My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

Actually, saying the OP's DD has shared £50,000. She hasn't. She has given her mother, uncle, brother and two cousins £50k each. Who were not bothered to spend time with their G-aunt during her life. So she has given away £275k to her generation who did not make any effort during the great aunt's life, unasked.

Hmm sounds very much like it. The vultures in my family are already circling even though I'm only in my 50's and don't plan on leaving that much behind anyway.

My grandparents left everything to my sister and I. My mother felt it was unfair as there are another three siblings after us, but they didn't bother much with our grandparents when they were alive, whilst my sister and I spent time with them, helped them as they got older and showed an interest in them as people and not just someone to borrow money off (which was never returned of course).

We didn't even realise that they owned their house, so it was a surprise when we found that we were left it jointly. It wasn't much (it sold for about £40K) but we had enough for deposits on our first hoises and we're forever grateful to our grandparents.

The others still bitch about it to this day 🤷‍♀️

I only read your first 3 posts.

i wonder why you allowed your daughter from such a young age to be groomed into a surrogate daughter by the aunt?

You don’t seem cross about this; only the inequality of the dispersal of the will?

Maybe they’ll be the ones to feel awful because they’ve alienated themselves from her through their own bitterness.

I imagine she’ll be perfectly fine, given that it doesn’t sound like she was particularly close to them anyway. She’s building her own life elsewhere, whereas they’re marinating in their bitterness in the midlands.

Your aunt seems to have seen herself in your daughter, with whom she shared a genuine relationship. She clearly brought her joy. In return, your aunt has given your daughter opportunities and above all the means to continue her way of life. You should be happy for your daughter.

The OP offered her Grandparents £25,000, she offered more but they didn’t want more. In all of this, they are the only ones that could be miffed about the Will but obviously aren’t. One of these Grandparents is obviously a sibling of the Aunt, so you would think that sibling would be the natural person to inherit.

But the Aunt wanted to leave her Estate to her grand niece and she did and that is that. She had her reasons and the OP’s DD gave them all a generous amount from her inheritance.

People can debate until the cows come home about whether this inheritance, and OP's DD's variation of it, were just. But far more world-shatteringly important is the fact that it is up to you, OP, and your family whether or not this is going to destroy your family.

Hopefully the hypocrisy of doing this won't be missed by the Daughter.

I'd like to hear the daughter's version of this.... I'd bet they weren't in the least bit jokey & in fact were quite mean and insulting. The poor daughter 😢

If I wasn't going to leave our estate to our child (I shall) I would have split it equally between my sister's children. I would not leave a hairy red cent to my DP's sister's children who only ever turned up for a holiday handout.

You need to let this go, it wasn’t your DD’s decision to inherit this money. She has already been generous, you will just push her away with jealous comments nitpicking her. You clearly think that you should have inherited more directly but unfortunately this wasn’t your money or your decision.

@Chattywatty I think I agree with you.

Was it your parents she offered more to or everyone? If only former, then personally I would like to think I would split it with a bit to my parents, then evenly between my sibling, cousins and me. I think leaving all to one of the next generation is not equitable.

You can give your 50K to your son.

Can't you?

My late DH was married before.

When the first grandchild was born, we were told that I was too young to be 'Gran'. (NB There was the same age difference between the grandchild's parents...and no, I didn't break up the first marriage.)

DH suggested that I could be 'Aunty'. Nope. Apparently, the kid had 'plenty of aunties' - the mother's Sil and the mother's best pal. It was up to the parents, I reckoned, but I know that DH was a bit hurt. Not our call, however.

A few years later, DH's ex lost her partner suddenly. He left everything to the ex. Understandable, I thought.

The grandchild's father had a bit too much to drink one night, and began to complain that nothing had been left to the grandchild. According to him, there was an obligation to do so, since the grandchild had called the ex 'Grandad'.

That was when I realised that they wouldn't expect me to leave anything to the grandchild.

Angels tears bring men to live

I don’t think the rest of the family should or could reasonably expect to inherit a penny from an aunt, or a great aunt. As neither could the daughter. But since the aunt did decide to leave her estate to her family, she shouldn’t have singled one person out like that. If she wanted to give the girl a little more, sure thing, that would be ethically fine, but to give it all to one family
member and not a penny to anyone els is a recipe for family conflict and I’d like to see the real life family where this wouldn’t have created tension.

I bet you wouldn't have complained if YOUR aunt (as you keep saying, as if that means you owned her or something) had left it all to YOU.

That's what has ruined your family.

YOU.

You are encouraging, or at least allowing the other family members to feel as if they've been deprived of something because you are so bitterly jealous that somebody else benefitted rather than you.

A decent mother might indulge in a bit of 'wish it had been me', but wouldn't allow other family members to bully her own daughter over the fact that someone she genuinely had a close relationship with left her money.

She might have been YOUR aunt, but she wasn't YOUR cash cow, which is how you seem to have seen her.

Exactly. Unequal wills always lead to conflict. Just bad karma.

One thing she clearly isn’t, is poor 😅😅

This is pretty much where I stand as well.

It was the great aunt's money, free and presumably unemcumbered by debt. She was entirely within her rights to leave her money to whomsoever she wanted. It was very thoughtful of the beneficiary to share 15% of her inheritance voluntarily across the family.

Maybe you should all focus on the advantages that you have due to dumb luck rather than the time you have missed out . So the boys were all on average going to earn £260k a year more than your daughter. And no one was breaking the family up over that. You will have generational advantages over your daughter (cheaper property prices, no student debt, more favourable economic climate).

It isn't fair but it's never fair. And why shouldn't a young woman benefit from that for once? She sounds like she brought joy to your aunt's life.

Same.

I’m intending to leave some money to a friend’s child - he has 2 siblings who I’ve never actually met. Surely no one is suggesting I should leave something to people who wouldn’t know me from Adam?

Her money, her choice.