let you know.

I think it’s incredibly selfish of him to pass poorly kids back to yours but if he wishes to,set that precedent then feel free to,do the same to him next time! Is the baby his? You’d have to be very ignorant not to realise the risks of you and the baby getting ill and that it would make you less likely to be able to care for your joint children.

I think the key point here is that he refused to have them when they were ill with you to reduce the spread. Given that was his choice he should have shown you the same courtesy and offered to keep them longer when they became ill during his time. So 50/50 but he still sees you as the default parent!

The silly thing is my exh has a new partner and 2 other children, they all have it too now

Why did they not just bunk down together with the bug? Unless they thought by returning my sick DC without telling me they were ill, that they would avoid it? Even thought they've all been on holiday together.

"Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill."

This is a cunty thing to say @TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist
It's completely irrelevant that other people have missed holidays due to children's illness. That sucks but doesn't mean OP has nothing to be upset about. Babies can get seriously ill from D&V bugs.

It would make sense to the sick household to of stuck together. Since they where all On holiday together it was pretty much a they would get it. All they have done is now give it to op and by odds a baby.

Its not about who’s time it’s about not spreading things when not necessarily, would of thought covid taught us that 😅

OP hide the thread. I've come to the conclusion lately that there are a lot of frustrated people on here who could do with getting laid. They'll be here long after you've gone, picking over the bones and moving on to the next victim

Your ex should have kept them, he obviously didn't tell you because he didn't want to deal with it or catch it himself. If something like that can avoid being passed on to a household with a baby he should have kept them home.

I hope you're feeling better now. Horrible lurgy to get and have to look after a baby on top. Especially when it could have been avoided

He’s been a bit of a dick here.

All the posters whinnying about “turns” as though you’re arguing it’s your go on a game, not a custody arrangement regarding children and their best interests. Idiots.

My step children’s mother would pass the bubonic plague between houses if we hadn’t put our foot down a year or so ago. My exh and I have a significantly more sensible approach

I hope you feel better soon.

He should have perhaps warned you
"Hey, just letting you know we're all back safe and sound, they all had a great time. X and Y are feeling a bit poorly though, it looks like they may have a tummy bug so might be worth keeping an eye on them over the next couple of days."

Not unreasonable of him to bring them back to you at the prearranged time though, just because they're ill.

🙄 because your parenting time is your responsibility.

Put your foot down? My kids Dad could never 😂 It’s a custody arrangement not a babysitting gig.

Yes, he’s selfish.

Yes, it was your time, but he could have kept the bug away from you and you could have had them extra another time. That would have been common sense.

And?

Does it being a custody arrangement prevent everyone else involved getting ill? No.

No, because that’s not what it’s there for.

Look, imo I don't think a custody arrangement should be so rigid that it defeats all common sense...

I'm not trying to "shirk" my responsibilities or not spend time with my children as pps have said. I would have happily had the kids for longer to "make up" the time.

PP hit the nail on the head for me when they said it's not a game we take turns in- my turn your turn- it's three children's lives... and their extended families I.e my household and dads household.

Like I've said I've happily kept them longer when we've had covid and other illnesses before to prevent spread... that to me just seems like common sense and the decent thing to do... rather than potentially make their Dad, his partner and their two other children ill as well as us? Coughs and colds minor illnesses no, we just carry on.

We've also happily swapped holidays at times when I would be off work but he would be working but it fell on "his time"... which meant that instead of the children sitting in holiday club while he was working I could take them out and spend time with them. Which is better for the kids. I didn't just go "no sorry it's not my time".

Some people treat custody arrangements like a timeshare with strangers on a villa in Spain. These are two people who once cared about each other enough to have children - they will share those children forever. Barring abusive situations, you'd think there'd be enough feeling to not want to deliberately make a baby sick, when it could easily be prevented.
He's not being asked to look after someone else's kids, only his own for an extra couple of days.