My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

She didn't have to give a penny of her money to anyone.

It was her aunt's wishes that she inherit her estate. Such is life. The aunt has zero obligation to treat anyone equally in her will. Aunts and extended family members are not second parents to children-thus, there's zero obligation to fairly divvy the estate up between the children.

Maybe your sons and the cousins never got off their arse to create a relationship with their aunt and your daughter did. Which is how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

As for the "irreparable damage" that's not on the aunt-that's on you lot being ungrateful. Why are the cousins struggling to buy a property of their own after they received £50k? That's a hefty deposit-have you checked what they're spending that money on the way you are checking what your DD is spending HER money on?

Honestly, the ingratitude in your post makes me wish that your DD hadn't been kind at all to the lot of you and given you nothing.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Effectively?? That's your summary. I'd like to know exactly what was said, not because I'm nosey but because I suspect the actual wording was more revealing.

I would suggest that the aunt saw your DD as the daughter she never had and that's what the letter referred to. Your son didn't want to spend time with his aunt, your daughter did. Did any of the the affronted relatives have much to do with her or did they leave her alone while inwardly looking forward to their inheritance? DD gave her aunt her time, aunt has given DD her money.

I know you can't give an entire history in a thread but think about the family dynamics more widely and maybe you'll see why aunt felt that way.

Not very close, they don't like each other!!

I think your aunt would have been far kinder to everyone to gVe just split it all evenly.

I am not surprised this has caused huge upset.

And I am shocked everyone thinks the rest should just be fine with it. There's a whole world between struggling to buy/pay a mortgage and living rent free.

She's essentially had a huge lottery win and that would inevitably be divisive.

Something similar happened in my family and we are all over the moon for the person who inherited. It has been life changing and we are so happy to see her finally not have to worry about money and to be able to improve her home. There is absolutely 0 jealousy.
I have already told my family member to spend the lot and do not leave a penny to anyone. Enjoy it and do as she wishes while in good health.
It's likely il be up in charge of her estate because I'm closest to her and the most financially secure and honestly I don't want it. I want my family member to live forever. If my brothers or cousins fight over it like your family they are welcome to it. It's not my money.
I doubt anyone will be jealous. My family have various levels of wealth and we are just happy for others fortune.
This is awful. I'd be happy for my dd and be telling my ds to get a grip. They didn't bother with aunt, you reap what you sow.

Wow this was so bad of the aunt to do this. I would be resentful too.

I wouldn't expect to inherit money from Aunt or Uncle, childless or not.

I'd be ecstatic with an unexpected 50k overnight - I also live in the Midlands and the first thing I'd do is put it towards a house deposit.

How your daughter has spent this is exactly how I would too, tbh. She has invested it in an asset, reduced need to work more hours, generously gave you all a good chunk of money and is now enjoying the rest of it for pleasure.

Fair play to her and if as you say, the house is in a bit of a state, you can expect she'll be spending a fair amount on doing it up.

So actually all told, she isn't enjoying that much of it for leisure. She could probably have done with that 250k she gave you all for restoration works.

So she was pretty generous in giving him anything then. Why on earth should she have to give away money that was left to her to someone that she doesn't even like? I think £50k was pretty generous given that they don't get on.

I can't imagine ever feeling resentful of my daughter.

It seems your daughter gave more of her time and emotion to her great aunt than any of the rest of you; if you don't give equally then you can't expect to receive equally.

You might have something of a gripe had she kept the lot, as it is she was very generous in what she shared out.

I think you owe your daughter an apology, and a commitment to drop this grudge and move on. Tell the rest of your family it is done, and you won't be discussing it with them any further.

To what extent did your DD make the effort Vs your aunt favour her, choose activities that were tailored to her and then your son opted out?

E.g. if your DD was into tennis and your DS wasn't and she invited both of them as children down to stay but to go to tennis camp, I don't think that's really a fair thing to do with kids. When relatives have my kids to stay, they choose activities that suit both of them or do a mix.

If it was more like that, I can see where he's coming from more.

I have no children, and six nephews/nieces. I do not intend to leave them equal shares of my estate. They will inherit according to their personal relationship with me. There is nothing unfair about that.

You've answered your own question there."son didn't want to go".
I think you all should consider yourselves lucky she gave what she did because she was under no obligation to do so.
If it were me I would have nothing to do with any of you. Greedy vultures.

Also surprised by the responses. The advice given with wills on here is always to divide equally otherwise it can tear families apart.

What did your DD and her sibling do after school - did they all work hard at school, go to Uni or into an apprenticeship, etc? Are they all working ?

I don't understand your shock, personally.

As far as I can see, the only reason anyone would be shocked was if they believed that they were entitled to that money. The reality is, they weren't entitled to any of it, so what is there to be shocked about?

If it had been a lottery win, would you also be shocked if she chose not to share that equally with a brother who doesn't even like her?

What a terrible mother you are. She gave you 50 grand. You sound like an ungrateful c$nt.. I hope your daughter goes NC with the lot of you..

Your family's greed is what is ruining your family. Your DD didn't have to share at all so be grateful that she was generous.

She was closer to the DD than the others.

A lot of the posters here (who would probably behave as greedily and bitterly as the OP) who are saying the aunt has been unfair are looking at this from the angle of a parent. Not the angle of an aunt.

With parents, if there's multiple children, it's only fair to divide up the estate equally between the children.

With extended family members, they don't have to do that. The aunt was childless and as such-can choose who she wanted to benefit in her will and that could have been divided up equally-but there's zero legal or even moral obligation to do so.

In this instance, she had a close relationship with the DD and wanted to leave her estate wholly to her. DD kindly shared some of her inheritance (and not pittance that OP is acting like a toddler about) with her family-£300k is a hefty sum-when she didn't need to.

And she shouldn't have shared a penny. None of them deserve it.

So she is the family member closest to the aunt- chose to spend time with her etc.

I think you have all assumed it was coming to you and are disappointed, so taking that out on your DD.

Actually it could have gone to the donkey sanctuary, or to set up a scholarship for tennis juniors, or all sorts.

You also don’t know your DDs longer term plans- maybe she knows things or has planned things you don’T know about.

Id consider buying a veins property as a holiday home and allowing family to use it, or taking family on holiday with me.

Obviously not now, hearing how you’ve been with her.

None of you are entitled to a penny really. It's not money you earned or worked for.

If someone came to you tomorrow and said they wanted to just give you 50k, I doubt you'd question their finances and think yourself entitled to more if they were rich enough.

You may think Aunt's choice to leave her estate to DD unfair but that was her choice. She had her reason's I'm sure. You are still 50k better off than you would have been - for doing absolutely nothing other than happening to be related to someone. Maybe consider being more grateful for what you have than jealous you didn't get more free money.

I understand her siblings and cousins feeling this way. But to resent your own daughter? Disgusting.

If you were in any way reasonable as a parent you'd be warning her that she's only set for life if she's careful with the money, and you'd be worrying about her level of spending. Not sitting stewing jealously over it.

Not very close, they don't like each other!!

Yet she gave him 50 grand? Such a lovely, generous girl!

No good deed goes unpunished eh?

Wow!

This has to be a reverse. The niece is reaping the rewards of her frequent visits to her great aunt, good for her - or you OP? You’re not really this bitter jealous person are you @Afana ? You’re the daughter wanting reassurance that your mum is being grasping.