My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

I think the elderly great-aunt probably made her will in favour of the young relative whose company she most enjoyed. At 75, without children of her own, fairness may not have entered her mind.

The beneficiary seems to have been sensible with her inheritance and generous. The OP and her brother much less so.

Your daughter has been really generous when she was basically dishouring your aunts wishes.

Think of it this way, imagine you for whatever reasons of your own want to leave all your money to X and for Y not to get anything. You think about it carefully and decide what you want to with your money.

wouldn't you be really pissed off if (if you knew about it obviously) after your death, X decided to give half of it to Y when you had specifically made a decision nothing for Y?

I think the whole family are being bitches to the kind daughter who has given substantial - yes substantial sums - out of pure generosity.

You never know what reasons people have. I know someone who is cutting out their child and leaving everything to the grandchildren on trust because they can't stand their child's spouse (for good reasons) and don't want as they say "a single penny" of everything they have worked for and anything from their own parents to go to fund a swanky lifestyle of someone they detest. If they leave it to the child, the spouse will get their paws on it they say.

People have their reasons and if they are in sound mind, I strongly believe that their choices should be respected.

Why should her parents know details of what she spent? Last time I checked, a 24 year old is an adult and perfectly entitled to make her own decisions.

It’s not impossible she may know more about financial matters than her parents / family anyway. I certainly did at that age - was a fully qualified financial adviser!

It is not the same as parents having to divide their estates fairly between their children. Not the same at all.

Parents don't have to do that at all. It might be the legal default, but they don't have to. Anyone can legally choose to leave money as they wish.

I think your aunt has left dd in a tricky situation. Your dd had to decide how to divide up her aunt's estate and that shouldn't have been her responsibility. The aunt, if she'd given it any thought, should have realised there were going to be repercussions for dd and the whole family. That wasn't fair.

I think dd could maybe have given her brother and cousins a bit more. £100k? But how much was ever going to be enough?

Surely £50k could make a significant house deposit?

Now it's all done though dd needs to show a bit of tact. No-one needs to know that she doesn't have a mortgage or that all her clothes are brand new. Either she needs to stop talking about it now or people need to stop asking her.

It should have entered her mind. It isn't rocket science.

What a spiteful thing to have done knowing how hurt and bewildered others would be.

People should have to sign up for a common sense/how not to be a twat course before they make a will.

You need to read what you are writing yourself “It did start when she was a child as my son never wanted to go, so we would drop DD off for a couple of weeks in the summer and my aunt….”
your son did not want to go - your daughter did - stop saying she had a better relationship due to geographical location - they established a closeness when she was a child and your son did not want to visit your aunt.

They sounded much closer than anyone else in the family - a close bond of 24 years is not 'luck'.

Jealousy is a curse. You nasty lot.

What is your point?

The point you are missing is that whilst some people might think feeling a sting at being left nothing is understandable, nobody on the thread has agreed that you are right to be destroying your relationship with your DD over this.

Shes done nothing wrong.

Shes given you all 50k each when it’s clear your Aunt had no interest in any of you having it - so thats your Dds generosity - and you’ve been rude to her and made jokes at her expense to the point she felt so uncomfortable she left.

So your daughter was the closest your aunt had to a grandchild?

As a childless pensioner, I can quite understand why the money was left to your daughter.

Wow, instead of being happy for your daughter! Envy is ugly. Your daughter sounds like a smart and really nice person. Good for her

It wasn’t on her to appease the jealousy of anyone else.

She left her money to someone she had a close and loving relationship with. Good for her.

The love of money is the root of all evil, and jealousy poisons relationships and lives.

When you are 24, that kind of money seems endless. But I think your DD is going to discover that it comes to an end quicker than she thinks. All the new clothes and holidays and part-time working will burn through it. In a few years, the money will be gone. That should be your concern, not trying to get your hands on her inheritance.

