Page 20 | My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

xsquared · 01/04/2024 16:16

Your dd didn't have to give a penny of her money, yet she did out of generosity.

It is natural to be envious of other people's good fortune, and it's your own and dn's resentment of your dd that is tearing the family apart, not your aunt's decision.

I'm sure if you had set a poll, most of us would have voted YABU.

CaliGurl · 01/04/2024 16:16

Longsight2019 · 01/04/2024 16:11

This is what happened:

Everyone in the family was aware that rich old Aunt Agnes was soon to pass and wondered if they might benefit from her almighty estate, no doubt grown from solid investment but also the gains in property never to be enjoyed by current generations again.

You all feared, to differing degrees, that you may not be included in the will, and that DD was by far the closest, so might therefore be the major beneficiary.

Your fears were confirmed when she inherited the lot, but that left a glimmer of hope that she may equalise the share amongst all, to bring it in line generationally so that each family member benefits fully. After all, she was “just an Aunt” right!?

She gave what was “just” a token (significant due to the size of estate but by no means a large share), and in doing so, and skipping generations of family above her including her own parents, she is now facing the inevitable implications of choosing to remain the very major beneficiary.

So what “should” she have done?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

She was the favourite, and her Aunt’s wishes were granted and so she died knowing that your DD got what she wanted her to have, despite there being other family members who would obviously be affected by the uneven windfall. But you needed to guide her to make a more informed set of moves.

Personally, I would see the solution looking something like this:

Your parents get their £25k each assuming they’re in reasonable financial health. If more is required then a sensible sum agreed. They then get to see their family benefit hugely and have their financial security increased in the following way:

The rest, goes to two families equally - you and your brother. The value at this stage is still significant and life changing for all generations, so this comes with the understanding that monies are split equally now, not on your death with your own offspring, with a view to having a long term approach to family money for the benefit of future generations. i.e. some financial education on how to keep and grow wealth rather than spending it on too many depreciating niceties.

What she’s done is nothing other than selfish, greedy, and hugely harsh on the remaining family who could easily have been Aunt’s favourite. Why on earth would she not want to see the wealth shared within her own family (yours at least, if
not your Brother’s), and avoid the absolutely inevitable resentment that this has and will continue to cause.

I would feel the same as you and your brother in this tormenting situation.

Wow.
If I was the DD I'd have told you to roundly duck off.
'Long-term' family approach... for people that aren't behaving like family at all.
What rubbish.

You know, just because the DD 'only' gave 50K doesn't mean zero benefit for the rest ever after. They could've stayed over at her house in London. I'm sure if there was anything life-threatening, like someone needing private healthcare etc she'd have stepped in, being generous as to share the money.

But people with this attitude deserve nothing. Nary a penny. No need for 'family council'.

I'm so thankful that neither mine nor DH family behaves like this.

Permanentlymildlymiffed · 01/04/2024 16:16

fieldsofbutterflies · 01/04/2024 15:49

It's still a bit of salt on the wound when she shows up in brand new clothes every time we see her!

Imagine being this jealous of your grown up daughter 😳

Honestly, get a grip.

Absolutely this! You all sound absolutely despicable people being so resentful towards your daughter. Your aunt has rewarded the correct family member judging by everything you’ve said here. Just a shame she wasted 275k to try to appease such a mean, spiteful bunch.

theclimb · 01/04/2024 16:17

I think you are jealous envious and bitter to be honest OP.

Your daughter has benefitted from a situation outside of her control - why should she go over her aunts wishes to give you all an equal share when you didn't give the aunt equal enjoyment in life when she was living

Chattywatty · 01/04/2024 16:17

I’m not sure I believe this thread. A 24 year old has inherited nearly £2m and has been given free reign with it whereby her own parents don’t know exactly what she spent on a house and who haven’t ensured she has the money properly invested for growth and income. I would worry less about what she hasn’t given you and more about the fact that nobody seems to be ensuring she is getting proper financial advice. An starting a job on £50k just because her aunt knows someone. Sorry don’t buy it

BoohooWoohoo · 01/04/2024 16:18

Inheritance is often a matter of luck. If all of the cousins had been girls and happy to do afternoon tea etc, your dd may not have been the sole beneficiary of the will.

