My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

I don't think the aunt sounds terribly nice. Let's face it, the things the aunt enjoyed doing were always more likely to appeal to a girl than a boy – how many 9-year-old boys enjoy being paraded round a tennis club, getting dressed up, and going on picnics and to museums?

Do you know what proportion of boys:girls play tennis?
I don't, but I do know that our club has a weekly junior club session. Of 5 courts with 4-6 children on each, there normally aren't enough girls to make up a court of just girls. It's more common for the group to only have 1-2 girls than to have 4.
Growing up (totally different club) I played for the boys team because there weren't enough girls to make up a team. There were 4 boys teams.
I entered local tournaments. It wasn't unusual as a girl to have only one match before the final. The boys competitions would have a waiting list after the 32 spaces were filled.
The group we used to spend our days with at the club playing tennis was 10-12 boys and 2 girls.
So I don't think you can conclude a boy wouldn't be interested in that.

I'd think that tennis club, picnics and museums would appeal far more to my ds than either dd1 or dd2. And dressing up would have appealed to none over the age of 12yo.

Let's get this right. Your DD - who was under NO obligation to do so - shared her inheritance with her family and now you are moaning about how she spends the remainder.

You ungrateful bunch.

Just goes to show no good deed goes unpunished.

If I were your DD I would make sure my Will said everything I had left went to charity.

OP you sowed the seeds of this when your DD was born and you named her after her aunt. I'm sure you weren't thinking of her legacy, at all...!!!

If one of my children had inherited this eye-watering amount, I'd have expected her to share her good fortune, to some extent.

You need to forget about the money now, and repair your relationship with your DD, before it's too late and she doesn't want to.

I don’t understand any more f this criticism of the Aunt for not, somehow, pleased the boys enough to make them care about her while she lived. Its such a weird, possessive, greedy way of looking at the Aunt as though she had no higher duty in life than to fuss over and gift the children’s children of her siblings.

I had a great Aunt who died at 93. I was one of her favorites because we had shared interests and I made time to fly across country and visit. I am 40 years younger than her. Was she obligated to pursue an identical relationship with my brother who didn’t bother with her for 40 years?

If OP’s son wanted to have a close relationship with his great aunt absent benefit that’s sad that he didn’t get that. He must be devastated that his favorite aunt didn’t get to spend much time with him. What’s that you say, OP, he never wanted to spend time with her? Oh.

I think you and your family are out of line op. There are many threads on other websites about this exact same scenario with families permanently falling out. If that happens, that is on you and the other relatives, and you are the elder.

Your aunt had every right to do what she wanted with her last will and testament, and you are not honoring her wishes. Just as your daughter has every right as well. It's your choice to ruin the relationship and it won't get you any more money either, so I don't know why you don't just let it go.

It's not like any of you were slaving away giving her care for years.

I’m sorry but I think you are the one being greedy. It was your aunts money and her wishes were for your daughter to have it. If your aunt wanted you to have some she would have said so in her will.

And yet your daughter did give some of her inheritance to family and you are all treating her badly because of it. Quite frankly she should not have bothered and kept it all if you are all going to treat her this way. She must be very upset.

If your daughter had of won the money in Lotto or earnt the money would you all also expected some more?

I never get these sorts of posts - the Money was your aunts - she clearly valued her relationship with your daughter - your daughter likely valued her relationship with your aunt. Why do other grabby family members think they are entitled to someone else’s money because they want it?

it’s very sad that as a mother you are treating your daughter this way rather than being happy for her.

And remember if your Aunt had given ALL of this money to charity, none of you would have received anything.

Your Aunt’s solicitor/executor of her Estate did well - in around 14 months, sold her holiday home, London home, etc, completed all paperwork, organised the Deed of Variance, etc. Your DD managed to find and purchase a new home, go on endless holidays and shopping sprees. All in 14 months.

There are loads of central London flats at that price. This has 999 years on the lease.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/139685219

I believe that parents have obligations to their children because they are responsible for bringing them into the world. In my view, that includes treating their children fairly.

I don't believe that aunts and uncles have any specific responsibilities or obligations towards their nieces and nephews. It's totally different.

I've read many of these sin ce being here
This is the most rubbish ones I've read as the event and the envy aimed at
Maany goo responses by FM's here

I'm not sure if this is a wind-up

Let's just hope that if this is real, for the sake of the OP and family/etc, the daughter does not read this.

This is why I say to people on here, if you get money left by someone, its yours, spend it as you wish, don't insult the Testaor's wishes by handing it out to those they did not want to leave it to and then end up being made look awful for bending over backwards to help several people with seriously decent amounts of money.

