My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

are you really all that hard up? Aunt was the only rich one in the family? I do doubt that tbh. Think you’re all probably quite well off and are a bit jealous.

With parents, if there's multiple children, it's only fair to divide up the estate equally between the children.

I disagree. Parents may wish to leave a bigger share as an acknowledgment of sacrifice (if one of the children has taken on responsibility for their care, for example).

It's time off and AIBUs will get absolutely wild

Tough one. Yes your aunt was not particularly thoughtful playing favourites like that. I would be pretty peeved, being honest most of us would be, though not being equal with the younger generation is where I'm more sympathetic rather than not giving to parents and sibling.

But you have 2 choices, put it behind you or let it breed resentment. My advice, apologise to your dd.

Longer term I would strongly suggest you recommend your dd gets good financial planning advice because from what you have written she's likely to burn through it quickly and make bad choices.

She hasn't done anything wrong but I wouldn't have spent quite so much on one property and all those holidays - she will run out! I'd have bought a decent place for myself and invested the rest.
But hey she has had a very fortunate start and it's natural the others feel envious. They need to learn to deal with it.

Make sure your daughter had good financial advice on how to invest the remaining funds. I hope she uses it to make her future secure. Too many new clothes and holidays will quickly burn through the remaining 400k if she’s not careful.

Your DD is NOT greedy. She has been very generous gifting money she could have kept for herself to her brother, cousins, you, her uncle and grandparents. You said grandparents did not want more money from your DD. I live in the Midlands and £50k is enough for a deposit for a house. Your DD was very much loved by your Aunt. Maybe she didn't love other nephews and nieces as much. You did say your DD spent a lot of time with her. Stop blaming your DD and being nasty to her. The rest of the family should be very grateful to her for doing the deed of variation. She didn't have to do that.

You mean like her mother, brother and cousins are doing?

She was generous in sharing when she didn’t have to. She inherited that money by virtue of the close relationship she had with her aunt. No one else has any entitlement to that money, and then being jealous doesn’t mean she’s done anything wrong.

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family

I think you and your DSs have irreparably damaged your family with your greed and Jealousy.

I can see both sides to some extent. 1.9 million is a lot of money. It's the kind of money people hope to win on the lottery and I think I personally would have given my own generation a bit more if I were in the DD's shoes. Keeping a million and splitting the rest would still have left her very well off (for example).

One set of cousins in my generation inherited everything from a great-uncle). Nobody actually knows why (speculation he wanted to leave it to males only) but out of seven great-nephews and nieces, these two got everything. It wasn't on the same scale, but it was still quite a bit of money. Even split between everyone in our generation, it would have been a good house deposit for each cousin. They followed the will and didn't share anything. It does feel unfair when you're overlooked like that. That said, I have a good relationship with one of the cousins who inherited (don't dislike the other, or anything, just get on quite well with one in particular) and although it stung a bit, I would never make my cousin feel awkward about it because I value our relationship.

I would have felt really awkward if it had been the other way around and I would probably have split it with everyone. Though of course that's easy to say when it's just hypothetical. And I recognise that I'm a terrible people-pleaser.

OP, your DD did a good thing. She didn't have to share. Could she have given everyone more? Yes - but she was under no obligation to. If the rest of the family is making her uncomfortable about it, that is for the rest of the family to get over.

She should have shared none of it to any of you. Your daughter I mean.
Give her back that which she gave and be happy for her. Not resentful. Too late to go back and build a relationship with the dead.

Your daughter can spend her money how she wants to and she didn't have to give any of you a penny piece. Yes, your family will never be the same but that's because of the greed and jealousy of the rest of you. Personally I wouldn't be spunking that sort of money as one day it may all be gone but it's your daughter's choice and I'd try harder to be happy for her or you'll lose her 😔

Well I'm childfree and have several nieces and nephews...............

I think I'll leave my entire estate to Dogs Trust!

Why don't you give the 50k you got to your son OP?

Why can't you see that your dd had a very close relationship with her Aunt and the others didn't?

I think your dd was extremely generous in her gifts to you ungrateful lot.
I wouldn't blame her if she went NC with the whole lot of you. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Given your DD spent the most time with her aunt I don't think it unreasonable she treated her like her own DD. So she wasn't bound to share any of it especially if she doesn't get on with her sibling. YABU. Probably best not to go on about it if you want to maintain a good relationship.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

I'd try practising gratefulness as she really didn't have to do this.

Presumably DD spent time because she liked Aunty not for nefarious reasons so it's not her fault and she's been fair in many respects while still respecting her aunts wishes.

Aunt could have left money entirely outside family - she made a choice to leave it to her favoured relative one who spent time with her - I can see why it's causes upset but her money her choice.

Frankly I think wider family should try very hard not to be resentful or risk losing all contact with DD - possibly easier said than done but I do think blaming DD is unfair.

I would suspect that the Aunt's message was more along the lines of "dd has spent time with me and I have come to love her as a dd" rather than "she's my favourite".

I'd also suspect from the Op's posts that her ds is by far and away her favourite, and probably Aunt (and certainly the dd) knew it.

Think you should all be thankful that she gave you any. If she comes across this and reads it, then she shouldn't waste any more time on you ungrateful lot and enjoy what she got for being a loving niece.

Everyone’s very generous, fair and even-handed with someone else’s money. If you were the one who inherited, I’m sure all the moral pontificating would come to very little once you realised everyone else was sticking their hands out. Remember the recent thread about a friend who won the lottery, and the OP was disgruntled that they hadn’t shared it? It’s the same thing. Hypothetically very easy to say you’d just dole it out to all and sundry, not so easy when the cold hard is in your bank account letting you be set up for life…or of course you could split it with people you don’t even like…hmm, tough call…

Sure, there are cases like that.

But on the whole, there is more understandable pressure on parents to share their estate equally between their children than there is on extended family members like aunts/uncles.

Everyone’s very generous, fair and even-handed with someone else’s money.

Sadly very true.

So she have £50k to someone she doesn't like and they're moaning ...... really?

I can see why she doesn't like him if he goes on like that.

I am afraid I agree with this.

She gifted away money that was rightfully and lawfully hers. And quite a substantial sum each too.

Was she pressured into the Deed of variation?

I’m utterly appalled that you and your parents would take anything from her. You sound like a bunch of grabby cunts.

I think you’re all going to have to accept that your Aunt had a close relationship with your DD that went back years and the relationship probably meant a lot to your Aunt. It sounds as if she didn’t really know your son or her other nephews. Perhaps yourself and your brother weren’t close to her either?

It is perfectly understandable that your Aunt wanted to leave her Estate to someone she was close to and not just connected by blood. She left a letter explaining her reasons. If she had wanted to leave anything to the rest of you, she would.

Y

You've said yourself your son never wanted to stay with her or share hobbies with her. Your DD did.