My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

It sounds like your daughter and your aunt had a lovely relationship.
It’s unfortunate that she didn’t have such a relationship with the boys, she obviously liked your dd more. So what! It sounds like there were no complaints until there was money involved.

It is your dd’s inheritance and she can do whatever she wants with it

This happened to my sisters dd. She was closer to their grandmother than the others purely because of the fact she was a girl. Her two brothers were always left out. When the gm passed away she left everything to the dd and nothing to her brothers.She immediately decided to split it three ways with her siblings. And they have been very grateful and respect her for it. Bloody awful over the years seeing the favouritism playing out.

Some people are so bitter and envious that they would rather the whole family were left nothing - even though it would cost them personally the £50k they’ve been given - than have one family member inherit the majority of the money.

In this case the person who inherited the money has been the obvious favourite for over 20 years and chose to spend plenty of time with the relative who died. It’s rare for someone in their late teens/early 20s to spend so much time with a relative they don’t live with and to choose to move in with them during lockdown when they were vulnerable must have meant the world. It was such a lonely time for a lot of people. That sounds like a really close relationship.

Yes your Aunt caused this but your daughter has done nothing wrong, it is not fair to make her feel uncomfortable. It wasn't your Aunts wishes for her money to be shared with you and your family. You have to accept that and be very grateful for what you received. If you Aunt had her own kids no doubt no one you would have got anything at all.

Say Aunt had left an equal amount to each child, each of the cousins or whatever, the parents still be there with their hands out?!

Begruding your own child the money is despicable, she did share and she didn't have to. You don't seem to want to answer any of these questions OP and I am starting to smell a greedy rat.

I think your DD has been perfectly fair in sharing the money and, given the attitude of you all, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she's now regretting giving you all anything. Why can't you just be pleased for her?

My only concern would be that if she were to marry and then divorce a few years down the line, she might lose half of it in the divorce.

You all sound jealous and bitter, tbh. Is it because you were all expecting an equal share of auntie's fortune, and think DD should divvy it up to meet your expectations?

@Medschoolmum I don't think 50k is any comparison to 1.9 million. The aunt herself has been quite unkind. What about the aunts own parents? You seem to have assumed that the aunt wasn't closest to ANY other family member don't you think that's a tiny bit odd? Or do you only think its odd for the ungrateful members unlike the aunts parents that are so so grateful for 25k?? Why wouldn't you see your own parents right?.

I am not rich and me and my mother have not spoken for 4 years. I love my mother despite our fall out and I can only speak for myself. I wouldn't treat my mother like this if I had that type of money.....

Let me guess - your DD went and visited your aunt. Keep in contact with her, took her out, spent time with her, knew her well, and likely loved her and was very close to her. It sounds like the rest of you weren’t and didn’t. If that’s the case, your DD deserves every penny of that inheritance because that’s what her aunt wanted, and the fact that she’s given any to you is very generous. If the aunt had little connection with the rest of the family members then why should they get anything at all? That was not her wish.

No- your unreasonable expectations of your daughter have destroyed the family. Set that straight first shall we!

She has given approx £ 300000 between you all out of the 1.9 million she was left with. Still a very generous amount to those who in effect could've still been left with nothing if she chose. But she did the decent thing and gave some.

Also 1.9 million if she's got a 1 mil house will not last her forever OP. By the sounds of it she's burning through it all quite quickly so maybe you should be more concerned re giving her abit of a talk re financial planning making sure that amount can secure her future for abit longer but also whilst having fun. So still having the holidays but not acting like a billionaire because in London that amount won't last her long.

She was the OP's aunt, the inheriting daughters great aunt. Every chance she had no parents living to inherit anything.

This is what happened:

Everyone in the family was aware that rich old Aunt Agnes was soon to pass and wondered if they might benefit from her almighty estate, no doubt grown from solid investment but also the gains in property never to be enjoyed by current generations again.

