In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

Every time they serve something with meat, you say "Oh, I can't eat that, I'm vegetarian remember". And repeat. Forever. No guilt. They know.

Do they accommodate anyone else? My in laws do nothing to accommodate my family whilst making sure that cousins even have the bread they 'must' have with a meal and baking it for then regardless of what the meal is. It's very passive aggressive and very deliberate. Don't take it and don't go if it doesn't stop because their will be other signs to your children that you and by extension them are not liked. Of course it's not hard to have peas without meat. It's a choice. They have every day you are not there to eat the peas that way if they want.

We do live in the real world, and these are people’s real lives, and Christmas and Easter really do emphasise how many MNers don’t have the minimum level of self-respect and self-worth to assert themselves after, for example, nine years of being served inedible food. It is honestly pretty heartbreaking.

It doesn’t need to mean going NC or LTB or any of the other MN clichés which mean chucking a grenade into a life but it does mean using your words to assert yourself and expecting your spouse to back you in your reasonable request to be served food you can eat at every family occasion. Basic, basic expectations.

Unbe fucking lievable.

They sound like my ex-in laws! YANBU, but I think you need to speak up for yourself, bring your own food or stay away.

Vegetarians and vegans are in fact morally superior, because they put ethics above their own pleasure and convenience. Eating meat - killing sentient animals - is morally wrong.

@ChedderGorgeous you cannot be for real? Your comments are so absurd. Would you serve a Muslim person pork because you want to make their food “more interesting”? Or are there just certain people you disrespect?

In this case it sounds like they are not being careful reading the ingredients. Some people are funny about wearing glasses and can't read them in the supermarket. Or just are not careful enough to check.

I don't think it's rude at all to bring your own food in this situation. But I'd get your partner to speak to them about it plainly first.

It's perfectly conventional not to give meat or meat-basted meals to vegetarians. Maybe he has to say "Spotlightq is a vegetarian. I don't know if you realise but a lot of the pre-prepared stuff you get has meat products in so she can't eat it. Here's some things she can have (list off the section they need to look at in whatever supermarket) or we're happy to bring her something if that's easier".

If they continue or don't care, then you can be more assertive without feeling so bad about it and just arrive with your own food.

I think you might be my SIL! My SIL has been vegetarian since she was tiny. Our in-laws think catering to vegetarians just means not serving them a lump of steak, pork or chicken. They wouldn't think about "small" things like pancetta, goose fat, fish sauce, chicken stock etc. They have no interest in understanding it either.

One time, when we were all there for lunch, MIL made a stack of cheese and ham toasties for everyone. SIL asked was there one without ham for her. MIL said she thought the ham would be ok because it was only one slice and SIL wouldn't be able to taste it. She then begrudgingly opened up one of the toasties, took the ham out, then gave the toastie to SIL. 🙃Thankful my BIL isn't as oblivious as your DH though. He went and made her a cheese, tomato and pesto one!

@Manxexile "So do you mean that being polite and accommodating other people's wishes and not being rude only works one way?"
No. I believe that serving nice food and accommodating people's likes and dislikes goes both ways. But being vegetarian is not a like or a dislike any more than having religious dietary requirements is. Presumably you wouldn't expect a Jewish person to cook you bacon or a Hindu to cook you beef. Why would you expect a vegetarian to cook you meat?

Wow, this thread has been a bit of an eye-opener for how unaccommodating people can be. Surprised to see comments saying OP is ‘fussy’ or ‘can’t you just eat what thy serve as a one off’ or claim that it’s difficult to cater for veggies.

My DD went veggie a few years ago, totally her choice - me & DP aren’t veggie. It’s no bother at all to cater for her. We had roast yesterday and veg was cooked in olive oil. Delicious. She had everything but the meat.

We’ve never had any problems with it. Her friends parents always ask about likes/dislikes when she goes for play dates, I can order veggie lunches for school and veggie options in restaurants.

Honestly, anyone who ignores someone being veggie is either rude or dense. OP, I’m not sure which your ILs are but I’d point out every time they serve you meat. If they’re deliberately doing it rather than it having not occurred to them, I’d ask them why.

Just stick some parboiled potatoes in a different dish and use different oil. Does it really take that much imagination?

Yes, very good. Nice pisstake to get people riled up. 🙄

You can buy ready prepped veg and a main for under a fiver and just throw it in the oven alongside the meaty stuff!

It requires virtually zero effort.

so its been 9 years and tey still give you meat

ridiculous i just wouldnt go-and dont say you cant

your useless partner can take kids over

@ChedderGorgeous

i can’t believe that you think op should just eat meat cos her inconsiderate in laws can’t be fucked being half decent people

I actually find you, a grown adult, ridiculous.

The second time they did this would have been the last time for me.

You do have agency here OP. Otherwise not sure the point of you posting is.

It's really not that difficult to cater for a vegetarian.

I get what you say about not wanting to wake two sleeping children to leave. Personally I'd be having a delicious takeout delivered if I couldn't eat the food and not worrying too much about any offence caused.

It astounds me that people think it’s ok to invite someone to their home and refuse to cater to their (perfectly reasonable) preferences. Why would you want to someone to have a shit time and go
hungry whilst watching you indulge? Why would that be ok to treat someone with so little regard.

Your basically inviting someone and saying:-
”Would you like to come and watch us eat on Sunday, we won’t cater for you, but we’ll be stuffed” what’s the joy in that?

I love having people round and sharing a meal with them. My circle includes me - no wheat, a vegan - her choice, my friend who
is lactose intolerant. We might not all be able
to eat everything on offer but we all try our best to accommodate and it’s really not that hard. In fact it’s much easier to be kind than sit being watched by a hungry onlooker.

Not everyone can eat vegetable oil, it gives me painful gas and bloating.

Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but if a vegetarian invites their PIL round for a meal and the PIL say "We don't like vegetarian food - we only eat proper food with meat", should the vegetarian accommodate their wishes?

I doubt there is anyone on the planet @Manxexile who only ever eats meat and nothing else, unless they're part wolf. It's hardly the same thing, is it?

We’re all missing the point here - not every meal revolves around roast potatoes 😂

Yes exactly - it’s different to serve something someone has specifically excluded from their diet than it is not
to include every food source in one meal.

I’d tell em to grow up - “proper food with meat” yeah fuck off

She sounds a fool. Solidarity #TeamCoeliac. 💪

I think it depends. If it is for religious reasons or deeply held animal welfare beliefs then of course not. If you are a vegetarian due to health benefits/ personal taste, having a dash of beef broth or something every 8 weeks for family harmony doesn't seem like such a big deal.