In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

Next time either offer to bring food, or nip into the kitchen when they're cooking to "help" and make a separate tray of roasties in oil or steam some garden peas etc. Keep it cheerful like "don't forget Spotlight is veggie, but we'll help sort it!" but make sure you do it every single time. I think your DH needs to do all this since they're his parents.

They are rude hosts. My in-laws are like this and have zero imagination about how a meal might not contain meat.

You say they're sensitive. They're not. If they were they'd be sensitive to your needs. They are selfish and rude.

Bring along a veggie microwave meal and don't let them make you feel bad. Just say it has no meat in it and you don't want to have them to worry about changing their meal for you. Turn it around so they can't take offence as you are being considerate.

😉

We're having a roast today which I think is traditional for Easter but I'd do a vegetarian meal for everyone if one of the guests was vegetarian.

Not at all - I use extra virgin olive oil for potatoes and they are lovely.

You say they're sensitive. They're not. If they were they'd be sensitive to your needs. They are selfish and rude.

Yup!

Could you be gently assertive without upsetting their over sensitised feelings?

so next time they invite you, say something along the lines of “shall I pick up something veggie from M&S for me? I always feel so bad having to leave the food you offer (it looks delicious and DH and kids always say how nice it was)”.

you shouldn’t have to pander to the cow and you shouldn’t have to provide your own meal but it may just nudge them in the right direction.

I would be mortified if somebody felt the need to bring food to my table. But then I wouldn’t put them in that position.

Im going to try to 'control my family' with my moods. Don't anticipate any reply other than 'they laughed in my face and told me to grow up'.

You've been together for 9 years and married for 7 they KNOW by now you're vegetarian (you have actually told them, haven't you?!)
I'm not vegetarian but they are so fucking rude.
I mean to put meat in the vegetables and goose fat on the potatoes so you can't even have them?;
Remind them before you go, or your DH can.
Id be taking some of my own food from now on, in case I needed it if they pulled that again
"Oh, you forgot again no worries Mary, I brought some just in case" then go out to the car and get your Tupperware boxes out and start faffing around warming it all up in the microwave hopefully getting in the way as they're trying to dish up
I seriously would. Screw that

Because being vegetarian isn't "being fussy" it's making a choice based on ethical beliefs, not "ooh I don't like the texture of all cooked flesh"

Carry on telling yourself they aren't doing it on purpose if it makes you feel better but after 9 years? Yeah. They are.

If it was me I'd tell my husband to phone them and say there won't be meat in hers will there? You know she's veggie

And I'd take a backup sandwich without telling them then when (because it's when not if) they served up the meal and it had meat in it I'd take out my sandwich and say it's no problem at all, I know you tend to forget I'm veggie and I didn't want to put you to any trouble so I'll just have this.

Exactly. You're letting these people control you. Moan if you want but don't pretend you don't have several options to change the situation.

Honestly I'd bring along a nice marks ready meal and whip it into the microwave along with a breezy ' I know ye seem to find veggie food a bit tricky so just brought my own'

Tsk, @CloudsUnderwater, have you also no manners? If you invite guests you should accommodate their needs. That's the general understanding and the only acceptable behaviour. Don't ask me round for tea, I'm not coming.

I’d say their behaviour over 9 years is conveying a fairly clear message really.

Amongst other things.

Someone asked me about our relationship generally and I would say it's one of tolerance.

There has been a lot of water under the bridge, historically, and recently. Sadly.

But I also don't think it's practical at all for the OP to refuse to go to her in laws as some people are suggesting.

I did. it was fine. DH took the DCs to visit and i stayed right away from the ILs because they were rude to me and expected the women to pitch in and do all cooking & childcare while the chaps went to the pub. I CBA with taking that kind of crap so i didn't. First time MIL & one of the SILs complained to DH about it he told them that if they stopped being rude to and about me, i may come for a visit. They wouldn't confirm. So i never went back. Fine for me, fine for them.

I'd bring my own food, under the guise of "something for us all to share", "as I know it must be hard to cater for me being vegetarian".

When they serve you meaty food be like "sorry I can't eat that but I did bring that quiche/veggie lasagne/potato salad, would it be OK to put that in the table too?"

Actually sometimes it is. But that still doesn’t mean you serve people you’ve invited to your home food you know they actively dislike. That’s just nasty behaviour regardless.

Amazed your husband doesn't advocate for you. Mine would have told his parents it wasn't on.

Perhaps offer to bring a couple of side with you (from m&s of course)

A lot of veg can be made much more delicious with meat (be it small cubes of meat for flavouring, animal fat or shredded meat). It sounds like your in laws are just trying to give you more interesting food (in their view). Depending on the reasons for you vegetarianism, could you just eat what they serve up as its only once ever 8 weeks? If not I think it's best to bring a back up veg sandwich and not to cause too much friction.

Sounds great. Rest of the family eat a nice hot lunch and you eat a cheese sandwich. Obviously that’s the problem sorted.

You need to lose your shit - along the “What is wrong with you people? You’ve known me x many years and yet you still do this? You don’t simply “forget” after all this time. You’re making a statement. You know what?
I’m over it. I’m sick of keeping the peace. It’s not that hard. Vegetarian. No meat. What excuse are you going to give people when I refuse to bring the kids here anymore? Come on kids - let’s get Mc Donald’s. Even THEY serve vegetarian options.”

@GorgeousCheddar entirely misses the point of vegetarianism and the point of complaining about being fed peas with pancetta.

It seems like reasonable things you could do to avoid this, you pan as non-workable solutions.

So, either you enjoy being in the situation as it helps shine your martyr crown, or you don't really care and your DH lets you twist i the wind.

I know I would not put up with it no matter how "moody" they would get. My DH would also not tolerate it. Our solution would be to take my own meal over to their house when invited and if it upsets them, well, so what? You can take a meal-sized salad or something else that doesn't even need to be heated. You need to teach your children that being treated rudely is something they need to NOT let happen.