My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

Those saying you should be happy for your daughter are not thinking it through. I couldn't be that happy for one of my children when I knew the other one had been so disadvantaged.
The aunt was actually quite cruel and thoughtless and someone being left 1.9 million could have shared more with her brothers and cousins. She didn't exactly earn the money by caring for the aunt for years , she happened to like the same things. I think she has been selfish.

And yes, being jealous of your own daughter is horrible. But if my aunt left all
her money to my daughter and nothing to my son, I’d be fuming for the sake of my son (same if it was vice versa). I just don’t get how some people can be so inconsiderate of the consequences of inheritances. Like I mentioned earlier I’ve seen an inheritance destroy a part of my own family and this is why I am strongly against favoritism in wills. It’s toxic and spiteful.

@Goldfishonabike How is that her rightful inheritance? The only thing that makes it rightful is one (seemingly spiteful) deceased family member’s favoritism. What’s rightful about that 😂

Well for many many years (and only recently changed for some situations) only the male of the family would inherit the house etc- girls were sold off into marriage or left out. How is that fair? 😐

As least DD made an effort to forge a relationship - the others could not be bothered. Their laziness = no inheritance. Now they have the benefit of hindsight the bitchin and the complaining begins.😂Last laugh is for DD.

Ive read all of OPs posts but not every single page

Now Im wondering what caused the daughter to do the deed of variation to share some money. Was she coerced, bullied?

This sounds like financial abuse to me.

How did it come about?

I'd be pleased if my daughter was this successful! No one should be envious of their own child.
I hope the daughter has set up a will to leave it all to Battersea Dog's Home should anything happen to her.

The natural jealousy is their problem to deal with, not take out on their daughter/niece/cousin/sister. Jealousy may be natural, but it doesn’t give you carte blanche to treat someone like shit.

When they were children I would have said "oh they can't come and stay because tennis all week doesn't work for Fred" and not sent either child.

Of course what they did as adults is their own business.

What makes the daughter entitled to it? None of them are entitled to it. No one is entitled to ANY inheritance, or anything they haven’t earned themselves. Il
not saying the others were more entitled to it, simply that the aunt should have been emotionally mature and considerate enough to divide it equally, and failing that, the daughter should have corrected her error.

No, having a different opinion to you doesn’t mean someone hasn’t thought it through.

Yes, it's absolutely normal for some families.

Some aunts/uncles/extended family members wouldn't bother at all with the children in the family-especially if they don't have or want kids of their own.

Believe it or not, your family dynamics don't apply to every family dynamic. Just because it works for your family-doesn't mean it would for others. Incredible how that works, isn't it?

The aunt was kind to extend the invitation-but it sounds like she knew what she wanted and how she wanted to spend her time and wasn't going to cater to others. It is her life. She sent an open invitation if they wanted to join-only the DD took her up on the offer.

Did the DS or the cousins, when they got older, attempt to find shared interests with their aunt? There's no mention of that-but I suspect not.

It's bizarre that you would expect that a childless aunt (who may be childless by choice) would or should bend over backwards to accommodate children that aren't even hers. Again-many wouldn't even extend the invitations that she did.

This one’s a share of freehold, close to Hyde Park and less than a million. They definitely exist!

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/132625739#/?channel=RES_BUY

It’s a bit surprising that you are jealous of your child and clearly did not have the relationship with your aunt and only now regretting it blaming your aunt for being difficult. How can you be happy for your child instead of jealous and pitting the others against her? She may leave you something eventually let’s hope you don’t all ruin the relationship

The daughter is entitled to it as it was the aunt's wishes.

You know-the person who created the Will and who owned the estate. It's kind of a big deal where inheritance is concerned.

Because the aunt chose to give it to her. That is what makes her entitled to it, by definition.

The others aren’t entitled to something that was never theirs, and wasn’t given to them.

Why should the aunt have done any such thing? Fuck that. She did exactly what she should have done - given it to the person who she wanted to give it to. The jealousy and bitterness that has arose isn’t on her or her niece, it’s on those that are, you know, placing money above their relationships.

No.

I feel like there’s an internalised misogyny running through the OP’s threads.

Well, she was “girly and sweet” - what useless traits, nothing to be praised about that. Obviously boys can’t be asked to make an effort for an aunt, or do any activities that are traditionally seen as feminine, that would be beneath them. Boys can only be expected to join in with activities aimed directly at them, don’t you know?

What, boys, or young men, make an effort to go and visit an aunt? Why would they do that? It’s women’s work. But they are entitled to the same degree of favour as someone who does, who even lived with the aunt so she wouldn’t be alone in Covid.

Then the aunt - A woman with her own preferences, who didn’t just “fit in” and bow to the rest of the family’s wishes - that’s a “bad” woman. She only did things on her own terms, that’s not what women should do.

An inheritance for a girl and not the boys? But surely they’re entitled to it, even though they made no effort at all with the aunt.

Being jealous is one thing. Bullying a family member, who just gave you 50k when they didn’t have to, to the point they feel forced to leave a family occasion, because of your jealousy is behaviour unacceptable in children of 8+, let alone grown adults.

Their jealousy shouldn’t be taken out on tbt OPs DD

Have they been 'disadvantaged'?

Or have they just not had the advantage of being the beneficiary.

They're not suddenly worse off are they, just because their sister inherits some money

What if sister had won the money, would the brothers be at a similar 'disadvantage'?

Im amazed at some of the clutching posts on here, citing the aunt as spiteful, the daugher as selfish, talking of 'favouritism' etc. Aunt is allowed to like some family members more than others, just like all of us. The people involved are not her children, she can have whatever relatikonship with them she likes or wants.

And yes of course the bullying of the Dd this weekend, to the point she left early. I suspect it’s not the beginning of her being bullied by other family members!

Can’t speak for the OP, but I think the aunts choice was selfish and immature. Nothing to do w gender- I’d have been equally outraged if it had been my son who was favorited and not my daughter.

YABVU and sound so grabby, jealous, and entitled. This is what has destroyed your family, not the your aunt's will, and certainly not your own DD.

But at some point they become their own people - not just someone’s daughter / sister / niece.

Why is it selfish and immature to leave money to the person you feel closest to?

But surely you would have dealt with the favouritism years ago, rather than waiting until the point where money is the objection

The OP has had no objection to her DD being favoured by her aunt since she was a young child. Only once the money was divvied out is it suddenly a big problem

I'd be absolutely gutted if a sibling inherited 2 million quid and I got 50k and was meant to be grateful. Not sure I could be the bigger person very easily. How awful of your aunt to be so divisive.

What would you do if she won the lottery? Top and bottom of it is, your aunt's money was your aunt's decision. Your daughter didn't have to give anyone anything...I think the greed stems from you and the others. Green eyed monster definitely came out!