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AIBU?

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Original poster

My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

994 replies

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:25

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 01/04/2024 19:43

You're greedy. She is entitled to her inheritance, it is not yours.

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:43

clairelouwho · 01/04/2024 19:25

It's rightful because that was that deceased relative's money and wishes.

You know-the only thing that matters in a Will and in inheritance.

You can tell who the vultures are in this thread a mile off.

Show quote history

Yea legallY speaking of course that’s right. But as someone much smarter than me once said, Justice has very little
do do with laws.
it was legally right, ethically unjust and unkind to everyone in the family, and essentially, also to the daughter, who end up suffering under the natural envy of family members. It’s almost as if the aunt wanted to split up the family from beyond the grave (it was just very immature and not very good at thinking things through)

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/04/2024 19:43

If leaving money to your children it should be equal. If leaving to anybody else it’s reasonable to leave money to those you like best. If your aunt wasn’t close to her nephews then it’s reasonable she didn’t leave them anything. It’s weird you say she was only close to your DD by her choice because only your DD shared interests. Shared interests are how genuine relationships develop! If she had nothing in common with anybody else no wonder your DD was the only one she felt close to. It sounds like you feel entitled to her money just based on blood ties alone, but reality is if you have no direct descendent then inheritance isn’t about blood, it’s about who you’re close to and who put the effort in. YABU.

NonPlayerCharacter · 01/04/2024 19:44

TheInfusionist · 01/04/2024 19:42

I'd be absolutely gutted if a sibling inherited 2 million quid and I got 50k and was meant to be grateful. Not sure I could be the bigger person very easily. How awful of your aunt to be so divisive.

How about if they came about the money some other way? If my brother marries a very wealthy woman, is he obliged to split anything with me?

If the issue was feeling slighted by the aunt, no gift from the heir will change that. She made her choice.

soupfiend · 01/04/2024 19:44

BandyMcBandface · 01/04/2024 19:32

This one’s a share of freehold, close to Hyde Park and less than a million. They definitely exist!

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/132625739#/?channel=RES_BUY

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Thats lovely and the service charges are 4k a year, far far less that most people's mortgages.

Cheesetoastiees · 01/04/2024 19:44

Afana · 01/04/2024 15:48

Some comments about greed were made and jokes about the money.

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How nasty, she’s given 50k to each of you (including a brother she dislikes!) and you call her greedy and are green eyed about it.

Why shouldn’t she be given the inheritance? She had a close relationship with her aunt (something you enabled as a child for her) which continued into adulthood. You generally leave your money/assets to those you are close to and no one else sounds like they were close to her.

You should see it as a nice thing, she’s set your daughter up for life. Your daughter has given you all a substantial amount of cash that she didn’t have too. Your entitlement of your daughters money (because it is hers) is awful.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 19:47

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:43

Yea legallY speaking of course that’s right. But as someone much smarter than me once said, Justice has very little
do do with laws.
it was legally right, ethically unjust and unkind to everyone in the family, and essentially, also to the daughter, who end up suffering under the natural envy of family members. It’s almost as if the aunt wanted to split up the family from beyond the grave (it was just very immature and not very good at thinking things through)

Show quote history

The problem there is the envy of the family members and their expression of it. Why are those things considered to require appeasement?

It’s justice that the aunt was free to choose what to do with her own money. It’s justice that the daughter was given it, on account of the relationship between them, and the fact the aunt wanted her to have it. It’s justice that the envious and bitter members of her family didn’t receive what they wanted to. It’s justice that they’ve shown themselves for what they are, and the daughter can leave them to seethe in said bitterness.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/04/2024 19:47

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:16

Jeez people are weird about money. Truly, treating it like a weapon/influence, that they can wield to show their favoritism even beyond the grave. This is exactly why, if any family member ever favored me like that financially, I wouldn’t allow it and would divide it equally. Money is just money and allowing it to destroy relationships by valuing it so much and holding on to it, even at the costs of relationships, is not the right way to live. Those who say that the family who got nothing are greedy got it all the wrong way round. Of course it’s the daughter being greedy by not sharing money which she hasn’t earned and which have just come
to her by sheer luck. Those who say she “deserve” it more are treating the inheritance as a reward for the time the daughter spent with the aunt, essentially monetizing that relationship. The human race is disappointing..

