My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

She did mention inheritance tax and explained how it was paid.

Inheritance tax is covered in the first post.

Imagine making snarky comments about how greedy DD is at Easter lunch?! That is so mean and horrible. You should have stopped it OP as a parent. I dont know if her Dad was there, but if hd was, he should have said something too. What a vile way to treat someone.....

If I were your daughter, I'd be regretting the money I'd given away.

I wouldn't want anything further to do with my family.

Good god. I have no words.

The Aunt died over a year ago and the family are still so bitter that they ruined Easter making "jokes" and the OP is publicly complaining her poor daughter hasn't rung her the next day.

I can't think why the Aunt favoured the daughter 🙄

Alright I'll admit my first thought when I heard the story was "oh no" & sorry to anybody it offends but 1 person getting everything purely because "she's my favourite" is awful & yes 100% will effect the family for years if not generations & I get how negotiating £25k/£50k at the time would be a good idea but realistically your mindsets not really in it & in an ideal world a family trust should have been set up with as much money as your daughter was willing to part with put into it too ensure any family members who needed help would have access as & when needed (potentially saving/investing the fund professionally to help cover housing deposits ect. For younger family members) but obviously your not going to be thinking about it at the time

I think you need to start from scratch with your daughter though - shes not the same person you raised/knew purely because her life HAS changed & she's nolonger in the same position ect.

I do hope your able to build a new relationship & one day reconnect outside of all of this. Good luck. X

I'd love to know the other side of the story. Whether the aunt told your daughter why she wasn't leaving anything to anyone else, just for example.
I have neighbours who have left all of their considerable estate to their daughter. There is a letter to their sons with their will explaining why they aren't getting anything, and it comes down to them not bothering to keep in touch with their parents. Who knows what the aunt's reasons were.

Good on your daughter for giving kind financial gifts to you lot. Now you're going to hound her out of the family with sarcastic digs and jokey comments. No good deed and all that...

And - goodness knows why some people think a 24 year old independent adult should have been 'guided' by her family. In any case, if she had looked for guidance it's clear they'd have been wanting to get their grabby hands on a much larger chunk of her inheritance, so it would have been sure to end up in grief.

Seems a small amount for an estate of that size.

Actually that’s correct, what the DD paid.

Agree with this. I can't imagine being envious of my own child.

I think you should have some therapy asap because otherwise you may permanently drive away your daughter, who you clearly and unfairly resent.

It's really odd to think that anyone would be hurt or bewildered not to receive an inheritance from a great aunt with whom they didn't have much of a relationship. Why on earth would they be expecting anything?

I have caring responsibilities for an elderly childless aunt who is pretty wealthy. We are pretty close and I do quite a lot for her. I have lasting PoA so I know exactly what's in her will and none of it is coming my way. It wouldn't even occur to me to feel hurt or bewildered about this. She can leave her money to whoever she likes!

I wonder what provision OP has made for her daughter in her own will? Will she be leaving her estate equally between her DD and her DS?

You seem so angry about this. I am just putting forward my perspective. And it's an honest one, not "utter rot".

I would share the money out because I would value my relationship with my living family more than the wishes of someone who is now dead!

You clearly didn't even like your aunt. You thought she was odd and selfish. She liked things her own way. But you don't mind getting 50K when she dies?

Why do any of you think you were entitled to your aunt's money? You weren't and aren't.

Once you all wrap your collective head around that fact, the whole 'problem' falls away.

You've said yourself that your daughter and son don't like each other. With that in mind it was particularly nice of her to give him £50k that she didn't have to. I wonder if she's at all close with the rest of the family that you think she ought to be dishing out cash to.

Stop letting your daughter be sniped at by your grasping family unless you want to lose contact with her completely. You can't seriously be surprised she's not contacted you since.

Oh man! Serious jealousy.com

Get a grip! Inheritance is a privilege anyway, not a right.

I can understand being upset when one child gets a load of money and the other doesn't.

Personally, I'd re-do my own will to try and even things out and prioritise helping out your son now if you can afford to. I wouldn't tell anyone about the will though as that would just cause more drama.

But your family are obviously decent and you have a good relationship with them. We know the daughter doesn't have a good relationship with her brother, and based on the OP's posts it sounds like the rest of them are quite unpleasant.

I don't know if the story is true or not but trust me many people in Finance are crap with money, same way many doctors live unhealthy lives.

Because you work in Finance as a professional does not mean you have the discipline and knowledge to manage and build your own money.

OP you should be happy that your dd could bring joy and happiness to your vulnerable aunt.
She clearly loved your dd very much to the point that they lived together during lockdown. The fact that she told you not to move in was a hint about her feelings towards you imo.
Didn’t you predict an unequal will? Considering how much closer dd was with her, I would personally not be surprised that she would financially benefitted more. You encouraged her relationship with your dd because she’s presumably a good person who was a good influence on dd. It’s very lucky that you had a dd who no could bring her happiness.

If it bothers you so much, consider giving your 50k to your son. 100k would be an amazing deposit

My will has trusts until 25 and that was advised by my solicitor and to me it makes perfect sense than giving what would have been a 22 year old free rein of £2m. Equally as a parent I would absolutely not be making sure I was reassured that my child was getting the best possible advice on their money from an expert. I say this as someone who has been in this position and have children who are too. I wouldn’t have any interest in the money myself but I sure as hell wouldn’t be happy to not be absolutely sure it was being looked after properly and it seems the op hasn’t done that

I would share it too. I like my siblings and would want to help them out.

Ouch. This is also pretty on the money (pun intended) I'm afraid.

Why is the onus on her to ‘value the relationship’ by sharing, and not on them by getting over their bitterness?

‘Give us your money or we’ll treat you like trash’ - yeah, the only response to that is ‘lol, bye!’.