In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

“They really do control us with their moods”

Frankly, that’s your problem. Don’t let them.

You could also pick all the meat off the vegetables that they cook and mix with meat. It is not rude to leave food on your plate.

I think this might be the funniest thing I've ever read on here🤣🤣

Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but if a vegetarian invites their PIL round for a meal and the PIL say "We don't like vegetarian food - we only eat proper food with meat", should the vegetarian accommodate their wishes?

Regarding the peas mint and (bloody) pancetta bought from M&S or Tescos, does the OP know for sure that the PIL understand that "pancetta" is meat and that she can't eat it? I ask because my parents wouldn't have had a clue what pancetta was and would have assumed that a pea and mint dish from M&S was a vegetable dish. (Ditto the pepperoni pizza reviously mentioned by another poster)

And the idea from somebody else that they probably didn't even use separate chopping boards and utensils for meat and vegetables is just ridiculous. Of course they wouldn't use separate chopping boards and utensils. Are they meant to have separate washing up bowls, sinks and dishwashers? How about a separate kitchen? (In the case of potentially fatal food allergies I can see the need for separation - but this isn't what we are talking about here.)

I can also fully understand somebody's PIL saying "We've cooked a beef casserole but we can pick the beef out for spotlightq". It might seem ridiculous but I can fully imagine many people thinking that was ok.

I don't know if spotlightq's PIL are being deliberately unpleasant and hostile or whether they are simply thoughtless, stupid or plain ignorant.

But in either case I don't understand why - after at least 7 years of this - neither the OP nor her husband hasn't simply explained in words of one syllable to his parents what being a vegetarian means and what the OP can and can't eat.

Sounds to me like this hasn't been effectively communicated.

Or perhaps they are just complete twats...

I feel your pain. My MIL is abroad and won't come here to visit, nor will she let anyone else cook in her kitchen. The handful of things she cooks are all meat based things and the rest is ready prepared stuff. She can't seem to understand what "meat" is. The first time I forgave her for serving me a pork stew as she said she didn't realise meat included pork... she still can't wrap her head round goose fat roasties not being veggie. I think she just imagines "meat" as meaning actual lumps of steak etc.
Nowadays we treat her to a takeaway and eat out a lot when visiting.

Could she have some wafer thin ham?

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, simply that I can imagine some passive aggressive types saying "we have to eat veggie when we are at her house, we'll damn well make her eat meat when she's at ours!"

We live in the real world where we have to do things we don’t necessarily like . And when you marry a spouse, there’s a normal expectation or duty if you like that you will visit their family.

My daughter is vegetarian and I find it minimal effort to cook a roast we can all eat. I do roast potatoes in ghee and cold pressed rapeseed oil now, even when she's not here, they are just as good, so I don't bother to buy dripping any more.

I always do Yorkshire puddings in a muffin tin, so doing some of them vegetarian would just be a matter of two holes having oil instead of animal fat, it's hardly a lot of effort!

Bisto gravy granules are vegetarian too, so that's just a question of putting the kettle on.

We do a couple of veggie sausages instead of the meat, or something that can go in the oven (it's shame Sainsbury's have stopped doing their lovely frozen nut cutlets!)

It really isn't a lot of hard work, especially if you love someone.

Don't be ridiculous!

How hard is it to set aside one portion of peas that you won't add pancetta to?

To stick a small nut roast (or even a ready veggie meal) into the oven with the roast?

This isn't fussiness - it's a choice based on health and/or moral grounds.

It's not like she's asking them to pick tiny shreds of celery out of the minestrone because she doesn't like it!

If someone repeatedly gave you (say) boiled tripe every time you visited even though you had said each and every time that you didn't eat it because it's disgusting would you not find it rude?

@Manxexile "Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but if a vegetarian invites their PIL round for a meal and the PIL say "We don't like vegetarian food - we only eat proper food with meat", should the vegetarian accommodate their wishes?"

No.

That’s lovely.

I am in this exact situation today.
I am taking my own food. I will passively aggressively ask if I can cook it. They will be offended but I don’t care. I have been vegetarian for 33 years ffs!
(I am now thinking about the Phoebe/Mike lamb eating in laws situation on Friends 😁)

Their behaviour is deliberate. It’s not really just about the food is it. They want you to respond. Then they’ll act all innocent and say they are upset you don’t like their food.
I’d guess they don’t want you there but want you to be seen as the aggressor.

This 👆

It's been 7 years. They are still disrespecting you, because you let them.

Like PP said, there is no need to angry or disrespectful the next time this happens. Just say something along the lines of , "you know that I am vegetarian and can't have this food. Is there anything vegetarian? If not, I can order something in. Happy to get my own food next time I come over". If you have to, practice what and how you'd say it next time. Learning to stand up for yourself can take time and practice.

Dont just leave it. I would suggest as soon as you spot it nicely saying every time, oh I’m really sorry I can’t eat this as it’s meat, and I’m a vegetarian.
Do you have any vegetables/potatoes/pasta etc I can prepare instead? Eventually they’ll realise they look like dicks every time you come round, or get fed up with you preparing more food every time.

Frankly - why do they insist on plating up a meal with food OP is going to have to leave?

I hate your PIL and I don’t even know him. What a shithead.

Exactly this.

If you still eat some of the food served they will think its ok to carry on as they do.

Dont eat/touch ANY of the food on your plate if it involves meat.

You're an adult. Stand up for your self.

I haven’t read the whole thread OP so sorry if you’ve expanded on this - is your husband in your corner generally?

Got another lunch today, let's hope the roast potatoes aren't in goose fat like normal

Sounds exactly like mother. She can't see the problem with roast spuds being done in animal fat or using the same utensils for meat and veggie stuff. She just get that as well as not eating meat that they don't want their food to be contaminated. Biggest joke is she is a coeliac and goes mad when people don't consider her dietary requirements.

thread winner!

You or your husband should text them the day before with a reminder, and perhaps an offer to. bring your own food.

They are incredibly sensitive?

No they are not.

They are incredibly rude. If they were incredibly sensitive they would understand that vegetarians do not eat meat and its offensive and they would be sensitive to it.

I'm sorry but YABU here. You need to stop being a doormat and YES upset them if need be to make the point how upsetting this is.

More to the point though, where the fuck is your other half in this?