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And if her DB had inherited half (or a third, quarter…) he would have received that by sheer luck as well.

He received £50’000.00 simply because he had a fairly rich grand aunt and a sister who was generous enough to gift him 50k. Which is more than many people will ever inherit, btw!

how is that anything but sheer luck? What did the DS do to deserve a £50’000.00 gift?
And why isn’t it greedy for DS or the OP to have expected an inheritance?

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:47

ARichtGoodDram · 01/04/2024 19:42

But surely you would have dealt with the favouritism years ago, rather than waiting until the point where money is the objection

The OP has had no objection to her DD being favoured by her aunt since she was a young child. Only once the money was divvied out is it suddenly a big problem

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To be fair we don’t really know how she handles this. To me the whole thing sounds a big weird but then again families are complicated, all families are! Which is why you shouldn’t throw unequal distributions of inheritances into the mix, that’s just a recipe for disaster, to such an extent that it’s a well know film and novel plot. I think all those people acting as if it’s surprising that the other family members are upset just fancy seeing themselves as the bigger person (or perhaps only can see themselves in the daughters place) - I dare any of them to uphold such grace in the face of that happening to them in real life.

Strikestallulah · 01/04/2024 19:49

It seems to me that you disliked your Aunt. And yet expected her to leave you and your brother her money. I think you are going to spoil your relationship with your daughter if you have mot already. Exactly how much do you think she should have given you ?

SergeantDawkins · 01/04/2024 19:49

Afana · 01/04/2024 15:48

I think she will be ok I'm not worried about that at all. She has a good job. Her aunt helped her get it and she went in a little above the normal grad role so was making £50k straight out of uni and has had a pay rise since. She is sensible and I don't think she's waiting it.
It's still a bit of salt on the wound when she shows up in brand new clothes every time we see her!

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You sound really jealous. Just be happy for her.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 19:49

TheInfusionist · 01/04/2024 19:42

I'd be absolutely gutted if a sibling inherited 2 million quid and I got 50k and was meant to be grateful. Not sure I could be the bigger person very easily. How awful of your aunt to be so divisive.

Why wouldn’t you be grateful, when what you were entitled to was £0?

unsync · 01/04/2024 19:50

Your daughter is not the greedy one. She didn't have to give any of her inheritance away, she did and you seem resentful and jealous.

MissHavershamReturns · 01/04/2024 19:50

This is what my Great Aunt would have described as a hands from beyond the grave will. It’s bound to cause difficulties if you leave your whole estate to one out of your four nieces/nephews.

I can see legally the niece can do as she likes, but I would hope I would divide equally or as a minimum more like £400k each, leaving me with £700k.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/04/2024 19:50

The boys didn't want to make the effort with their aunt moaned if she dare do what she wanted, lots of boys like tennis, picnics and museums so they sound like spoilt brats like your aunt said they werent obligated to visit.They also got nice gifts at birthday. Just your dd actually made an effort with her aunt. The fact your having ago calling her greedy is appalling the amount she gifted you all. I hope she goes NC.

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:50

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/04/2024 19:47

And if her DB had inherited half (or a third, quarter…) he would have received that by sheer luck as well.

He received £50’000.00 simply because he had a fairly rich grand aunt and a sister who was generous enough to gift him 50k. Which is more than many people will ever inherit, btw!

how is that anything but sheer luck? What did the DS do to deserve a £50’000.00 gift?
And why isn’t it greedy for DS or the OP to have expected an inheritance?

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None of them deserves anything, it sheer luck to inherit anything..so if you choose to bestow luck on people, do it equally, in recognition of human nature making it investable that such a divisive move would create animosity, in any other world than the fantasy world some people on here seem to inhabit.

eggplant16 · 01/04/2024 19:52

50 Thousand pounds? Out of the reach of many people, ever, in their lifetime.

Unbelieveable.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 01/04/2024 19:52

I can see why she was the favourite… How thoughtful of her to share some of her inheritance with her greedy and ungrateful relatives.

