In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

Stop going. Or take your own food.

I don't understand why you put up with their intransigence. Just change the system.

OP is probably just a nice person. Which is why she doesn’t want animals to die for her meals.

Absolutely agree.

There is literally no way they don't know she can't/won't eat it so they're doing it on purpose.

And yes, being wasteful as they know it won't be consumed!

I suspect they are just very ignorant. My parents couldn't cope with my DD allergies as a child. She had a large number and even though I explained it in detail and detailed what she could have, they never once in 8 years managed to serve a meal she could have. It caused a huge amount of upset. I would need to redo dinners (sensitive even with cross contamination) and in the end I took every meal she ate. They weren't happy and argued with me constantly that they could do it, but they always got something wrong. I'd take a set of M&S vegetarian meals and make it obvious they could have just picked you something up too.

I will mention to my husband again today.

Doesn't sound like there's much point mentioning it to him, just speak to whoever is cooking

@spotlightq just to add, it sounds like you are being way too passive about this.
Sounds like they are making mistakes and you are just sat there passively not correcting them in the moment.

I decided after a couple of years I needed to show my ILs how to make my cup of tea as it was so weak with literally a drop of milk when they made it. I couldn't tolerate shite tea, you are tolerating shite meals - you need to tell them.

They are shit hosts. There is no need to put meat in peas. MN is full of nonsense defending this behaviour.

I am not vegetarian but would not dream of serving pancetta to a vegetarian, not least of all a loved family member who I had known for years was vegetarian.

It is not as if it’s more of an effort not to add the meat 🙄

I think OP said it was one of those ready meal type things from M and S so not home made.
Not as if that's any excuse, it'd just be as easy to get some normal bloody peas as well if they were truly doing it "for ease."

I am vegetarian so understand the importance of other people respecting your diet.

A few things come to mind:

• where is your partner in all this? because he should have had a word with his parents a long time ago basically in the line of 'we will no longer have lunch/dinner with you if you don't start showing my wife the respect she deserves and accept her dietary needs.'

• they know full well what they are doing and I would refuse to join them for meals until they grow up...

Pancetta does nothing, in my opinion for what it's worth, to improve the taste of peas. Far from it. It overwhelms the fresh, green taste of the peas.

I’m vegetarian and this would infuriate me and I wouldn’t be so passive. I know you don’t want to upset them but they dont care about you.
I would not eat the rest of the food if meat was on my plate either and every time take my own food, if they refuse to listen.

Call them out on it. Say sorry, you’ve forgotten I’m a vegetarian. Otherwise you’re teaching your children to let people ride over their needs. Also to be controlled by their moods as you put it.

I've been vegetarian for over 40 years . DH for 35 years

I haven't eaten at PIL for many years but they did give us pizza with pepperoni ( y'know , sausage) and chicken soup (that we could pick the chicken out of)
No malice , just not "getting it"

My Dad used to buy in food for me (looked for the Vegan/Vegetarian signs) but if we went went shopping he'd say "Go and pick yourself some cold meat"

I'd gently pisstake "What sort of cold meat do vegetarians eat then, Oh Daddy of Mine" ?
"Chicken...or ham" he'd suggest
Then, the penny dropped .
Again no malice , they just didn't get vegetarianism .

You are everything that is wrong with Mumsnet.

A vegetarian is “batshit” and should “woman up” because her in-laws who have known her for years refuse to cater for her when hosting. It isn’t difficult to cater for a veggie. Her in laws are being obscenely rude and thoughtless.

On the basis of what you’ve written I would suggest it’s not just ignorance but a combination of selfishness and ignorance. They absolute know what they’re doing. They find the idea of putting themselves out to suit you really irritating so they blur the boundaries by sort of catering for you but not doing it properly.
Most people’s suggestions here won’t work for you, because they lead to potential outcomes which you’re not willing to face e.g. their sensitivity/moods. The best suggestion is Octavia64’s. Take flowers and wine. Be charm personified. Eat well in advance and just eat what you can. This way allows you to go on without a big showdown but it doesn’t resolve the issue.
Really, ultimately, you’re best off making your husband understand that he needs to put a stop to them feeding you meat, but I understand that this feels difficult for you right now.

