My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

This has definitely been posted about before. It's not your daughter's fault she inherited so much. She's given you l, the resenters, a very generous sum each. The relationship will only be destroyed if YOU ALL allow it. Quite frankly, you sound grabby and ungrateful.

You all sound vile @Afana. She didn't have to give you anything.

I have sympathy for your view but the way forward here is to let this go - be the person who brings peace to this situation not further resentment.

The money has now been gifted - I think your aunt was unwise to do this is such an unbalanced way - but - its done now.

I have seen similar in other families and OP - it can only tear you apart as a family if YOU let it. Be the responsible adult here.

Enjoy your lives, stop hankering after the money your daughter was left - laugh and see that money really will be the root of all eveil if you let this get to you

as a parent - just think ok my daughter is happy - she has taken what was left to her - we are all going to forgte it now and move on.

Why?

He's got a house deposit.

If he's sensible but needs financial help at another time then his sister may help him.

That's what my family tend to do.

Entitled much! The money was never your right, bloody lucky you got anything.

give the money back to your DD, she is following her aunts wishes and quite obviously your putting your jealousy and greed over your dd.

i don’t blame her for leaving, it’s disgusting behaviour and you and your family should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

your Aunt and your daughter have done nothing wrong technically, but when inheritances are divided like this, to favour one person, the ripples continue down through the generations. Assuming that your Aunt got on well with all of you
and there was no animosity, the moral thing would be to split it more evenly, perhaps with a slightly greater proportion or a personal bequest to your dd such as her jewellery etc.
I can see why people are taking
your Aunt/dds side, but if I was you, your son and the other nephews, I'd be so upset

It was your Aunt’s decision to leave her estate to your niece, who was kind enough to give her relatives a generous amount. She didn’t have to do this.

I think the only thing your DD has made a mistake with is telling you all how she’s been spending her money. How exactly is she being greedy - she has accepted her inheritance - she has given her cousins and brother what amounts to a nice contribution to a house deposit.

What were you all saying to her that she felt she had to leave early?

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

How are they struggling to buy when they’ve been given £50k?

I agree with everyone it was very kind of your daughter to share some of what she had, if she has spent a million, given a chunk away and is spending a lot it won't last long. Put it to bed it's not worth losing your daughter is it?

A bit off topic, but where did your DD find a 2-bed near Hyde Park for a million?

I want that estate agent!

1.9 million was always going to massively change family life for everyone.
Surely buying a property in London has swallowed a good chunk of her inheritance.
Plus she gave away just under 1/5th of inheritance when she didn't have to.

Nope, not your aunt but you and your family's choice to treat your daughter like crap over a decision made by someone else. She had no control over her aunt's will. You all need to grow up and stop being envious of a 24 year old. I'd be ecstatic if one of my kids got this lucky. No way would I think the best response to my daughter's stroke of good luck is to make her life hell.

But presumably you have raised your kids to understand that life isn't always fair, and you would be doing your best to help your sons move beyond any perceived unfairness, rather than helping to fuel their sense of injustice?

Surely in that situation, most parents would be pointing out that none of the dc were entitled to the aunt's inheritance and that your dd received it because she was closer to her aunt when she was alive. And you would be helping your sons to see that she didn't actually need to give them any of the money at all?

What would have happened if your daughter had just made a huge amount of money or won the lottery? Would that have ‘ruined the family’ too?

It’s not uncommon for family members to have different income levels. And she has been quite generous in gifting everyone else money.

What exactly are you thinking your daughter should do?

If anything, I’d be warning her that she will be able to spend it very quickly if she is not careful cutting down her work etc so young.

I don't understand why you are resentful but I absolutely understand why your son is.

In your case she is your child and so I would be happy for my child. I understand why your son is resentful of her though 50k is a lot of money but it is very little compared to the amount she got and it really isnt fair that his aunt left her everything and him nothing.

It's not your daughter's fault but your aunt was extremely thoughtless to do this. This kind of thing does ruin families. The resentment your son has will probably cause a long term riff between him and his sister.

There's nothing like money to spoil a family.

Why don't people make their own way in the world snd stop arguing about other people's money.
Sounds like awful jealousy from those who didn't benefit.
Your daughter can give it away to whoever she wants, she isn't under any obligation at all.

It wasn't in the best state and in the area between Paddington and Hyde Park, not sure of the exact amount but not much more than a million!

I have sympathy @Afana. It was obviously her right to leave it all to your daughter, but she must have known there would be a fallout. Of course it was nice of your dd to share some of it, but the rest of you wouldn’t be human to not be a little peeved at the very least. If I were you, I’d be glad she was obviously set for life, but heartbroken for your son. It will be really hard for him to live with the inequality, but my view might be different if he had taken no notice of your aunt while she was alive.

this is it, exactly

I probably would have brought my brother a property and treated my parents more but her choice I guess.
I'd make sure she has a good financial advisor so she doesn't burn through it

Being jealous is only human but it’s your job to manage that and as one of the “adults” you should be encouraging your other children to let go of their resentment. They were always going to have varying amounts of money. Your aunt was entitled to leave her money to whoever she wished.

Yes she was closer to my aunt but this was due to shared hobbies (tennis, they went to Wimbledon together and had travelled to the other grand slams) and my daughter being geographically closer rather than her putting more effort in.

It did start when she was a child as my son never wanted to go, so we would drop DD off for a couple of weeks in the summer and my aunt would take her to her tennis club.

Don’t you realise you are the greedy ones?!

Vultures. You’ve forgotten whose she is and just see her things.

Honestly if it were me I would have given a bit more. I think she could have afforded to offer 100k-200k to the other cousins and her brother for example.

However, she was not obligated to and she would have been within her rights to keep the lot so given that what’s done is done I’d be inclined to try and appreciate what she did share rather than focus on what she didn’t.