Ex sending DC back sick?

[nc235]

Is it okay and just part of co-parenting?

50/50 arrangement, 3 DC.

Ex has just taken them on holiday for a week, lovely for them all.

Have been returned today and 2/3 children have sickness and diarrhoea. Oldest child who is a teen says this began on the last night of the holiday.

Ex has not mentioned prior to dropping kids back, we usually get along pretty well although issues historically.

Have not said anything yet, but WIBU to ask why he didn't tell me? And is it reasonable to send them back with a sickness bug or would you usually try and keep that to one house (as I imagine I would do)?

I think he should have offered to keep them at his tbh. It's a dick move imo to send kids back to household where there's a baby,, if a good alternative option exists.

I think he should have offered to keep them as his was the household who’d already been exposed to the bug. It was pretty inconsiderate to bring them back to you and not say anything, and it was mean to drag two poorly kids out in a car.

I hope you and the baby don’t catch it.

This exactly. It's all about him and "his work". Yanbu OP.

So to update. I've been up all night with D & V of course.

The worst part was hearing my baby cry for a feed and being stuck on the toilet and hearing her get more and more distressed, knowing there is no one else to attend to her.

I'm just praying that this doesn't pass on to her.

But most of you think I'm unreasonable even though this could have easily been avoided.

So sorry @nc235 I hope it passes quickly and today isn't too dreadful.

I certainly don't think you were being unreasonable x

No need to be so horrible about it, geez!

That sounds stressful OP. He should have warned you.

But I would definitely want my kids back to look after them.

Get well soon though. X

Sorry to hear you have it too. Take no notice of the spiteful comments. You are not being unreasonable and this could have been avoided. Why wouldn’t you be considerate and try and contain the illness to one household? Heartbreaking about your baby. I do hope you feel better soon.

I’d definitely rather have mine with me where I could look after them, rather than at their dads when he’s working and not really paying attention. Baby or no new baby (and to be fair your kids could have easily got sick on your time and left you in the exact same situation - it’s just part of life).

i know loads of separated parents and all they seem to do is argue amongst themselves about who gets more time without the kids. I even know one who was so belligerent about it that she refused to pick up her 9 year old from school when she was unwell and her dad was unavailable because “it’s not my tiiiiime”. Dads new girlfriend picked her up instead.

Sad all round.

I don't want time without my kids. I didn't want 50/50 really but my exh went to court for it years ago. I was always the main while he worked away so it was difficult to get used to.

I can't look after them well now, because I'm also ill. I can barely lift my baby.

I know kids can bring illnesses home at any time, I've been parenting for a fair while now!

But if that's what had happened I wouldn't have even made this thread.

The way I see it is their Dad has knowingly and inconsiderately passed an unpleasant illness into my house which was completely avoidable.

I don't think you are unreasonable for three reasons: he should have told you, it's not fair to the kids to make them travel when I'll and infection control. Have you tested for COVID? Latest variant is often presenting with d and v. (Got it now,.) Hope you're all feeling better soon.

nc235

But most of you think I'm unreasonable even though this could have easily been avoided.

Yes, nasty people who didn't answer OP's question to her liking, you just go away and feel guilty now poor OP is poorly.
Sorry, OP, but that sounds really childish.

OP, you said your husband had to go to court to get 50/50 childcare. What would have happened if he hadn't? There would have still been occasions - more, presumably - when you'd have to look after all your children while one or more was ill.
I realise you're breastfeeding but could your new baby's father provide any input eg by being available between feeds to help settle them - it would free up a bit of toilet time for you, at least.

I agree your ex should have pre-warned you though.

I would have thought for most people it is a common courtesy not to spread unpleasant illnesses between households. That's not being childish.

New baby's father is not involved so that isn't an option.

You seem quite set on being a martyr about having to care for your baby solo.

The ex should have told you about the sickness but it's not his concern you have another baby tbh.

What if he'd brought them home then they'd started being sick 2hrs later? You couldn't return them to him because you are caring for a baby solo.

I get it - I'm a single parent but sometimes these things happen. It's shite and I get how bad it feels but it will pass.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all OP! I would hate my kids being away without me, and I’d be missing them, but on a logical level I’d still want sickness to stay in one place and not spread. As you’ve said, you’ve kept them when there’s been covid etc it’s just part of considerate and fair coparenting.

It would be like me saying ok I’m sending my kid into nursery with d&v because I’ve paid for nursery and it’s their day to go and I have work. No. It’s not how things work. If he’s got them while they’re unwell, being a decent parent means you take on dealing with that, no matter how inconvenient.

@CremeEggOverload

"What if he'd brought them home then they'd started being sick 2hrs later? You couldn't return them to him because you are caring for a baby solo."

This is just something you've completely invented and not what I've said at all. Or even close. Of course I wouldn't expect to hand them back if they became ill while in my care because I parent a baby solo

He's handed the children over while they were already sick...

Now I reckon if I put my children who were suffering from D & V in the car and took them and dropped them off at their Dads because it's now "his time". I'd be called a pretty rubbish mother on here.

To be fair if they were away on holiday, they'd have to travel home whatever, so making them travel is not relevant.

I wouldn’t say anything because it was your time to have them. Just be grateful they’re home and cope with what comes next. They may not have been as ill when with dad. Might have just been beginning. Maybe he had commitments he needed to keep rather than look after sick kids. All reasonable since it was your contact time.

There was literally a thread on here the other day where the OP was a mum whose ex had refused to have his kids for while they were sick.

The vast majority of people said 'They're his kids, it's his time with him, he has to deal with them being ill, because that's part of being a parent, he can't just opt out whenever they're ill.' So no, I don't think you'd be slated at all if your situation was reversed.

Looking after your children when they're ill is simply part of being a parent. I'm sorry you caught their bug, but again, this is part of being a parent (and it's not your ex's fault that you had another baby, and any difficulties you have caring for your baby while you're unwell is very much not his problem).

He should have told you they'd been ill, but I really don't think it's reasonable to suggest that he shouldn't return them to you 'to keep it to one household' when the very nature of 50-50 parenting is that the children divide their lives between both households.

I would be asking to be told if they are returning sick, you may also need supplies for the children before they return if they have certain illnesses.
If it is contiguous.
Will you need to book doctor appointments etc.
Can they stay on for extra days to prevent it from spreading, and they can recover.
Vice versa.
Have a chat and ask for him to communicate if need be when they are sick.

OP I think you're right and I think he should have kept them until they were well as I am sure you would have done. You have a little baby there for whom you are the sole carer and some attention to that wouldn't have gone amiss. You should have at least had the choice but that obviously why you weren't told, so you didn't have a choice.

@nc235 Personally I think the children's dad acted poorly and should at least have told you. However, I would recommend prepping yourself for being ill. Get a supermarket delivery with cleaning supplies and easy to cook food in case you become ill. This way you don't have to worry about cooking or popping out to the shops in order to feed the children. On another note, when my dc was 3 months old, I had an awful d&v bug. I continued to breastfeed throughout and just made sure I kept my fluids up. My dc didn't get the bug. Hopefully both of you will not get it but you will cope if you do. I'm saying this as a solo parent as well.