Your dd did the right thing by leaving when jokes were made about the money. When she gave out 300k, the matter should have ended even though you might have wished for your son to have been as lucky as his sister.

CruellaSeville · 01/04/2024 16:18

@Medschoolmum exactly, this was an aunt, not a parent! I'm not having children so I may well be in a similar position, and I would be so annoyed if I thought that greedy vultures like this would attempt to swoop in and ride roughshod over my wishes.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 01/04/2024 16:18

Some comments about greed were made and jokes about the money

But you're the greedy ones @Afana so the jokes on you. Haven't heard from her? You need to call her and apologise

Sureaseggs44 · 01/04/2024 16:19

It’s not the Aunt that has caused the problems . Her money , her choice.

it’s your reaction .

if you want to ruin your relationship with your daughter that’s entirely up to you .

MouseMinge · 01/04/2024 16:19

If I was your daugther I don't think I'd want to have much to do with you and the rest of the family if this is the way you treat her. It's her money. She can do with it what she wants, buy new clothes, work less, go on holiday more, enjoy the life she's been gifted. It's entirely up to her and yet even with that she gifted all of you a really good sum of money and still you resent her.

Your aunt's inheritance has done nothing to your family, you family have managed to be jealous, greedy arseholes all by themselves. If you can't all get over yourselves you're going to find that you no longer have a daughter in your life but maybe that would be for the best because at least you wouldn't have to see her new clothes and work hard at being snide to make her feel bad just for living her life. You sound like a horrible bunch.

Original poster

Afana · 01/04/2024 16:19

Sweetheart7 · 01/04/2024 16:10

@Medschoolmum I don't think 50k is any comparison to 1.9 million. The aunt herself has been quite unkind. What about the aunts own parents? You seem to have assumed that the aunt wasn't closest to ANY other family member don't you think that's a tiny bit odd? Or do you only think its odd for the ungrateful members unlike the aunts parents that are so so grateful for 25k?? Why wouldn't you see your own parents right?.

I am not rich and me and my mother have not spoken for 4 years. I love my mother despite our fall out and I can only speak for myself. I wouldn't treat my mother like this if I had that type of money.....

My aunt was 75 ... her parents died 20 years ago!!

She wasn't massively close to anyone else but it was her choice not to be!

OP posts:

Salemforcuddles · 01/04/2024 16:20

Your aunt didn't want any of you to have her money

Medschoolmum · 01/04/2024 16:20

Longsight2019 · 01/04/2024 16:11

This is what happened:

Everyone in the family was aware that rich old Aunt Agnes was soon to pass and wondered if they might benefit from her almighty estate, no doubt grown from solid investment but also the gains in property never to be enjoyed by current generations again.

You all feared, to differing degrees, that you may not be included in the will, and that DD was by far the closest, so might therefore be the major beneficiary.

Your fears were confirmed when she inherited the lot, but that left a glimmer of hope that she may equalise the share amongst all, to bring it in line generationally so that each family member benefits fully. After all, she was “just an Aunt” right!?

She gave what was “just” a token (significant due to the size of estate but by no means a large share), and in doing so, and skipping generations of family above her including her own parents, she is now facing the inevitable implications of choosing to remain the very major beneficiary.

So what “should” she have done?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

She was the favourite, and her Aunt’s wishes were granted and so she died knowing that your DD got what she wanted her to have, despite there being other family members who would obviously be affected by the uneven windfall. But you needed to guide her to make a more informed set of moves.

