My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

[Afana]

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

I’d want to know why your aunt felt your daughter was worthy of it all, and no one else a penny…

That you’d sacrifice closeness for your greed says a lot about you.

i hope your DDs partner is a good one and she has good friends around her.

Sure I remember reading about this not so long ago, but Aunt was still alive. If same poster then what you suspected would happen has happened and unfortunately money (especially inheritance) does drive a wedge between families. I can well imagine how jealous her brother is, and I’m sure to him, it doesn’t seem fair at all. My brother would have hit the roof!!

Your daughter is about the only one here who doesn't seem greedy.

We haven't heard from her since!

….. you mean, since YESTERDAY? Shock horror!

YABGreedy and surely you want the best for your daughter. Parents generally want more for their kids than they had.

You all sound awful and greedy, she didn't have to give anything and your lucky she did. Grow up your meant to be her mother

Reading your responses I’m now wondering if your Aunt did this because she felt all the boys are treated better by the rest of you.

Would you all have the same attitude if she had won the lottery?

There is nothing wrong with being resentful. Or jealous. Even @Afana can be.
What is wrong is making it clear and treating someone unfairly on that basis! If tensions were so bad as to make the daughter leave, people must've been sniping at her.

It's not the aunt's fault that the relatives are greedy.

I'd have a different opinion if the daughter just 'happened' to be left the money with nothing else but she spent so much time with the aunt, it's clear she was somewhat of a daughter to her. I'd have expected this to happen.

If 50K is not enough, what do they want, 200K... there's always enough for man's need. Never enough for greed. They'd have whinged no matter what.

I dont think your aunt inheritance choices ruined anything, nor your daughter have done anything wrong.
I think your Aunt assets belonged to her, not to any other member of the family, whatever assumption any of you made prior her deceased was just sand castles in the water.

Once she died, she left her stuff to whoever she wanted, luckily, this preferred person was your daughter, who happens to be fairly generous and dote every one of you with 50.000 no one of you had before.

I would be glad your daughter thinks of the family and I would be even more glad that she doesn't have to struggle to buy anything in the expensive London any longer.

Your family is resenting something they never have and if this persist your daughter will be going low contact or no contact with all of you because it seems that she is the only one realising that if someone gives you a gift you should be grateful for it.

OP you are a grabby nasty piece of work.

I think we know why if their current behaviour and attitude is anything to go by.

£50k is a house deposit for most places out of London! And I’m a bit worried about your description of picnics and museums and Wimbledon being “girly” and not suitable for a boy! Yes your child might not like them but that doesn’t make them gender specific!!

Oh I think the aunt knew exactly what she was doing!! I suspect aunt and DD may have had private conversations about this. It’s plain to see that the aunt knew OP and others did not deserve an inheritance. You’re not just automatically entitled to someone’s money, especially when that is not their wish.

I agree.

Any rational person would have seen this would cause a huge problem.

But you did kind of start this by naming your DD after your Aunt…

if the cousins are struggling to buy in the midlands, with a £50,000 leg up then they need a slap.

your DD and your aunt had a very close relationship, which you helped to foster. How dare you be resentful now! Yes, your aunt could have split it more fairly and given more to the rest of you but she also could have given the lot to charity!

get over yourself, or you’ll lose any shred of relationship you still have with your dd.

Humans aren’t 2d, no, but while resentment may be natural it doesn’t mean it’s a trait that needs indulging. Feeling resentment doesn’t make them right, or their stance justified - it isn’t. This money was never theirs, and they have zero entitlement to it. That they want it, and resent the DD for having it, is their problem. It isn’t her fault, and it isn’t on her to make them feel better.

This.

It sounds like she thought of her as a surrogate daughter, which explains the favouritism.

It's not ideal but that's life! I think your daughter's been generous to share when she didn't have to. If she'd split it equally I think people would still have found reason to
be upset! You need to let this go or the resentment will eat you alive.

Quoting myself but I'd really love you to answer this OP

Your original post made it sound as if your DD was frittering her money away. She had 1.9M, gave approx 300K to you all, bought a flat at just over 1M which needed refurbishment - probably around 100K. So left with around 400K and had invested some of this. All very sensible.

So you’re all jealous because she’s taken a few holidays and bought some new clothes - all of which plenty of young and single people do.

What did you all say to her yesterday that she had to leave ?

Having no children herself, then I can understand her leaving everything to your DD as she was the one who invested a lot of time in her. It sounds like she saw your DD as a surrogate daughter. I can also see why that would upset you because your DS has been left out. But this was your Aunts money to do with as she wished. Your DD was very generous giving you all a small chunk of it, many people wouldn’t even do that and keep the lot for themselves.
You shouldn’t resent the start in life your DD has been given with the money. If you had all invested the same time into the Aunt she would have probably spread it more equally. If you all wanted to spend time with the Aunt you would have all joined her in activities, even if they weren’t to the boys tastes.
Your DD has brought a lot of joy to your Aunts life, and she has quite generously rewarded her for it. Be pleased for her, don’t resent her. You could have all forged the same relationship with the Aunt, you chose not to, so got nothing in return. Makes sense to me.

I don't see how she can be greedy when she was given the inheritance. I guarantee most people would not give away nearly £300k of their inheritance to family members not named in the will. Most men certainly wouldn't going by most MN threads. If the cousins and brother can't make the most of 50k then that's their own business, not the fault of the op's daughter.

Erm, yes. Your aunt liked her so left her all her money. This is normal.

50’000 should go quite a large way towards a deposit. i’d be pretty grateful I went from 0 to 50k. That was generous of your DD.