In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

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Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

Phone and ask what they're doing for lunch. If it's something you know will be in goose fat, have meat served say 'great I'm glad I asked, as you know I'm veggie and won't be able to eat and I didn't want food being thrown away as I can't eat'. I'm pescatarian and if someone doesn't sound sure about what to cook, I always say a ready meal will be absolutely fine for me - it just keeps it easy for them. I've volunteered before to take something I've frozen and a side salad, which I'd be more than happy with so maybe that's something you could do today.

Some people are just twats, let’s face it.

I don’t like a really common treat food and MiL kept giving it to me on special occasions. It felt like a waste of money and there’s a similarly priced alternative that I do like, so I ended up telling her and now she always gets that for me. But SiL determinedly still offers the thing she knows I don’t like when the family is at her house (which owing to circumstance we often are) and makes loud comments about fussy people who can tell the difference between the two things.

In that case of course it’s all just designed to irritate me, I can leave as it as it’s not any core part of the meal, and I only told MiL in the first place as I was bothered at her spending her money on something I dislike - SiL can knock herself out. But it’s the sort of person she is.

Your husband is capable of taking his own children to see them by himself, surely?

They’re being absolute arseholes towards you, but you’re refusing to do anything about it. You seem to be expecting them to magically “get it” one day. They won’t, and I don’t believe they even want to.

Well if you're that passive they'll carry on

If they want to see their grandchildren they'll either have to go to you or change their ways

Why is it ok for them to upset you but they're so precious you can't say your piece? If it turns into a row, that's on them

Nonsense. A separate dish is “a significant amount of effort”? Fucking hell.

I would say repeatedly serving up food you know someone won’t be able to eat is passive aggressive. Basically excluding you by claiming not to remember or not caring?
So what’s your relationship like with them in general?

if they're buying prepared potatoes roast potatoes, why can't they pick up a vegetarian ready meal at the same time?

Let DH visit his vile family by himself.

But having a mix of peas and pancetta just seems like they're trolling you.

Not just having them, rather than plain or minted peas (theyd be good if it was Easter traditional roast lamb) but actually putting them onto her plate...

wtf? There's no good reason for anyone to do that.

They're the ones being rude, incredibly rude.

What if your children become vegetarians?

Why is your husband 'oblivious' to everything? Is he thick? Was he useless before you married him?

I HATE cooking and I manage this

Then they'll pull out all the stops to accommodate I'm sure.

I had a feeling there would be an oblivious husband! They know that they can goad you all they like and get away with it. They have probably also worked out that their son will allow this to happen.

You can paper over the cracks by taking your own food, being more assertive about being unable to eat meant or just not going, but solving the problem will involve you and your husband presenting a united front. For that, you need to make him see that there is a problem to solve.

I'd 100% take my own meal and phrase it as if it's to help them out "don't worry about me il just need a plate. I thought it would be easier to bring my own then you don't need to try changing your meal to suit me or think about anything that may have been cooked with animal products."

I absolutely hate meat in veg. Pancetta in peas. Lardons in Brussels sprouts. Beef fat potatoes. Veg is delicious in it’s own right.

I'm a meat eater

I would absolutely hate pancetta in peas. Butter or mint is as far as I'd go (and better without imo)

Text them now "hiya - I'm looking forward to seeing you later - there were a couple of dishes I couldn't eat last time as they had meat in (peas with pancetta / goose fat potatoes) so can I check what's on the menu today please? I might bring some veggie sides with me"

Well that’s a personal preference. Given that OP only goes to see the in-laws every couple of months, it’s hardly a massive sacrifice to cook them in oil a couple of times a year.

For most decent people, the choice between actively upsetting and making life difficult for the mother of their grandchildren or having roast potatoes they enjoy slightly less every two months would be pretty simple.

They could start now then

Does your husband not say anything?

As a veggie I’d just turn up with my own food and ignore them being hurt about it.
If they couldn’t be bothered to make sure I had something I could eat when inviting us for a meal, then I really wouldn’t be overly fussed about their feelings tbh.
My own PIL were inconsiderate in so many ways (smoking all over someone with lung issues for example) but even they never tried to force me to eat meat.

I find the plating up a bit odd, for an occasion, mine would be in serving bowls so people help themselves. Can you be around at serving up time when they are dishing food out, bag a plate and remind at this time that you are veggie? Even as a meat eater, can’t stand having a plate of food put in front of me with the expectation I should eat it all to avoid embarrassment to the host, unless it’s a restaurant.

“They really do control us with their moods”

Only because you let them. Stop giving them this power”.

“I can’t refuse to go”.

Of course you can. It may be not be easy, but it doesn’t seem like going is easy either. Pick your difficult.

it sounds like they like to create drama. That’s their choice. But you get to choose how to react. You don’t have to go along with it, you can choose to ignore it.

Personally if I have vegetarian guests I cook a vegetarian meal. But if it were a special occasion where most of the people there would expect meat, I would want to rise to the occasion and provide a really nice vegetarian alternative. I realise I have the luxury of enjoying cooking and have the resources to prepare an alternative.

But I just don’t understand anyone who takes satisfaction in being a bad host. It’s rude and unpleasant.

"They really do control us with their moods.

Got another lunch today, let's hope the roast potatoes aren't in goose fat like normal"

Yep, this is about control. They're forcing you into either eating something you don't eat and find repulsive, or having to leave it. It isn't a mistake. A normal person would think "DIL couldn't eat the peas last time because they had pancetta in them, so I won't serve those again", but instead they've been serving you this stuff for years. It's deliberate.

Don't feel that you're rude for leaving it. If you get disapproving looks or comments, just say they know you don't eat meat but after all these years they still serve it to you.

Your reluctance to make this "an issue" means they'll keep doing it. And your husband should support you.

It's not hard to cater for a vegetarian. Roast dinner, I'd have done the meat as usual. Then roasted the spuds in oil, and used regular veg, although no sides I served yesterday anyway wouldn't have been suitable for a vegetarian, vegan would have taken a bit more thought . Gravy ours would be made from the roast, sorry yours straight from a pack. Your main would be what ever vegi nut roast/ something oven based you preferred. It wouldn't have cost more. You visit regularly so I would have a pack in the freezer and I could have used a smaller roast. I have also catered to a vegan friend who visited a while ago.

Being vegetarian isn't being fussy, but having food preferences (as long as you will give it a go) IMO isn't fussy either.

BTW I am a cattle farmer and live on a farm.