Personally, I would see the solution looking something like this:

Your parents get their £25k each assuming they’re in reasonable financial health. If more is required then a sensible sum agreed. They then get to see their family benefit hugely and have their financial security increased in the following way:

The rest, goes to two families equally - you and your brother. The value at this stage is still significant and life changing for all generations, so this comes with the understanding that monies are split equally now, not on your death with your own offspring, with a view to having a long term approach to family money for the benefit of future generations. i.e. some financial education on how to keep and grow wealth rather than spending it on too many depreciating niceties.

What she’s done is nothing other than selfish, greedy, and hugely harsh on the remaining family who could easily have been Aunt’s favourite. Why on earth would she not want to see the wealth shared within her own family (yours at least, if
not your Brother’s), and avoid the absolutely inevitable resentment that this has and will continue to cause.

I would feel the same as you and your brother in this tormenting situation.

Are you always so controlling of your adult dc?

What on earth would have given the OP the right to dictate how her dd should have shared or invested the inheritance that was left to her, entirely legally, by her aunt?

If the aunt had wanted the money shared between the OP and her brother's family, she could have planned for that. For reasons best known to herself, she did not choose that option. It was her money, why should her choices not be respected and why should a young woman be pressurised to give away her inheritance because other family members have decided that they're entitled to something that wasn't ever theirs?

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 01/04/2024 16:20

I think your aunt made an awful choice which will permanently damage your family harmony as it is such a large amount of money - it wouldnt have been so bad if it wasnt a life changing amount.

I know it was hers to do with what she wants, and your daughter has followed her will (& being kind to share it) but I cant see how the cousins will ever get over it - I know I couldnt.

If I was your aunt I would have shared it more evenly which would have stopped the bad feeling.

I don't think anyone here as done anything wrong, but relationships will never be the same again. Your son will distance himself from his sister, which will impact on your family as time goes on - especially if they have children and it would be unlikely that any of your grandchildren will spend time together and your brothers family will do the same.

Its a shame as your daughter was good to give everyone a bit, but your aunt is really to blame for splitting the family like this - maybe thats what she wanted though?

Sweetheart7 · 01/04/2024 16:21

@Afana ahhh yes sorry!

windywoods · 01/04/2024 16:21

Bottom line is that what's done is done. Blame your aunt if you like; blame your daughter for not doing what you think she should have done. Either way, it's in the past. The question is whether you want a decent relationship with your daughter in the future. If so, you need to come to terms with the situation and do your best to smooth things over with all your children so you can see one another without someone making stupid sly comments and 'jokes' that are veiled insults.

Why would your daughter want to continue to see you all if this is what she has to look forward to? I'd quickly decide that I wasn't wanted and reduce visits.

AllTheChaos · 01/04/2024 16:21

Afana · 01/04/2024 14:47

I'm really shocked by the replies!!
My aunt liked DD the most as she was everything my aunt respected, girly and sweet and my aunt could put her in frilly dresses and take her for afternoon tea. My aunt loved putting DD in tennis whites and showing her off to her friends at the tennis club. From age 6 (DS was 10 at the time) DD spent the first 2-3 weeks of the holidays with my aunt, she never offered to have DS before this. DS did 4 days the first year, cried to come home and instead spent the time at my parents. It was never to the boys taste, all picnics and museums and tennis. DD enjoyed it, but more importantly my aunt was doing all the things she loved! If DD hadn't of liked those things my aunt wouldn't have spent time with her either - that was just luck!!
DD lived with her during Covid (she was at uni at the time). I offered to go and stay too so she wasn't alone (she was vulnerable so truly didn't go as much as walk for months) but my aunt told me not to!

It was always on my aunts terms, it was always about doing what she wanted and DD was the only one who fit her image!

Now DD being the only girl and happening to share interests and be the right type of person for my aunt has meant she now gets all the fortune and the others who my aunt wouldn't have spent time with anyway are forgotten !

Honestly, if the aunt was as determined to live life on her own terms as she sounds (which is not a criticism btw!), then I suspect Op, that if none of the children in the family had got in with her like your DD did, then she’d have probably left all of the money to a charity rather than ‘dutifully’ divvying it up equally between the remaining relatives. It may well be that you’ve all received MORE of an inheritance thanks to DD!

