My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

What greedy bastards you all are. She’s given you a sixth of her inheritance between you and you’re still not satisfied. Your aunt really had the measure of you lot, didn’t she?

This is a really difficult one and unfortunately money does cause arguments and resentment in families. I can see both sides however ultimately your aunt left her entire estate to your daughter - however unfair this may feel it was her wishes. Your daughter was under no obligation to split the money equally and she’s given a generous amount to each of you.
Im sorry it’s caused a rift in the family and I hope you can all love past this

What do you think you DD should have done op?
She had generously given money to family members that legally she didn't need to do.
I think if you actually write here what you want it might show you that the greed is not on your DD's part

I think this is a really tricky situation and can see why it has caused discord. On the one hand, perhaps the biger hand, it's your aunt's money and her choice, your aunt saw your daughter as her grandchild and they had a closer relationship then your aunt did with the others. However, leaving a legacy of that size is life changing and I couldn't imagine doing the same. I'm an aunt, and not a mother, and will have a lot to leave behind, but it makes the most sense to me to divide it evenly amongst all parties. There's one person I would like to leave less to, but rather than doing that I added in some friends.

Agreed

Your DD is not the greedy one here, she’s given away over a quarter of a million pounds and you’re all bitching that it’s not enough?!

You, your brother, your son and your brother's sons have agency. Your Aunt's inheritance does not. If your family is being torn apart then it is your behaviour and reaction to the good fortune of the person who gave you all a cumulative quarter of a million pounds that is doing it, not your Aunt's will.

Well if that's the case I think he was lucky to get 50k off your daughter because I wouldn't have given him anything in your daughter's case. I wouldn't be sharing a massive inheritance, even if unfairly inherited with my cousins or siblings unless we got on well.

Although I still understand his resentment of the unfairness of the situation that your aunt has unfortunately created

I think there is an obligation on parents and grandparents to treat children/grandchildren fairly and equally.

I really don't think the same applies to aunts/uncles etc. It's a different type of relationship.

It looks as if the aunt had a very clear understanding of the personalities in the family.

How utterly joyless to be able to find it within yourself to resent your own daughter, specially one who has shown herself to be generous with her time and attention to her aunt and her money to her ungrateful family members.

Money generally brings out peoples true colours. You now know your dd's, as does her brother and the rest of the family.

Yes, the aunt was entitled to do what she wanted, your dd wasn't legally obliged to give any away bla bla bla. If you're living your life within the confines of a legal textbook, this approach is fine.

In real life, such huge disparity in an inheritance causes upset, anger, resentment and sees families break apart. Your dd is either unintelligent enough to not realise this (doubtful) or she knows this and just doesn't care, because money.

People who put money ahead of everything else rarely end up truly happy ime.

It's sour grapes unfortunately. I hope you treat her fairly when she inherits from you.

The rest of the family need to butt out and stop being greedy fuckers. I bet she regrets giving you all anything now. It wasn't her fault the auntie left it to her. Be happy that your daughter has been set up for life!

She gave away £50K to a brother she doesn’t like.

Seems like you daughter inherited kindness from her great aunt - maybe you should take that away.

So you dropped dd off for several weeks over summer holidays most years? Dd and aunt went abroad together a lot? She wasn’t aunts favourite, it sounds more like a substitute mother and daughter relationship that they both enjoyed and that you willingly facilitated. Aunt has been very instrumental in raising your dd and has treated her like a daughter at the end too .

i agree - the family needs to get over themselves and move on or lose the relationship you have woth your dd.

Sounds like the aunt had your numbers tbh. Spot on as well

She gave away £300,000 and people are complaining? WOW

My FIL is worth a few Million. Guess how much he's given to DH and SIL? A big fat zero. And SIL is on the breadline. She's so poor she can't turn the heating on in winter. Meanwhile, FIL takes several long haul holidays a year, lives in a mansion, has several cars and thinks nothing of spending £500 on dinner. Now THAT'S meanness!

@Sunnydays0101

Both went to uni, both work, both equally hard working, I won't deny that!

One of my brothers inherited my unmarried and childless uncle’s farm. It’s probably worth a couple of million at least. I’m not jealous as it’s a huge responsibility to farm and keep it in the family. Admittedly if it had been £2 million in cash I may have had a different opinion.
Try not to let this come between you all. She’s your daughter. It’s not her fault. She gave her brother’s enough for a deposit on a property.

Well, that's a tough one to get one's head around. Imagine feeling this way about your own daughter. You are all incredibly ungrateful and you should be embarrassed.

Funny there was a thread on here about a lottery win. I said no matter how much you give to friends/family to share they will always want more. Better to not tell them in the first place.

Rather than being thanked for the money she didn't have to give them she is now being classed as bad for spending her money how she likes.

I think you are right. Your family will never be the same. But that is down to your behaviour not hers.

So yes, your daughter did put effort into her relationship with your aunt whereas your son didn’t.

So basically your son has gained 50k from two women - one he made no effort with (your aunt) and one he doesn’t like (his sister). That’s a pretty fortunate position to be in!

Do you favour your son over your daughter, OP? That's the only explanation I can find for you reacting in this way.

I’d think of this a different way. If your aunt and uncle had had one child of their own, the wider family probably wouldn’t have received a penny. You’re all extremely lucky that you’ve received any of the money that THEY had-none of you had any “right”
to it at all.

Through your DD’s generosity, everyone's received a generous gift, which shows what a nice person she is. Be thankful that you have a daughter like that and tell your son that he’s lucky to have a nice sister.

Honestly, it sounds as if you all want your DD to bankroll you, which is horrible.

And this is why they say that money is the root of all evil.

I've told my grandparents to do an equity release of their home (which is mortgage free);they should enjoy their retirement on the hard earned money they put into their home.

As far as I'm concerned no one in my family should be entitled to anything in their estate when they die.