You all feared, to differing degrees, that you may not be included in the will, and that DD was by far the closest, so might therefore be the major beneficiary.

Your fears were confirmed when she inherited the lot, but that left a glimmer of hope that she may equalise the share amongst all, to bring it in line generationally so that each family member benefits fully. After all, she was “just an Aunt” right!?

She gave what was “just” a token (significant due to the size of estate but by no means a large share), and in doing so, and skipping generations of family above her including her own parents, she is now facing the inevitable implications of choosing to remain the very major beneficiary.

So what “should” she have done?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

She was the favourite, and her Aunt’s wishes were granted and so she died knowing that your DD got what she wanted her to have, despite there being other family members who would obviously be affected by the uneven windfall. But you needed to guide her to make a more informed set of moves.

Personally, I would see the solution looking something like this:

Your parents get their £25k each assuming they’re in reasonable financial health. If more is required then a sensible sum agreed. They then get to see their family benefit hugely and have their financial security increased in the following way:

The rest, goes to two families equally - you and your brother. The value at this stage is still significant and life changing for all generations, so this comes with the understanding that monies are split equally now, not on your death with your own offspring, with a view to having a long term approach to family money for the benefit of future generations. i.e. some financial education on how to keep and grow wealth rather than spending it on too many depreciating niceties.

What she’s done is nothing other than selfish, greedy, and hugely harsh on the remaining family who could easily have been Aunt’s favourite. Why on earth would she not want to see the wealth shared within her own family (yours at least, if
not your Brother’s), and avoid the absolutely inevitable resentment that this has and will continue to cause.

I would feel the same as you and your brother in this tormenting situation.

Why do people think they are entitled to other people's money just because they happen to be related to them?

I assumed the great aunt’s parents are already dead.

Aren’t the parents mentioned the OP’s parents and Aunty moneybags sibling and spouse

If I had been at that meal and it was at my place as a parent id have kicked the grabby idiots out and not to return.

You said she offered more but they didn't want more.
She's not being greedy. Her aunt left her the money. You and your parents and her brother and cousins are being greedy believing you should have some of the money and theb having the cheek to let it all become tense in the family.
If she had a brilliant job or married someone rich or won the lottery....she shouldn't have to share.

I wouldn't dream of taking any of my dc inheritance. Did it cross your mind to tell her to keep it as per her Aunts wishes?

I agree.

@Afana Looks like the aunt had a very good measure of all of you. Your dd was very gracious to share any of it and if this was happening to me, I wouldn't begrudge my dd for doing what she is doing with it. If you continue to be jealous of her I am sure it won't be too long before she cuts contact with you all.

This is what I don't understand.

I do think that parents have an obligation to be fair to their children because they chose to bring those children into the world. And to some extent, I think that grandparents should try to treat grandchildren fairly too.

But other relatives? Nobody has any claim on their money simply because of some sort of tenuous genetic connection. It's bizarre!

The daughter has given
£50k to her mother
£50k to her brother (that she doesn’t get on with)
£50k to her uncle
£50k to cousin 1
£50k to cousin 2
£25k to grandparents (she offered more but it was all they wanted)

She’s given away £275k of her inheritance to family - family that her aunt chose not to leave any money to. That’s obviously not enough for some people. What would be enough?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

If any family member had tried to guide me at 24, or any other age, about how to dispose of my own money, I'd have laughed in their face.

Have you given away £1.5m+ recently?

April fools? Because no one could be as ignorant or vile as this OP appears to be?

Do you regularly make imaginary plans about how to spend other people's money? The entitlement by some people on this thread is shocking.

Yep now we can see why the aunt left it to her!

You should be worried. Your daughter has definitely already spent more than she should have done of that money. She's definitely cut her income to work less hours and you say she's always got new clothes.

It's pretty tragic that seeing your daughter doing well feels to you like salt in your wounds by the way., tragic for both of you.