We've never been left anything as we did not want anything as others were more in need - my dad had a new family, so we all said give to to them and he did that. My in-laws just loved, cherished one son and they left close to xxxx a big amount to him and his new family and good luck to them

If you have money and writing a Will etc or changing it - only leave it too those that really care about you throughout life and towards the end and forget the rest.

Excellent post

@Afana what do you think the point is? She spend time each year and helped her lived with her in covid and she doesn’t get on with her brother or cousins.
having seen the will she did apply and gave away15% of the assets to the rest of her family.
she then respected the rest of the will as she should
your aunt was v clear in her wishes and within reason they need to be respected it is not on her to go against them
she did to give away 15% that is enough she was close to the aunt and cared about her

tje jokes from presumably her brother and cousins who she did give a far whack to are below the belt

Aunt’s money,her choice who she left it to.Your daughter has made a mistake giving any of her relatives a percentage of it.She should have kept it to herself.What a spiteful greedy family you sound,begrudging someone who was close and spent a lot of her time with her Aunt.

@MyNameIsFine I would be upset at family blatantly favouring one child over others

I'm surprised how many people think DD has lucked out and it's just tough luck for her brother and cousins

@Afana sorry but you sound so jealous. You say your aunt wasn’t close to the family apart from you’re daughter and that everything was on her terms, but it also sounds like she did a lot for your daughter (and you by default, two weeks child care at the start of every summer!)
your daughter has been more than generous, you complain she’s not done anything of use with her money, yes she has bought a home in a good area (hello investment!) she sounds like she has a good job and is enjoying her free time with lovely holidays. And the comments about new clothes, so what if she buys new clothes? It’s her money! The comments about greed and money over Easter sound bitter and nasty to be honest

And you’re her mum?? My mum was always happy for me when good things happened. DD did share, more than required. Accept that wills blow families apart and rise above it because the relationships are worth so much more (and I speak from experience)

Meh, its a bit weird the aunt favoured your daughter and left others out but end of the day, it was her choice.

She's been more than generous and you sound really bitter and jealous of your own daughter which is insane.

I dont blame your daughter actually- I'd be dripping in Gucci and Versace if I was her- as your aunt said, life is for living and money is hers fair and square.

What an awful thing for the auntie to have done. Yes the dd spent time with her but only because she luckily shared similar hobbies. Auntie wasn't going to put herself out being bored with ds who didn't like tennis and museums.

The daughter should've done the right thing and shared it equally with her brother and cousins.

People can be little shits when it comes to leaving their wodge to someone. This was obviously going to cause problems in the family. What a lovely legacy Auntie!

Yeah, I’m older and realise that inheritances should be left to those we choose to leave it to. My Will reflects that.

Your aunties choice didn't cause the problems, greed and jealousy did.

Those were her wishes, she shared some with you all, and is enjoying what was left to her.

Should she had hid it away and pretend she never got it?

Blatant favouritism in families is never ok.

Disgusting attitude. The poor daughter. Hope she never gives any of you lot a penny more.

I do think that it's wrong not to treat your siblings or children equally (unless you've been NC with some of them for years).

We have a more difficult relationship with our eldest, and don't see much of them, and I must admit at one point, I did think we wouldn't split the will equally between the 3 dc, and would just give the eldest a smaller token share, but after thinking about it, we actually wouldn't want anything to affect the relationship between the siblings, so we've left the will as it is, with each receiving a third.

I don't think that would ever change, even if we don't see hide nor hair of the eldest in our later years. I think the only way they'd be cut out of the will (or given significantly less) is if that's what they wanted.

I would hate to think my death caused any family members to fall out, and although it's easy to say, money really does change things, and in some ways what you do as a parent in your will (to me) correlates with how much you love your children/siblings, etc, so I wouldn't show favouritism by giving them fifteenth amounts as I wouldn't want any of them to feel that they weren't loved as much or as important.

So in this way, I'd hope the money would be shared out more equally, and as the one inheriting I'd feel an obligation to do that, but you say that your dc don't get on, and in that case, I'm surprised she shared anything. At the end of the day, I think your aunt was wrong to play favourites, and I'm not sure how your relationships will ever be the same.

This is ridiculous. You are jealous of your daughter turning up in new clothes and rubbing 'salt in the wounds' get a grip. What do you want her to do, put the money under the bed for a rainy day?!. What a disgusting attitude to have against your own child.

I believe that parents have obligations to their children because they are responsible for bringing them into the world. In my view, that includes treating their children fairly

I don't believe that aunts and uncles have any specific responsibilities or obligations towards their nieces and nephews. It's totally different

This. I would have a very dim view of this favouritism if it was a parent doing it as thats completely different but an aunt?- nope. The aunt didnt bring you into the world and doesnt have a parent- child relationship with you. Not the same thing at ALL