Can you really buy a flat near Hyde Park for only a million? 🤔

goldfriarsbabby · 01/04/2024 19:52

I don't understand what the problem is.

Nobody is entitled to any inheritance. Your DD happened to have the best relationship with your aunt, and made the effort with her.

Your aunt chose to leave her money to your DD. Your DD very generously shared a huge amount of the money with the rest of you.

It sounds like you're all now being bitter and jealous and causing issues with your DD to make her feel bad.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 19:52

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:47

To be fair we don’t really know how she handles this. To me the whole thing sounds a big weird but then again families are complicated, all families are! Which is why you shouldn’t throw unequal distributions of inheritances into the mix, that’s just a recipe for disaster, to such an extent that it’s a well know film and novel plot. I think all those people acting as if it’s surprising that the other family members are upset just fancy seeing themselves as the bigger person (or perhaps only can see themselves in the daughters place) - I dare any of them to uphold such grace in the face of that happening to them in real life.

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Some people here have had this happen in real life.

That said, were I in this situation and bitter about it, that wouldn’t make me right, or my opinion somehow more valid. Being bitter wouldn’t make me somehow entitled to money that wasn’t mine, or entitled to treat the person it did belong to like shit. My being bitter would be my problem, and the onus would be on me to suck it the fuck up.

bagofbits · 01/04/2024 19:54

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 01/04/2024 13:38

Im surprised by the responses here. I would find this really hard, I would be jealous. That’s human nature surely? I hope I would be good enough never to show my jealousy or act differently to anyone because of it. I would vent to dh though.

Is there a back story here. You say the aunt wrote a letter. Is there more to it than this?

I remember a poster writing about something similar before here. The dd had maybe lived with aunt or certainly spent a lot of time with her. I don’t suppose that’s you?

This. If my sister inherited £1.5million and I received £50k I'd be angry and envious. Of course it would hurt. We all thrive on fairness and the aunt didn't treat all the coming generation fairly. Favouritism is always painful. Start favouring one child over another and you create difficulties in a family.

clairelouwho · 01/04/2024 19:54

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/04/2024 19:38

I feel like there’s an internalised misogyny running through the OP’s threads.

Well, she was “girly and sweet” - what useless traits, nothing to be praised about that. Obviously boys can’t be asked to make an effort for an aunt, or do any activities that are traditionally seen as feminine, that would be beneath them. Boys can only be expected to join in with activities aimed directly at them, don’t you know?

What, boys, or young men, make an effort to go and visit an aunt? Why would they do that? It’s women’s work. But they are entitled to the same degree of favour as someone who does, who even lived with the aunt so she wouldn’t be alone in Covid.

Then the aunt - A woman with her own preferences, who didn’t just “fit in” and bow to the rest of the family’s wishes - that’s a “bad” woman. She only did things on her own terms, that’s not what women should do.

An inheritance for a girl and not the boys? But surely they’re entitled to it, even though they made no effort at all with the aunt.

Excellent post and sums it up.

I suspect the DS is the golden child of that family and the OP just cannot have him go without. Even when he deserved nothing.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 19:55

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:50

None of them deserves anything, it sheer luck to inherit anything..so if you choose to bestow luck on people, do it equally, in recognition of human nature making it investable that such a divisive move would create animosity, in any other world than the fantasy world some people on here seem to inhabit.

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The problem lies with those that can’t keep their bitter feelings to themselves, and instead try to lay claim to something that was never theirs.

Again, the daughter did deserve it - the aunt chose to give it to her. The aunt was under no obligation to bestow it equally, and thankfully she gave it to the person she wanted to have it.

Redmat · 01/04/2024 19:57

Easy to be so righteous and accepting of one person's unearned good fortune when it's not your family being affected . I can see it would break many a family and yes destroy them. Jealousy is a horrible thing but you'd have to be a Saint not to be in this case.