My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

Some comments about greed were made and jokes about the money.

It sounds like you're tearing the family apart, not your daughter.

We're you counting on a big inheritance and have been bitterly disappointed?

how can you resent your own child????

It's still a bit of salt on the wound when she shows up in brand new clothes every time we see her!

Imagine being this jealous of your grown up daughter 😳

Honestly, get a grip.

Why is this so surprising? The OP has described that the aunt and daughter were friends and had been over a number of years due to shared interests and time spent together. The OP also hasn't mentioned how close she and her brother/nephews/son were probably because they were "names in an Christmas card" relatives. This is completely normal and human. A nice gift for her friend.

How much money would it take for you to stop resenting your daughter? Can you put a number on it?

Would you rather your aunt had given everyone £50k and left the rest to charities?

Made by whom?
Your son?
Other relatives?
You?

So basically she gave you all 50k and you were so rude in front of her boyfriend she left? How humiliated she must have been!

and you’re whinging that she hasn’t been in touch with you? Have you checked on her?

@InterIgnis ahhh let's be Frank and fair here. Who exactly is kidding themselves here? I have acknowledged that's its the aunts money. However I can't get on board with doing such thing. Fairness is something I live by and it is not exclusive to my child alone. Life doesn't work like that!

The aunt has done a terrible thing.

If I was feeling better I would write a length, I don’t so here is the shortened version.

You are greedy, grasping and beyond belief.

Genuine question - she could have left the entire lot to charity, would you have felt that was better?

I can see its hard that your family are now so financilaly unequal to each other. But its your aunt's right to leave her money to whoever she chose - she chose someone who she'd felt close to for a lot of years.

Who made the comments?

And that is what is causing the problems, not your daughter. Their feelings are theirs to manage, not take out on your DD because of an unjustified belief in their entitlement.

I agree that is was a very strange choice by your aunt. Unless your daughter was significantly more in need than her brother and cousins, or gave much more care to your aunt than them, the aunt really should have given them equal amounts. I agree that is has created a very difficult situation. You can't however blame your daughter and she did give quite a lot away.

Actually, OP, you seem to have destroyed your own family yourself.

None of you were owed anything from your aunt. She could have left it all to charity.

Instead, rather than be pleased for your DD to suddenly receive a huge windfall, you've all been grabby and jealous. Your DD is a kind person and has shared her fortune with you, but it hasn't been enough.

You're squabbling over money that was never yours, and you've been treated very generously.

Perhaps consider that as DD was actually close to your aunt, she's actually upset to have lost someone important to her? Have any of you done anything to support her in her grief or have you just compounded her grief by circling like vultures?

I don't think DD should have given you anything, and I understand why your aunt didn't want to give you anything.

Blood doesn't make family. Supporting each other, doing things together, enjoying each other's company - that makes family. You and your grabby pack cut your aunt off a long time ago through your indifference of assuming that just because you were related, you didn't have to make an effort. And you expected her to be all warm and fuzzy towards you on her death?

Take a long hard look at yourselves, realise how poorly you've behaved and apologise to your DD. And then try actually being happy for her and not resentful, and modelling what being a decent human being is for the rest of your grabby family.

Yabu. Your dd was very generous and was under no obligation to give anyone anything. The aunt was entirely within her rights to choose who to leave her estate to. Your daughter gave away over 10% of her inheritance which is plenty. Her brother and cousins have a significant lump sum which is plenty sufficient for a deposit on a reasonable first home. They are the greedy ones for being jealous and nasty. I bet they never bothered spending time with the aunty while she was alive once they weren't forced to by their parents.

Why is it terrible?

She gave her money to the person she felt closest to. That's very normal.

@alrightjackie charity would of been the best option in this case.

What did you say to your daughter yesterday to ruin the relationship with her? Did you or someone else in the family say she shouldn’t fritter away money? Green eyed monsters piled in. You said she has a good job.

Maybe at a big family gathering she felt bullied. Bet she is feeling annoyed that she handed over a couple of hundred grand to envious family members

So you all happily accepted the 50k each but suddenly that's not enough?!

If your DD had a husband who had similar wealth would your family expect money too?!

By the sounds of it your Aunt and DD had a close bond, it was up to her how to leave her money. This isn't your DDs issue it's your family attitude that is the issue.

The only people affecting your relationship with your DD is yourselves.

It's still a bit of salt on the wound when she shows up in brand new clothes every time we see her!

for a mother to say this about her own daughter.

I just don't have the words actually.

I don’t think it’s helpful to blame your aunt for her choices, or your DD (she’s been more than generous!!) or your past parenting choices in allowing your children to have such different childhoods, or the nephews as children for rejecting the aunt’s attempts to host them. My son loves tennis and museums. Your son didn’t. We drift towards those with similar passions and we build our own relationships. The fact that your son was related to his aunt by blood doesn’t mean he’s entitled to an equal inheritance, especially when it sounds like he didn’t much like or appreciate the aunt.

Your DD had loads in common with her aunt and kind of became like a daughter to her and that continued into adulthood.

Yes, if the inheritance had been split equally you’d probably all be getting on a bit better right now. But it sounds like DD always had very different passions and personality to her brother and cousins and she’d probably have drifted away from them anyway.

That doesn’t matter so much. The person who matters here is YOU. In a mostly-male family you the mother have allowed your daughter to be bullied away from a family Easter celebration by her jealous and greedy male relatives. How sad. You should stand up for your daughter and it’s up to YOU to hold this family together. Particularly as DD will be grieving the death of a woman she loved and saw as a mother figure, but who the rest of you seem to have seen as a cash cow.

It is hard to see your children being treated differently. But stop looking at what your son doesn’t have and just be glad for your daughter. Or you’re going to allow your envy to destroy your relationship with your daughter. Tell your son to grow up and stop whining.

Honestly based on these posts I’d have left it all to the daughter too 😬

Comments about greed…. How ironic, nasty thing you are.

it’s ‘salt in the wound’ when she shows up in new clothes. What 20-something, inheritance or not, isn’t overspending on clothes! You’re unbelievable and I can’t believe you’re bullying your child like this and allowing your family to do it too.

Who is kidding themselves? You, apparently, in thinking you need to get on board with it. You don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Life works in many ways, and it very often works exactly like this. If it didn’t you wouldn’t be here complaining about it.

She gave her money to someone she clearly viewed as a surrogate daughter.

she should not have felt any obligation to not do that to not offend people who don’t bother with her