If I know someone is veggie (and I always ask) I will provide accordingly. Likewise other diet stuff. It isn't in the least difficult, it's been widespread for decades now. Vegan is a bit harder, but as it happens I haven't had to host any vegans. I'd ask their advice if I did. Same for any special medical diet-in fact, I'm asking someone right now about theirs because they're coming for a few days.
Once I had veggies for chistmas dinner, I was more than happy to cook anything they asked for but they said they really wanted som special xmas M&S nut roasts, so I got some. We had an M&S in town, so I'm sure they thought it would make it easy for me, but my local one didn't stock them- I never mentioned I had to drive about 60 miles round trip to get them.😊But I didn't mind at all, it was a pleasure- I was just happy to get something I knew they'd really like.
But-
Demanding, faddy eaters who make life complicated are quite a different matter. If someone like that was coming, they'd be free to eat what I provided or bring their own. Fortunately I don't know any. Or maybe that type of person is also someone who has other traits that mean I wouldn't fancy asking them to my house anyway- at its worst, expecting others to provide for your own faddy eating is a passive aggressive form of control, and I won't thole that.

I'd bring a microwave meal and box of salad. Just say, I have a sensitive tummy sojive brought my own meal.

This is sad OP. Is there a reason you’re continuing this?

OP, sorry to break it to you but they are clearly doing this deliberately. They know you don’t eat meat and yet time and time again they serve you meat. Ask yourself why this might be. I will tell you - they don’t like you.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but that’s the reality of it. And I have been there and experienced the same kind of petty nastiness from some of my in-laws. Nothing I did changed the way they were towards me and my husband never had the backbone to stick up for me so in the end I just cut all contact with them and it was the best decision I ever made.

As an adult you either decide to put up with this or you stand up for yourself. It’s maddening to hear your complaining but then explaining why every solution offered isn’t workable.

unless your in laws have a cognitive impairment they are doing this deliberately. They probably think it’s too much hassle and you should just eat meat.

either stand up for yourself or let them walk all over you. For gods sake show your kids how to be a decisive functioning adult!

No! You say I am a vegetarian and therefore can’t eat the meat dishes you serve!

wjg is everyone so bloody passive!

I have roasted potatoes in extra virgin olive oil and they come out fine, if a little greenish. Just roast them more slowly at 180/90 or so. They are nice with crushed rosemary and garlic in the oil.

Another choice is rape seed oil which can take higher temperatures. Cold pressed is minimally processed and it doesn't have a strong favour. They come out crispier with this, rather than the olive oil.

My DIL doesn’t eat red meat, just fish, turkey and chicken - so, by your rules, I should just serve her beef and bacon when she and my ds and their daughter come to visit, @CloudsUnderwater?

Utter nonsense - and pretty nasty too.

I plan meals that I know she will eat and enjoy, because I love her, and because she makes my ds so happy - and so I want her to feel comfortable and welcomed here. And even if a guest is not my DIL and beloved of my ds, I would still want them to feel comfortable and welcomed here as a guest, so I would make food they would enjoy. Isn’t that basic decency?

I don't eat meat, but if I go to someone's house, I don't fuss about what the potatoes are cooked in, or whether pastry is made with lard. I eat fish now, but even when I didn't, I wouldn't say I was vegetarian because although I wouldn't use lard, gelatine etc, I wouldn't actively ask and avoid if someone had cooked for me.

I wouldn't eat peas with pancetta, but if that's what the hosts want fine. Putting it on my plate - not acceptable. I would be insisting on plating my own food.

ok understood, but stop making excuses for your in laws. This is why shitty people continue to do shitty things because no-one challenges them on it or panders to their ‘sensitivity’, doesn’t make them any less shitty for them basically disrespecting you and sticking two fingers up to your food choices. It’s so frustrating! And also your DH needs to sort himself out. He should be absolutely backing you and making it clear to his parents. Why put up with this? Who will be upset? Who won’t like it? Well tough shit. You’re the one that’s suffering. Either do something about it and stop worrying about everyone else for a second, making excuses for them. Or continue making excuses but can’t complain then if nothing is done about it. They clearly aren’t bothered about serving you meat. If my in-laws did this to me I would just wouldn’t go for lunch. You’re an adult, you make your own decisions. 😊