Wishlist99 · 01/04/2024 16:21

I’ve re~read the OP and subsequent posts and the only greedy person I can identify is the OP. I would have left the family event too if people were making “jokes”.

I had a great graduate job and within a year was earning more than my DM. And then my Dm and DF together. I used to buy new clothes to visit them so I looked nice; and my DM was jealous and used to make nasty comments about what I had and how rich I must be and my poor sister had nothing. It was awful and I cut contact (on the other.hand my df was just proud of me and I had a great relationship with him).

I suspect the OPs daughter is heading the way of cutting down contact but the OP won’t be able to see it’s because of her behaviour and instead will blame the daughter and aunt.

Angelsrose · 01/04/2024 16:22

Longsight2019 · 01/04/2024 16:11

This is what happened:

Everyone in the family was aware that rich old Aunt Agnes was soon to pass and wondered if they might benefit from her almighty estate, no doubt grown from solid investment but also the gains in property never to be enjoyed by current generations again.

You all feared, to differing degrees, that you may not be included in the will, and that DD was by far the closest, so might therefore be the major beneficiary.

Your fears were confirmed when she inherited the lot, but that left a glimmer of hope that she may equalise the share amongst all, to bring it in line generationally so that each family member benefits fully. After all, she was “just an Aunt” right!?

She gave what was “just” a token (significant due to the size of estate but by no means a large share), and in doing so, and skipping generations of family above her including her own parents, she is now facing the inevitable implications of choosing to remain the very major beneficiary.

So what “should” she have done?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

She was the favourite, and her Aunt’s wishes were granted and so she died knowing that your DD got what she wanted her to have, despite there being other family members who would obviously be affected by the uneven windfall. But you needed to guide her to make a more informed set of moves.

Personally, I would see the solution looking something like this:

Your parents get their £25k each assuming they’re in reasonable financial health. If more is required then a sensible sum agreed. They then get to see their family benefit hugely and have their financial security increased in the following way:

The rest, goes to two families equally - you and your brother. The value at this stage is still significant and life changing for all generations, so this comes with the understanding that monies are split equally now, not on your death with your own offspring, with a view to having a long term approach to family money for the benefit of future generations. i.e. some financial education on how to keep and grow wealth rather than spending it on too many depreciating niceties.

What she’s done is nothing other than selfish, greedy, and hugely harsh on the remaining family who could easily have been Aunt’s favourite. Why on earth would she not want to see the wealth shared within her own family (yours at least, if
not your Brother’s), and avoid the absolutely inevitable resentment that this has and will continue to cause.

I would feel the same as you and your brother in this tormenting situation.

I don't see how it could be tormenting as no-one is owed an inheritance. I can't help but feel the attitude of the op is much harsher because her dd is female and she is not doing as she is told. If her son had inherited I find it unlikely he would have shared or that he would have even have attended the family's Easter meal!

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/04/2024 16:22

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:25

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again

No.

You are the ones in danger off irreparably damaging your family.

She didn't;t have to give you a penny - but she was remarkably generous. She's given family members more than quarter of a million pounds all told, and would have given more, but your parents didn't want it.

Yes - she's been incredibly fortunate, but that was what your aunt wanted - for HER to enjoy the money. I don't blame her for a moment for buying herself a home and furnishing it the way she wanted, and reducing her working hours

I think that all of you should be a damn sight more grateful to your daughter and be appreciative for what she has so generously given you.

If YOU had been the sole beneficiary would you have shared it equally? Would your brother? Would any of the boys? I'll bet not! I'll bet you wouldn't even have given as much as she gave to you.

It's easy to say "I'd have given everyone the same" when you don't have the money. When you do, you'd very likely change your minds!

She's been incredibly kind and you can't see it. I feel very sorry for her.

