My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

I’m pleased your daughter has enough money to buy herself some lovely friends since it turned out her parents and other family members weren’t much cop

Your attitude is awful. I feel sorry for your DD having to put up with such ugly jealousy.

My sister is childless and is leaving her assets split between all her nephews and nieces. She wouldn't dream of doing something like this.

Of course it's the aunts money and she can do as she likes.

But I'm not in the least surprised at the fallout, considering the size of the estate.

I would be insanely jealous of my cousin, I'm not ashamed to admit that.

But towards my own daughter? Never in a million years.

We’re 14 odd pages in now OP and you don’t seem to have considered a single viewpoint and only reply to comments that allow you to snipe on how you think the aunt did so wrong. So you knew the past 20 years she favourited your DD but what? You didn’t do anything about it? You still expected more money?

Best of luck to you, I hope your mean spirited rant has been worth this ending up on FB and Daily Mail and causing more upset to your poor DD.

On the off chance anyone reading likely to be in the Aunt’s situation, do look into leaving at least 10% after disbursements to charity- it raises the inheritance tax threshold and reduces the probate admin.

This sh*t is always trotted out on MN. Would you allow an auntie to favourite 1 child out of 3 of your own children? It isn't right. To leave 1 person 1.9 million is ridiculous. What about her own parents? It's odd and I suspect the aunt did it to cause a family fall out. Its cruel.

If you got everything your way going forward how would you like the problem resolved?

Also has everyone else already spent their 50k?

It might have been nice if your daughter was a little bit more considerate in terms of blatant spending (apart from her property). That is, if was blatant in terms of bragging about it.

Other than that the money was left to her. She's given you all something - which she didn't have to do at all - so, unless you want to lose her entirely you need to get to grips with it.

I think having money early on spoils people’s brains and everyone else that can see it is just jealous lmao.

I think the main concern is how much your daughter has already spent, not how much she has kept. She had 1.9 million. She has given away 275k, she has bought a flat in either Kensington or Bayswater for over a million, so let us say 1.3 million, which is a typical price for a one bed in those areas. That means she has probably spent something like 1.55 million and now has £350,000 left.

You say she has cut down on work, has been on lots of holidays and has bought an entirely new wardrobe of clothes. This may be a temporary spending spree and she will now begin to live normally again, but even allowing for the fact her housing costs are now covered for life (although you may find in that part of town that the annual ground rent and service charge cost as much as someone else's mortgage), £350,000 is the kind of sum that you can easily burn through if you don't work much and you spend a lot on holidays and clothes.

I would stop worrying about the jealous cousins and check that your daughter has a good financial advisor and a savings plan.

Give it all to OP to distribute as she sees fit. With more to golden balls ds for reasons.

It isn't right in your opinion.

Personally, I don't think it's right when families tear themselves apart over petty jealousies about money. And I don't think it's right when people have a sense of entitlement about money over which they never had any claim. And I don't think it's right when people are ungrateful for gifts because they believe that they should have been given more.

We all have different moral standards, I guess.

You've still not explained what happened yesterday to make your daughter leave.

I also agree that your aunt was either very naive or not bothered as to to the effect her bequest could have on family dynamics.

So to have such a good relationship with your aunt must have taken considerable effort on your DDs part…

Your daughter has been very generous- but yet you all still want more!!

Its up to her how she spends her money - you are all being unreasonable- however difficult it may be for you and the rest of the family.

You need to accept what has happened. It's almost like your daughter has married a very rich man who now gives her a better life than her siblings, but if that happened you'd probably accept it. Look at a positive.

Your DD could have kept every penny of the money, the fact she offered, then offered more is a BIG thing, a lot decency there.

Your Aunt however should have been thoughtful of this. She should have realised that just because of your daughters fortune to have been born female and look nice in pretty frocks she was giving her unfair attention and advantage over her siblings. It sounds like pure favouritism based on factors that your sons couldn't do anything about and I would say yes your Aunt has driven a financial wedge in your family, albeit completely innocently. If your sons are somewhat put out by that I totally understand, inheritance disputes are almost never about the money, its always about the fairness.

However your challenge now is to not take out your Aunt's unfair distribution on your daughter. She got that money and thats done.

@AfanaIf you think your son deserves to have more, then why not give him your share? If 50k isn’t enough for a house deposit in the Midlands, surely £100k would be?

I don't think it's as straightforward as some posters make out.

Money is just a facilitator. These days, for most people it mostly affords housing security and a crucial safety net.

Imo, it sounds like your aunt pleased herself first and foremost whilst she was alive and in her will. She was remiss in not realising that doing so within a family context can breed resentment and be divisive. But, that's the woman she was and as much as she had to deal with you all (and you all come across as quite envious of a woman who had nobody but your DD at the end), you have to deal with her.

Your DD is young. Sharing expensive interests with her aunt, and also living with her during covid so taking on some responsibility for her, was probably as much of a "what's in it for me?"/"being with my aunt makes me feel special" choice as a genuine source of enjoyment and companionship/affection/love. She could have kept the entire inheritance to herself. She didn't. She's chosen amounts that could make a significant difference to anyone living in the North. On balance, I think your DD sounds like she's made a mature and rational decision re her inheritance.

I think you're wrong to make her feel bad for it. She's done a decent job of the situation she's found herself in.

As her parent and your DS's parent, however, I think I'd be pretty resentful of the aunt putting you in this position. I think I'd have to ensure that my DS received more on my death than my DD, but also ensured that my DD didn't see that as me loving her any less. It's only about the money.

She didn't have to give any of you anything you all sound ungrateful. I bet she wishes she never give you anything now.

the time to intervene in favouritism was when the children were children.

The op was quite happy for her dd to be the fave when it came with weeks of free childcare…

suddenly objecting when there is money involved is grabby in the extreme

By the same shit you mean the truth?

OP did allow her daughter to develop her own relationship with her aunt, and said relationship became a close and loving one, and was acknowledged in the will. There’s nothing ridiculous about that at all.

I think she will be ok I'm not worried about that at all. She has a good job. Her aunt helped her get it and she went in a little above the normal grad role so was making £50k straight out of uni and has had a pay rise since. She is sensible and I don't think she's waiting it.
It's still a bit of salt on the wound when she shows up in brand new clothes every time we see her!

I would assume her parents are dead.

But if one of my children had loads in common with my SIL, I'd do everything I could to encourage their relationship. It seems utterly churlish not to.