In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

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Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

You can, you know.

yes but if they are continually unpleasant then all bets are off....and no, visiting in laws is not a duty.

I don’t know, really. I think that after so many years I would be used to bring my own food or would have stopped accepting invitations long time ago.

This should absolutely not be necessary. These people are being deliberately nasty.

Op, you say you have more things to argue over such as your children. I’m at a loss as to how them treating you in such a derogatory way sends a good message to your children. Will they, in turn, disrespect you? And will that be accepted?

We get this with IL who think it's a passing ridiculous fad that DD is vegetarian (and has been for nearly 15 years!)
Every bloody time we ended up discussing it with them and every time they passive aggressively "forgot" and tried to serve her meatand go on and on about it as if its a personal affront. I usually cater for dairy free, gluten free and veggie if hosting at xmas and just don't tell them as it starts WW3 at the table.
So now DD doesn't come along if we (rarely) meet up with them and they are no longer invited to eat with us at Xmas.

I'd be reiterating how long you've been together/been vegetarian and suggest if they can't remember that then a visit to the GP for a memory test is due!

Your MIL can't be very bright if she thinks pork is vegetarian and not meat! That is ludicrous.

But they aren't cooking from scratch, they are buying pre-prepped food from M&S and making that for everyone (including OP).

To be honest OP, I think you are being unreasonable in the fact that you KNOW they do this, you KNOW they aren't choosing to prepare the food that way to spite you, they are just buying it for convenience and from the choice available at M&S, so why not just bring your own meal to whack in the oven at the same time, I'm sure M&S must have a choice of veggie dishes that you can eat? They obviously don't want to buy a separate dish for you on top of everything else, so just bring your own or use your words!!

It is a difficult one, and they are in the wrong technically, but they are hosting your family quite frequently, so I would feel uncomfortable asking them to buy something extra specifically for me, or cook from scratch just because I need them to.

If you were incredibly over-sensitive, and took it personally when they served you meat, and caused problems, they probably wouldn’t have done it a second time… you smoothing things over is not helping you here. Cause a scene and flounce out, or bring your own food, or do something, anything to show them how unacceptable it is.

Why hasn’t your DH said anything? I’d go mad at DM if she deliberately served DH something she knew he couldn’t eat. It is so rude and inhospitable.

And the posters saying MIL doesn’t have to accommodate dietary preferences - no she doesn’t, but most hosts want to make their guests feel welcome, and cook food with the intention that they will enjoy eating it. Not go out of your way to cook something you know they can’t eat, and then shout “In your face, DIL!”

Depends on their behaviour.

Would you say the same if someone doesn’t eat something for religious reasons?

@CloudsUnderwater

omg being veggie is not the same as being fussy!

and being veggie IS morally superior!

Again, we have a sensitive person who is happy to ignore someone else's choices but oh no, they can't possibly handle being told. Yet expect you to be quiet and compliant. Fuck that.

Related to this

This is truly awful and they seriously disrespect you. I suspect your husband is keeping well out of the way because he chose you and they didn't approve or something. So any move that contradicts them would just cause more ructions. He's choosing a quiet life, and I get why, but he's not yet putting you first. I hope at some point he will do, but at this point I would be voting with my feet. You don't have to go visit them.

"But they aren't cooking from scratch, they are buying pre-prepped food from M&S and making that for everyone (including OP)."

But that makes it easier for them. All they have to do is buy a couple more little foil trays.....

@Hotdogity

why is a separate dish needed?

Why can’t everyone just eat veggie for the meal ?

Can you point out once more with feeling that you’re vegetarian and tell them that from now on, to avoid wasting so much food, you’re happy to bring your own ? They need to acknowledge that they’re being disrespectful so you perhaps need to force the issue a bit. Alternatively, if they’re buying in pre-prepared food, you could perhaps suggest a veggie M&S dish you like and ask them to get that for you. Might get a bit monotonous but at least you could eat it !!

I think that’s a really unpleasant and unwelcoming attitude to have. You sound rather like YOU think you’re morally superior.

Honestly, even if it was, and OP just wouldn’t eat green things on a Tuesday, a decent host would make sure what they were cooking would be liked and eaten by their guests. These ILs are rude and inhospitable, and OP shouldn’t have any qualms about responding in kind.

Why isn't your DH reminding them every single time that you are a vegetarian? I can't eat gluten and my MIL always manages to ensure at least half of every meal is a no-go for me. My DP calls her out every time and she feigns 'oh I forgot'. I've not been able to eat gluten for five years! It feels like pettiness masked as ignorance.

That sounds passive aggressive to me, disapproving of your food choices, they don’t come out and say it so they’ll do it another way. They know what they’re doing. They don’t listen to you, well they do, but ignore you. Remind them.. “I’m sorry I can’t eat this, it’s contains meat, I don’t eat meat?”
“.if it’s problem to you I can bring my own food, that way I’m sitting here starving while the rest of you tuck in.”

So do you mean that being polite and accommodating other people's wishes and not being rude only works one way?

Yep, petty and also controlling !!

But it's not difficult to cater.
Cook the potatoes in Trex. Add the pancetta to the peas after OPs' serving has been taken out.

A vaguely mild inconvenience at best.

This.
PILs were unreasonable about a lot of things, but even they have always co-operated on this one, although it helps that DH was a vegetarian before I was. So your DH's support is crucial here. We bring our own food or they serve side dishes that are veg, even if its a mack and cheese ready meal. So its perfectly possible to manage this if both sides are willing

You say your DH is "oblivious". No, he isn't. He knows perfectly well what is going on but chooses to pretend it's not happening because that is easier for him. You are too polite to make a fuss and that is what everyone is banking on.

In your case however, they are are not willing. You seem so worried about appearing "rude" ( although they are being bloody rude IMHO after 7 years of being told you are vegetarian) You worry about causing offence, but its offensive of them to serve food they know you can't eat.

They are NOT over-sensitive. This is not about food this is about putting you in your place.

You say you save your powder for arguments over the children. That doesn't bode well either. If they dominate you over this, it makes it easier for them to dominate you over everything. I think regaining your ground starts with addressing this issue. You are allowed to "answer back". It's not "rude" or offensive to civilly stand up for yourself, so come up with some non-apologetic phrases.