My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

The thing is, OP, that your daughter doesn't get on with her brother, so why should she give him several hundred thousand pounds?

Also, it depends how close she is to her cousins. It doesn't sound as though she's particularly close - not close enough to give them several hundred thousand pounds, either.

It doesn't sound as though the others would have shared with her, either.

You resent your own dd showing up in new clothes???? Do you realise how petty and jealous this makes you sound? It's like you're 16!!!

Ive read all of OPs posts and cant see where she mentions the amount of IHT?

Who gets to decide whom someone else is 'meant to love most'?

Your will having trust to 25 is irrelevant if the aunt didn't put this in her will, it might make sense to you and your solicitor but a different solicitor and aunt make different decisions

And if your child is a adult then you have to let them do what they will wrongly or right

It’s in the very first post.

"Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy."

Her cousins have just been given £50k, which is a MASSIVE deposit. She gave you £50k, and your brother, and her brother, and these two cousins. She has distributed £275,000 in total to her family.

Your resentment is what screams of greed, not your daughter's choices.

Would you be less resentful if your aunt had left her entire estate to a donkey sanctuary, and ALL of you got £0? Well - would you?

Give your head a fucking wobble.

Your daughter would be turning up in new clothes without that inheritance.

It's almost as if £50,000 isn't enough to buy yourself new clothes, OP.

This does show, though, how often, unless everything is split equally, nobody is happy.

It's not a windfall. The aunt left her money to the person who was closest to her.

IHT is in the OP.

I think your daughter has been very generous to you all. She took time out of her life to spend with her Aunt and as a result formed a bond . You all seem very bitter towards her . No wonder she left early ! Can’t you just be happy for her ?

And while your son couldn't be bothered, your daughter forged a bond with her Great-Aunt that was clearly very special to her.

Your DD has given away a quarter of a million pounds of money that was legally left to HER.

She didn't have to give anyone a penny.

I wouldn't blame her for distancing herself from you all, you sound so bitter.

Then why should she give more money to someone who's not close to her?

There shouldnt be any 'family anger'

Angry about what?

Who do people think they are that they're entitled to an inheritance?

If one of my DCs inherited almost 2 million and gave their sibling a measly 50k I’d feel so disappointed. Id expect better. I wouldn’t expect a share for myself.

I think the only person missing the point is you!

It's you and your family acting greedy and jealous and ultimately damaging your relationship with your daughter.

If you want to save that then it's you that needs to contact and apologise to her and stop it with your perception that she somehow owes you all something (when she has given you 50k each already!)

Why should people be obligated to leave money to people who didn't spend time with them?

I don't see it as the daughter dishonouring the aunt's wishes, more as doing what she chose with the money that had suddenly become hers.

So your aunt and your DD seemed to be very similar and enjoyed the same things in life so quite obviously they were much closer, the daughter she never had I guess? Had you and your DB made more effort to include her in your lives along with your DS and DN then likely your aunt would have had a closer bond. I think your DD has been more than generous and you should be apologising to her for the jealousy and sheer ignorance shown to her.

Someone else did the sums earlier -
She had 1.9 million. She has given away 275k, she has bought a flat in either Kensington or Bayswater for over a million, so let us say 1.3 million, which is a typical price for a one bed in those areas. That means she has probably spent something like 1.55 million and now has £350,000 left.

So basically she's brought fairly modest property that needs some work in an area where she wants to live. It happens to be an area where property prices are high.

She's had some fun as instructed by her aunt.

So the bulk of her spend was simply on buying a home mortgage free. She's got a bit of a nest egg left. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. I guess her greedy rellies would have been happy for her to be left unable to afford a property in London.

The question was is it unreasonable to think this has damaged the fam - no, it isn't unreasonable.

Regardless of the morality of this,it will cause problems in pretty much any family.

Why? You love your children equally and as their mother you would expect to treat them equally yourself, i understand that.

But that obligation does not exist between siblings and, reasonably often, there is not even any love or liking between siblings. Trying to guilt one of them into giving the other money so that you feel better that your children are equally financially provided for is misguided and ultimately self-serving.

I'd be frustrated too but at the end of the day .... its her money. She didn't HAVE to give ANY away! If the aunt wanted her money split between the family, that's what she would have requested in her Will.

I'd be concerned if my daughter was changing too much as a person and losing her personailty due to greed, and making stupid financial decisions that were going to bite her in the ass before long but I don't think you can be too mad at her spending her own money, just because you want it.

Absolutely why should you be obligated to give money to anyone you don't like.

There is people in any family people wouldn't give a penny too, wills aren't a Democracy leave it to who you want to leave to.

Don't expect anything and be surprised if you get something.

Your daughter sounds lovely. Making time to be with her great aunt all her life, spending time and forming a lovely bond. She gave away £300,000 to the rest of the family which she didn’t have to at all, and the rest of you jackals still aren’t happy?

The rest of the family sound far less lovely. Why is no one satisfied with the incredibly generous £50k each? What did you all expect to happen? Were you guys rubbing your hands at the thought of the money you expected to inherit (did you think it would be half each for you and your brother?) and now shocked that you didn’t get that?

And I’m sorry but the great nephews could have made the effort if they wanted. Your description of your Dd as “girly and sweet” is contemptuous in the extreme. Boys can make an effort to do things they don’t absolutely love. “She just happened to like the same things” - or they had a lot in common - that’s a perfectly good reason for a closer bond. What were these boys expecting- to make no effort with their aunt but be treated the same as the niece who did?