In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

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Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

Yes. You can.

Because some people are better cooks that others. My mother can probably cook a roast dinner in her sleep, whereas for me it would be a huge undertaking- throw in cooking another dish at the same time or keeping and eye on an extra meals timing and I will find it hard!!

Why can't you?

I wouldn’t invite someone over if I felt I couldn’t accommodate them.
It’s very rude

But they don't appear to make any effort. And if you don't want to cook for peoples needs and wants don't invite them over.

I use olive oil for my roast potatoes and they are delicious!

Have you asked them why? I would suggest to them that you can bring your own food to be cooked there if they can’t accommodate- no meat! I’m vegetarian, I always call ahead with my parents as sometimes they forget and I bring something with me.

Roast potatoes just aren't as good without goose or duck fat, it's just not possible.

I'm surprised they haven't learned over this length of time so I would be suspicious. I woudld eat before I go and just start telling them you have a dodgy tummy, every time. If they get suspicious and ask, just remind them you're a vegetarian. They can have hurt feelings oevr that, it's not a big deal.

Well, it's about taste and how you do them I suppose.
I'm not vegetarian either. But prefer potatoes roasted in olive oil. Far superior in my opinion.

I can understand the roast potatoes in goose fat thing, especially if it just doesn't cross their mind because they've always done them that way or they have another reason to do that.

But having a mix of peas and pancetta just seems like they're trolling you. If people want those mixed together they can do that themselves. Bizarre.

Wow they are really really shit. It's not too hard to accommodate this. I had shit PIl now no contact.

Having principles about the cruelty involved in meat production is being 'fussy'? How about I redefine all meat eaters as 'callous'. Does that work for you?

How about religious food restrictions, such as not eating pork? Too fussy for you? Are coeliacs fussy too? People with severe food allergies?

I think there's often quite a bit of resentment from some meat eaters about possibly having to eat their potatoes without goose fat or beef dripping because 'it just isn't the same'. If that isn't being fussy, what is? The odd meal where the potatoes/vegetables are cooked differently isn't going to hurt. I eat meat myself but it's not the be all and end all.

It’s really not that difficult. If someone thinks it is so hard to swap goose fat for olive oil to accommodate someone in their family once in a while then it says more about them.

I’ve just done a kids party where there were multiple allergies to accommodate. It maybe took an extra hour of thinking and researching to make sure the food was safe and appropriate for all. It’s not that hard.

I take my own food for exactly this reason, just something quick and easy which can go in the microwave. This works for me and saves whoever is hosting having to go out of their way to make something different.

So they’re able to “take it personally” and be “sensitive” when they knowingly hurt your feelings

so give it right back.

either refuse to go, insist on eating out to control your menu choices

or take your own food.

yeah they will potentially kick off, but be calm and matter of fact with your responses and say “I’m a vegetarian but in all the times I’ve been here, everything has meat in it. As eating meat is clearly important to you, it’s easier if I just bring my own food so there’s no pressure on you, and I don’t go home either starving or feeling unwell”

your OH seriously needs to step up here too.

Personally I’d turn up with a large “side dish” to share which could double in a pinch as your entire meal. A cauliflower cheese or sweet potato gratin or a rice salad. Because this is a contribution for the table it’s less passive aggressive than just a Tupperware with your own food so less likely to trigger a mood. But you shouldn’t have to and they sound very trying!

@CloudsUnderwater , I’m curious to know if you think a Muslim not wanting to eat pork is ‘fussy’?

DD1 is veggie and had the roast dinner yesterday with a cheese pastry instead of lamb (and DD2 and DH had both lamb and veggie options!) My MIL made it and is a good cook, but you could easily buy something like this and heat it up, it really doesn't have to be hard. Putting bacon in peas seems trying hard to include meat in everything!

Equally it's really no big deal to do a separate small tray of stuff roasted in olive oil even they want the goose fat or beef dripping version themselves. Some people are just arseholes for the sake of it.

Thoughtless and ignorant…
not acceptable

Of course you can do it. You just feel awkward doing it, which is understandable. But have they given one single damn about making YOU feel awkward, or in any way welcome?

Pancetta doesn’t end up in peas by accident. They are doing this to be deliberately unkind - and at the moment, you’re showing you won’t fight back. Refuse to go next time, and say why.

Now, I see it the other way. If you eat there regularly, they obviously know you're vegetarian; so they're doing it on purpose.

I'd either take my own food if you feel like you can't say anything and when they comment just say oh I hate feeling like I'm wasting your food and because it's made with animal products I can't eat it and that's just a waste so I've bought my own so I don't waste any of yours and then change the subject.
If they get upset just be polite and say it's against my beliefs to eat anything made with animals products.
At the end of the day you either let them know the line or nothing will change. If they get upset then they'll just have to get over it