Sunnydays0101 · 01/04/2024 16:22

Chattywatty · 01/04/2024 16:17

I’m not sure I believe this thread. A 24 year old has inherited nearly £2m and has been given free reign with it whereby her own parents don’t know exactly what she spent on a house and who haven’t ensured she has the money properly invested for growth and income. I would worry less about what she hasn’t given you and more about the fact that nobody seems to be ensuring she is getting proper financial advice. An starting a job on £50k just because her aunt knows someone. Sorry don’t buy it

There are graduate jobs in London starting at 50K and more. The 24 yo may be more financially savvy than her Mum. She has wisely invested in a home in London for herself, she has other investments also.

What I found slightly unbelievable is that a relatively recent graduate is able to reduce her 5 day working week to 4 days.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/04/2024 16:23

How is £50k not a good deposit for a property ? Perhaps the people moaning need to consider whether or not they are being greedy. They got a free 50k from a person who they were not close to. I know it’s because they were male but if they don’t want 50k then there’s plenty of organisations and people who will take it off their hands.

Would it really have made you feel better if your dd had visited you in old clothes when you know that she can afford new? Does your dd have to spend the rest of her life facing jokes about greed when she didn’t decide what went in the will. I bet she wished she’d never given away 300k.

Prawncow · 01/04/2024 16:23

She and her brother don’t get on and a mother that reacts like this towards her own daughter is no great loss.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 16:24

Longsight2019 · 01/04/2024 16:11

This is what happened:

Everyone in the family was aware that rich old Aunt Agnes was soon to pass and wondered if they might benefit from her almighty estate, no doubt grown from solid investment but also the gains in property never to be enjoyed by current generations again.

You all feared, to differing degrees, that you may not be included in the will, and that DD was by far the closest, so might therefore be the major beneficiary.

Your fears were confirmed when she inherited the lot, but that left a glimmer of hope that she may equalise the share amongst all, to bring it in line generationally so that each family member benefits fully. After all, she was “just an Aunt” right!?

She gave what was “just” a token (significant due to the size of estate but by no means a large share), and in doing so, and skipping generations of family above her including her own parents, she is now facing the inevitable implications of choosing to remain the very major beneficiary.

So what “should” she have done?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

She was the favourite, and her Aunt’s wishes were granted and so she died knowing that your DD got what she wanted her to have, despite there being other family members who would obviously be affected by the uneven windfall. But you needed to guide her to make a more informed set of moves.

Personally, I would see the solution looking something like this:

Your parents get their £25k each assuming they’re in reasonable financial health. If more is required then a sensible sum agreed. They then get to see their family benefit hugely and have their financial security increased in the following way:

The rest, goes to two families equally - you and your brother. The value at this stage is still significant and life changing for all generations, so this comes with the understanding that monies are split equally now, not on your death with your own offspring, with a view to having a long term approach to family money for the benefit of future generations. i.e. some financial education on how to keep and grow wealth rather than spending it on too many depreciating niceties.

What she’s done is nothing other than selfish, greedy, and hugely harsh on the remaining family who could easily have been Aunt’s favourite. Why on earth would she not want to see the wealth shared within her own family (yours at least, if
not your Brother’s), and avoid the absolutely inevitable resentment that this has and will continue to cause.

I would feel the same as you and your brother in this tormenting situation.

It’s funny that this is being presented as a solution, rather than the actual fucking problem.

That others don’t like what the aunt chose to do with her money isn’t the DD’s problem to appease. If damage is done to relationships going forward, that is on them for prioritising what they believe to be their entitlement to said money. It is that bitterness and resentment that is the problem, not the DD keeping hold of money that is rightfully hers.

They have no entitlement to ‘fairness’ when it comes to money that never has been, isn’t, and won’t be, theirs.

Flossflower · 01/04/2024 16:24

gruberandassocs · 01/04/2024 16:14

I wouldn't dream of taking any of my dc inheritance. Did it cross your mind to tell her to keep it as per her Aunts wishes?

My thoughts exactly. In this country we tend to give money to our children, not the other way round.