In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

A lot of veg can be made much more delicious with meat (be it small cubes of meat for flavouring, animal fat or shredded meat). It sounds like your in laws are just trying to give you more interesting food (in their view). Depending on the reasons for you vegetarianism, could you just eat what they serve up as its only once ever 8 weeks?

Sorry but what 😂
Make a dish more interesting (,by sticking meat in the peas for the vegetarian)
"Eat what they serve up" what, like pick out the pancetta?! 😁
You remind me of that character off Royle Family, you'll be suggesting wafer thin ham as an alternative next lol

Do you serve meat if they come to visit you? Wondering if it's them trying to make a pooint?

@ChedderGorgeous "A lot of veg can be made much more delicious with meat (be it small cubes of meat for flavouring, animal fat or shredded meat).

<beats head repeatedly against brick wall>

This! No, they don’t have to accommodate her, but why on earth would you invite someone for a meal you know they will not eat? It’s like a weird power trip, serving someone a meal with ingredients they eschew - like you’re trying to humiliate them and make them feel embarrassed and uncomfortable so you can get your petty victory. If they don’t want to cater for your preferences they can invite you for a cup of tea, or out for dinner, but to make you sit there while everything they serve is derived from animals (and I’m a meat eater) is mean.

OP, you have been more than patient. I would say ‘kindly’, ‘I know you struggle with me not eating meat. Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand it, so I’ve brought my own food. It saves you trying to cater for me and I get to eat the food I like’. And then plate up the most magnificent vegetarian meal you can think of!

Just talk to them and find a solution! It isn't difficult
If they aren't willing to accommodate you (which I agree is pretty shit on their part) then just bring your own food instead.

What a ridiculous statement. I don’t eat meat for moral reasons, not because I’m fussy.

@spotlightq

I think they are probably weaponising your vegetarianism as ‘she’s needy’, ‘she’s difficult’ - and attempting to control by including that ‘slight’ bit of meat as ‘how can she possibly complain about that’.
It’s a lack of understanding and old values on their part, mixed with the ‘in law’ type attitude where someone who dared marry their precious son can do no right.
I’d maybe pander to their attitude “I’m sorry, yes I’m very difficult/needy - so I’m going to bring my own food” - and then maybe add any bits to your plate that have no meat. I read somewhere that the dominant/person in control/person who has the real power - is actually the person who holds the ‘door open’ for others. So view your perceived submission as power.

To be fair to the OP, I don’t think her and husband getting up mid-meal and heading off to a restaurant is particularly realistic. But the many other options for tackling the issue feel doable.

Could you just have a bit of wafer thin ham OP?

@ApiratesaysYarrr "Do you serve meat if they come to visit you? Wondering if it's them trying to make a pooint?"

<finds another wall to beat head against>

They're incredibly over sensitive people and they'd take it so personally and cause problems.
This really stood out to me. You sound like a lovely person who doesn’t want to be difficult or cause a fuss with your in-laws. But you really need to stop being a martyr and allowing them to behave like such thoughtless dicks. They don’t seem to give a shit about upsetting you with meat on your plate, so why are you tip-toeing so as not to upset them.

Every time you will be having a meal there I would phone/text in advance. You can word it politely so they can’t take offence.
“Hi in-laws, I’ll really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Would you mind letting me know what is planned for dinner tomorrow? Is it vegetarian friendly or shall I bring my own veggie ready meal?”
And keep doing this every time you go.

No, they don't control you. YOU do that. If you allow them to do so then it becomes a choice. Sorry if that sounds brutal. But you need to take ownership of this, because they won't change. You know this already. They're quite happy with things the way they are. If you want change, that is going to have to come from you.

Your in-laws are going to be in your life for a long time unless they sabotage the relationship entirely (which is always a possibility too). I suspect when you dig down, you'll find food isn't the only issue on which their controlling tendencies come out. You're terrified of offending them but they don't seem too concerned about offending you. And if you think the food issue is bad, you're in for a very difficult time if/when children come on the scene. Controlling behaviour ramps up tenfold then: you can read numerous threads on this site which are all variations on the theme of 'my in-laws were fine until we had our first baby: what went wrong?' The way to stop that is to nip this in the bud now. Simply: if they keep forcing meat-based food on you, stop eating there.

I can't recommend highly enough that you read Susan Forward's game-changing book, Toxic In-Laws. It should be a go-to-guide to putting down firm boundaries without entirely destroying the relationship. Yes, there will be pushback, but as my dear old Granny would have said: 'they'll just have to get happy again, won't they?' You are not responsible for other people's moods, and you're not responsible for their behaviour.

Good luck. 🍀

If they always forget, which is very rude, just bring something to contribute to the meal. (Or make the potatoes like you did today)
You could also pick all the meat off the vegetables that they cook and mix with meat. It is not rude to leave food on your plate.

They should not have put pancetta on your plate. As long as there were others vegetables, I think it's ok not to have a handful of frozen peas as an alternative. I am happy to accommodate any food requirements. I don't feel the need to offer a direct alternative for every single dish. Especially if guests are staying for a few days.

Only offer them vegetarian food when they come to your house.

When I was vegetarian I had people try to sneak meat or fish in meals. One time there was homemade pizza with tuna under the tomato sauce and cheese. Another, it was suggested I make myself toast. Everyone else had a cooked breakfast. I could have had eggs, hash browns and tomatoes. They even had veggie sausages in the freezer for when dieting. It important that your DH sticks up for you. . Sometimes people can be arseholes.

You could also pick all the meat off the vegetables that they cook and mix with meat

😂 Maybe she could bring a wafer thin ham sandwich, Pam?!

Just to add, if you are a strict vegetarian, could you suggest meat substitutes that they could use ? Quorn vegan smoky ham is palatable enough for example (although I understand Sir Mo Farah, who advertises it, doesn't actually eat it himself).

😮😮 I don't think many vegetarians would pick out the bits of pancetta and then eat the peas! I do find the attitude of some people very puzzling - it's not exactly difficult to cater for a vegetarian, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect close family to educate themselves in what someone can and can't eat.

A roast is one of the easiest things to make vegetarian. Why on earth would you need to make separate potatoes or Yorkshire's? Cook them all in vegetable oil (like most people do anyway). The op doesn't even sound like she's expecting a separate main, so you can just give her all the veg without the meat, but if you were willing to make smallest bit of effort, you just buy some kind of nut roast and stick it in the oven alongside everything else, everything but the meat you have actually make extra effort to make it not vegetarian.

TBF, OP seems to find any possible response unrealistic.

The only meat substitutes I eat are vegetables! Like most veggies the world over. Meat substitutes are gross IMO.

People probably think I am fussy.

If the PIL are offended when you bring food, have your husband offer the vegetarian contribution and take the rap. After nine years, he should stick up for you and make it easy for you to eat there

Why would you?

I think you need to nip this in the bud now if not they will continue to control both of you and the resentment will build and build.

Stop accepting food from them and eat before, if they get upset they get upset. You cannot live your life based on not upsetting other people at your detriment.

she should eat meat every 8 weeks to appease her in-laws even though she's vegetarian?

You can't be serious. No one should ever be that much of a doormat. have boundaries, advocate for yourself. Jesus!

I'm vegetarian but my DH isn't. We hosted family yesterday. He cooked a couple of roast chickens. All the veg and trimmings were vegetarian. Yorkies and roasties are just as good with vegetable oil. I didn't need a separate main. Everyone happy.

Still can't understand why you didn't speak up about the pork in the peas. It's not rude to explain that you choose not to eat meat.