My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

Not really. The aunt's husband died nine years earlier, presumably leaving everything to the aunt and the aunt would likely have had a mirror will. At the time of the husband's death the niece would have been 14.

I doubt the aunt made her new will immediately and it is likely that she altered her will in the last seven years. In this case, placing any money or assets in a trust will not protect them from inheritance tax.

It was the aunts choice, no issue in that at all. I think your dd has been incredibly generous- she could have both legally and morally kept every penny and no one had the right to the hump. I feel like the family would be less resentful if she was seen to be saving the lot and not enjoying herself, but the aunt told her to! I think everyone should enjoy what she gave, be grateful and leave it there

How much money is your relationship with your daughter worth to you?

Iv reqd your updates - You sound really bitter and seems you think you should have got the money.

Dd spent lots of time with aunt and lived with her during covid. Why are you so surprised she left dd everything.

You should be ashamed that you let people speak to your dd like they did in your home and her being greedy. I hope you hang your head in shame and give the other family members a telling off

I'd bet any money if ops ds had gotten the inheritance, not a word would be said about it and he certainly wouldn't be called greedy! It's very clear why your aunt gave your poor dd everything , she's the family scapegoat.

Everyone's entitled to their feelings and feeling aggrieved about the lack of fairness in this scenario is completely rational and justified. One child lives in a prime property mortgage free as a result of luck — not talent or skill or hard work — and the rest have to struggle to afford a mortgage. Feelings are feelings. People shouldn't have to shut up and suffer in silence if they don't want to in order to make the DD's fabulous wealthy life easier.

So in my family, I am your daughter. Uncle (suddenly childless due to his only child dying unexpectedly 3 months before he did) left me his house (in SE and worth about 1/3 of your aunt’s estate post-IHT. I gave my only brother a similar amount plus my parents got what your parents got. My parents were furious. I had a relationship with my uncle, my brother hadn’t seen him for 20-odd years. With hindsight, my brother is the favourite, the precious boy and that is why he should have inherited. It sours both ways, you know.

Hi OP,
I read a few pages of replies and then all of your posts.
For me it is simple. Your Aunt had money to leave as an inheritance - she could have left it to cancer research or a stray dog and she chose to leave it to your daughter who was her favorite relative. The only one she spent significant time with.

The inheritance became your daughters money (she accepted the inheritance) to do with whatever she likes. She gave a generous chunk away.

I would find it hard as a mum to see one child richer than the other - particularly suddenly rather than through hard work. That would be the case in a lottery win also for example. When the dust settles I might consider leaving all my own estate to my son (after chatting to both son and daughter) not because of loving them differently but because she has become mortgage free early in life and he might inherit at 60 and not be mortgage free - or even a homeowner.

What comes across really badly is to read you character assainating your aunt with the "everything had to be her way" etc while wanting her money. I expect your Aunt would feel her decision was the right one if she knew your opinion of her,

Similarly talking badly about your daughter "greedy" etc while accepting her 50k

If you don't respect your Aunt or Daughter how about you stop expecting/accepting their money?

Why shouldn't they?

They had zero relationship with the aunt. So, they should have had zero reason to expect that they would receive anything at all, let alone the £50k that they did receive.

Do people really feel entitled to receive money even from family members they didn't have a relationship with?

Sounding more and more like vultures as you "split it equally!" crew go on.

Ah, “my bad feeling must be appeased, and if it’s not it’s your fault! Definitely not mine, because I’m totally justified in believing myself entitled to money that was never mine to begin with”

Perhaps those condemning the aunt and daughter and proclaiming relationships to be more important than money should practice what they preach.

I think it's very mean-spirited of all of you to be jealous of your daughter 🙁 she gifted you all money when she didn't have to and the money was left to her as she was close to your aunt. Why shouldn't she treat herself to holidays and new clothes? She's allowed to enjoy having some money and do what she wants with it! I feel sorry for her that her own family can't be happy for her.

OP: Is it your aunt's choices that have destroyed your family or is it the envy/jealousy/resentment of you and other family members that is destroying it?

They were never owed fairness! It was entirely irrational and unjustified of them to consider themselves entitled to someone else’s money based on…what, exactly?

Feelings are feelings, yes. But your feelings aren’t automatically anyone else’s problem.

Would people expect OP’s DD to share equally if she’d won £1.9 million on the lottery? Not a particularly different situation, really.

Being jealous of your own daughter is really sad and also mean.

Your whole family sound very greedy. Respect your aunts wishes and be grateful your daughter is very generous

You need to make your own thread.

For people here doubting anyone would accept this in real life - my grandfather left over a million to one half of the family and £20,000 to the other (I was on the £20,000 side!) Nothing in the world would ever make me or my siblings - who shared the smaller amount - make digs at our cousins about their greed or new clothes when we get together at family gatherings! He was closer to them, and that's it.

One of my siblings then inherited a large sum through their in-laws and ended up with a gorgeous London house when I was struggling in the 2008 crash. What good would envy and resentment do me? I am not entitled to other people's money. I won't let envy poison my life or my relationships. I've worked hard to earn my own, without anything like the £50k gift the OP is so salty about, and I have peaceful happy family relationships and contentment. It's not being a saint or Gandhi or superhuman, it's possessing some maturity.

You’re obviously free to do that if you’re ever in that particular situation.

You are free to divide your estate equally amongst your neighbours, distant relatives that never wanted to visit you, the homeless guy at the train station… Bestow that luck equally.

And if you’re ever fortunate enough to receive any kind of inheritance you’ll obviously share your luck (or you’ve already done that if you’ve already inherited), right? One wouldn’t want to be greedy, would one?

Money is just money and allowing it to destroy relationships by valuing it so much and holding on to it, even at the costs of relationships, is not the right way to live.

precisely. OP and her DS ought to consider that!

It is only unfair if you believe all relatives have an equal claim on the estate of someone who dies simply by existing - which if someone has written a will - they don't.

There is no natural law of the universe that says you must split your estate equally between all your relatives else you are going against the natural order of things. You can leave your estate to whom you choose.

If you think that if someone dies childless all relatives should be entitled to an equal share and the person should not be allowed to make a will then lobby the government. I doubt this idea would get much support.

'Have to struggle to afford a mortgage' - with the £50k the OP's daughter gave them! Hardly a struggle!

Taking the people mentioned in the OP including the DD, that's seven people to split 1.9m. £271,000 each.

I wonder how many of the 'she should split it equally, it's only fair, it's what I'd do' posters would be happy to take the hit from £1.9m to £271k?

I mean your daughter gave people £50k, they're still unhappy, giving them nothing would've had the same result! She's a fool for giving them a penny, they think no more of her!

Interesting, its not as nice as the other one posted because its got not outside space, seems more cramped inside and yet is more money but cheaper service charge.

Im jealous of OPs daugher now, wheres my cut!!!!

While the aunt can do what she likes and the money is rightfully DD’s - in the same situation, although not such a large sum, I just shared it equally between my family.