If aunt left it all to charity, would you have felt that she should have left dd something or would uou have preferred nobody benefitting from your aunt’s wealth?

Your children don’t get along so your son is lucky to even get the 50k. I bet that if he was in his sister’s shoes he wouldn’t be splitting things in exactly 6 ways either.

My ex husband worked in banking and was SHIT with his own finances.

But anyway, I hope she has invested some, as she could pay the bills with dividends and interest payments on what's left.

Please seriously consider your actions though, you could lose your daughter over this. It's not her fault, and why should she have equally shared it out when she was the closest one to her Great Aunt out of all of you.

It is a difficult situation, OP, and had I been the aunt I probably would have left my estate equally to relatives.

However, aunts are not parents. She had no direct descendants to leave her money to, didn't apparently feel the same imperative to leave money equally as parents to to their kids and so left her estate to the person she had had most communication with and support from during her life. To a certain extent it is always luck (and some commitment) as to whether you have a relationship with a person who is in your life or could be in your life.

Now that the situation is what it is, it is YOU who is damaging the relationship with your dd. She did give significant sums to her cousins and other relatives - she seems to have given out £250k. It seems sad that things were so unpleasant that she left early. Are you intending to guilt trip her into going away what was given to her? Is this all more important than a relationship with your Dd? I would feel sad for your Ds and awkward for the cousins but can't believe you are so jealous of your own Dd.

I think fair play to your DD and if she was my daughter I’d be over the absolute moon for her. She’s set for life. Everyone saying she’s wasting the money is talking rubbish. She’s 24, owns a property in London outright and earns 50k. She was close to her Aunt, they had shared interests. This is a relationship that has been cultivated for the last 24 years. It’s bonkers none of you saw this coming. Why would she leave money to the boys who never paid her any interest? Perhaps give your 50k to your son to even things up a bit? Remember your DD never asked for this. And she didn’t need to give you all any money.

So they had a well established relationship? Your Aunt's action don't seem particularly surprising...🤷‍♀️

Stop crying about money that was none of yours in the first place. Many people stand to inherit nothing, so be grateful you got anything.

DD lived with her during Covid (she was at uni at the time). I offered to go and stay too so she wasn't alone (she was vulnerable so truly didn't go as much as walk for months) but my aunt told me not to!

@Afana you are really blind to yourself aren't you.

You've got here an older single widow with no children who is vulnerable. She would really put a high premium on those who are kind enough to spend time with her and develop a relationship with her because they wanted to.

For your daughter to live with her during Covid would have been A HUGE deal for her so she wasn't alone and was supported. That from what you say didn't come out of nowhere - it's a long time built relationship.

She probably told you not because she didn't want you there and didn't like you or feel as comfortable with you as your DD or becaues she felt you were doing it out of obligation where as the DD liked her.

Really get a grip. I can't believe you could be so resentful in these circumstances. Your daughter sounds lovely.

I can't imagine inheriting £1.9m and only giving my parents and brother £50k. I would genuinely have split it equally with them because I'd want them to share the good fortune. I honestly think your DD sounds pretty selfish. It's not about who "deserves" the inheritance, it's about sharing a windfall with the people who brought you up and who you're meant to love most in the world. I don't blame you for being disappointed in her.

Your lovely daughter isn't the one destroying the family.

@Janiie it's not spiteful of the elderly lady at all. The OP's DD had a warm 20 year relationship with the young woman, and despite having issued open invitations, the boys weren't interested in what she was offering and had little/no relationship.

I’m not sure I believe this thread. A 24 year old has inherited nearly £2m and has been given free reign with it whereby her own parents don’t know exactly what she spent on a house and who haven’t ensured she has the money properly invested for growth and income

WTAF? she's 24 not 12 and she works in finance. She probably knows more about investment than her parents do. I did not run all my purchases past my parents at age 24 FGS. She's a grown adult not a child. You are assuming here that her parents are more wise with money than she is when clearly from the OP, they are not.